A Tangled Mess

I'm a mess. Much of my life is a mess. I'm spending so much energy distracting myself from my messes that I barely have enough energy left to breathe. I feel like I'm caught  in a mass of tangled yarn.

I'm reading obsessively, including books that I'm not normally interested in, as long as the books are light entertainment. And when I read, I skip over more and more of the text to just get to the main plot points. I'm not taking much enjoyment from the books. Books with greater emotional or mental content get set aside. I just purchased a new Tawna Fenske book and haven't been able to enjoy it. I love Tawna's work, but I'm anticipating the emotional and romantic complications and getting anxious about them. Anxious about fictional characters, people!

I'm not watching any TV series with my housemates anymore. Everything they watch has character arcs: I become invested in the characters and get stressed out when their lives are difficult. In general I've always had difficulty detaching from movies and TV, but it's a lot worse now.

There are people in my life I haven't contacted in months, some of them in over a year, and not because I don't like them. I don't read blogs much at all. I don't know why I've dropped contact with most people: I have no idea how doing so connects with how I'm feeling.

Right now, I'm in the middle of a two-week experiment proposed by my psych. For two weeks, I'm not going to try to go to bed earlier. I've been staying up until 3 am, but wanting to go to bed around 10 pm. I spend mental and emotional energy chastising myself for staying up so late. So for these two weeks, I'm just going to let myself stay up as late as I want to and sleep as late as I want to. No judgements.

As a corollary of this experiment, I'm setting aside all shoulds and should-nots. No judgement. No restrictions. Want to eat ice cream? Sure. As much as I want. Be a slug on the couch? Sure, as usual, but this time no judgements. Do it because I want to.

When I manage to quiet the shoulds and should-nots, I feel less stressed, more peaceful. It does take effort to quiet them. In addition, my housemates do NOT like this experiment. They think it's a bad idea. They disapprove. They disagree with my psych. Even though it's only for two weeks and I wasn't making any progress doing things the other way!

Turn Around and Walk Forward

Caution: A long post with complex sentence structure, complicated punctuation, and many, many different metaphors. Not for the faint-hearted.

The best path isn't always the straightest

That's my motto for the year. The last post was all about traumas of the past and how they have affected me and my life. Within the gentle and supportive comments ran a particular thread: perhaps I need to simply accept my past and look to the present and future.

This is not the first time this concept has been suggested to me. A previous therapist became quite frustrated with me for continuing to talk about the past. A couple of friends have suggested that I cling to the past — suggested with increasing frustration and decreasing gentleness. I appreciate the gentle directness of my commenters.

It's true: I do cling to and look to the past. When I was talking to my therapist on Tuesday of this week, I had this vivid flash of me walking backward, taking my cues on which way to turn from what I saw before my eyes. That way leads to missteps and even falling off cliffs. It was a powerful and stirring image. I resolved right then to turn around and use my present, and my visions and desires, to guide me into the future.

Of course, I asked Michele her opinion of, well, everything. What I said in the blog. The idea that I cling to and pay too much attention to the past. Some other stuff. It frustrated me that she didn't respond directly and completely refrained from answering my questions. I'm probably going to push her on that next week.

However, it is ultimately me who has the choice and power to turn around and move forward. I chose the term "walk forward" to indicate activity; I have been almost completely motionless since Mom died, and that was almost three and a half years ago; I wonder how many years that has taken off my life? So "walk forward" tells me to move my body and to participate in my life much more actively than I have been. "Look forward" would have been way too passive.

Fix the Brain, Not the Body

I went to the rheumatologist today to do three things: 1) get set up with a new doctor, 2) talk about adjusting my main medication, and 3) ask about the current knowledge regarding fibromyalgia.

I like this doctor. He asked a lot of probing questions, such as "if you think you are having problems with mental acuity, why are you here rather than seeing a neurologist" and "who told you that the gabapentin might be causing such a problem." I figured these were good questions because firstly, I never even considered seeing a neurologist because the lack of mental acuity has gone on for so long (although it seems to have been getting worse, but then the last few years have been extra stressful) and I haven't seen any other odd neurological signs. At least none that I'd peg as such.

As for the second question, I told him that it had been suggested by friends who are or have been on gabapentin and found that this is a possible side effect. it has also been suggested by mental healthcare providers, too.

He was curious about everything dealing with my health, including my mental health. And then he gave me great insight into his interest in my mental health (and I really should have made this cognitive leap). The current understanding is that fibro is not a body problem at all: it's a brain problem. Specifically, it's a brain chemistry problem. And that is the center of the entire fibromyalgia universe.

It's why all the currently approved meds for fibro are brain-related rather than body-related: gabapentin, and its cousin Lyrica, are originally anti-seizure meds; Cymbalta and its cousin Effexor are anti-depressants that are both serotonin and norepinephrin re-uptake inhibitors; and a final medicine that I didn't get written down in time so I've forgotten the name, is also an anti-depressant. Doctors are trying to regulate fibro and its symptoms by manipulating brain chemistry. it makes sense.

I knew already about how fibro was considered a neurological disorder rather than a joint/muscle disease, and that gabapentin was an anti-seizure medicine. The point of using it is to quiet the brain impulses or transmitters or whatever is going wonky (yes, it's a technical term; why do you ask?) in the brain.

Anger and Compassion

Dangerous

My housemate Sabine is a very angry person. She is also kind and generous. But as someone living with her, I would not agree with "sweet" the way those who do not live with her (or are not married to her) think she is. Because when she gets angry, she uses her anger like a sledgehammer and woe to him, or her, who gets in her way.

Unfortunately for me, I have issues relating to anger, particularly to other people's anger, whether it's directed toward me or not. I want to cower, I want to hide, I want to run.

My friend Julie would say this is one of my Life Lessons. My therapists would all say I can use this as an opportunity to deal with my issues about anger. I'd like to tell them all to jump in the lake, but that would just be petty. Especially because they are right.

I wish I could help Sabine. I think she needs therapy, but she is not someone I can suggest that to. There is always a wall around her that I think no one can penetrate, except maybe her mom. Not even her husband, Griffin, gets that close.

And, basically, the only person we can fix is ourselves. That's another lesson I'm learning.

Sunshine Lentil Soup and Stock Recipe

Soup Fixin's!

Lately I've shared this recipe with some friends. I recently made a pot of it for my housemates and myself and they loved it. I just made a pot of stock so I can make the soup tomorrow for a friend who is enduring some major life crises right now. So I decided to make the recipe my post for tonight!

I don't cook much, but when I do, I tend to go all out. So I make my own vegetable stock from scratch; that's what we'll start with. And this is one of the things that I do while being entirely mindful and in the moment.

I was given the basic outline for the stock by a friend many years ago. Originally I used it with a soup using standard brown lentils that you can find anywhere. I don't know where I first learned about red lentils, but I assumed they behaved just like brown lentils when cooked. They don't. When they are cooked, they turn a sunshiny yellow and break up; I like to use enough of them that they make the soup thick. I don't even remember how I came up with this recipe, as I am not much of a cook, but I did make up this recipe myself.

I call the soup Sunshine Lentil for its bright color and its bright flavor. And it tastes much better the second day! (It also freezes well, as does the stock.)

Wet

Friday evening, my friend Skye (I know, right?) took me to her spa for a hydrotherapy evening. She has a membership to the spa that involves use of the hydrotherapy pools and massage. She gets one or two guest passes a month and asked me if I wanted to come with her this month.

The hydrotherapy set up consists of two pools and two saunas. You start in the hot pool. Then you move to the wet sauna where you scrub your body with salt (and you sweat and try to breathe the hot wet air). Shower off the salt, then out to the cool pool (which feels quite cold after the sauna), and finally to the dry sauna with cedar ledges. We did two full circuits, separated in the middle with a sit in the quiet room with tea and cookies, and then a final soak in the hot pool. Afterwards, I felt soft, smooth, loose, and relaxed. It was one of the most wonderful experiences I've ever had.

And we talked. We started out with the basic "what have you been doing lately" and, as we were there for nearly 3 hours, it just kept going deeper and wider.

I can be a chatterbox, especially if I'm feeling anxious or self-conscious. I realized later in the evening that I had forgotten my afternoon dose of Xanax, so that probably contributed some anxiety, but also I am still getting to know Skye and I am fairly insecure about my ability to make friends. Plus, I like Skye and want to create a solid friendship with her, so there's a little bit of anxiety there. (Hi Skye! I know you're there!) Because I know about this chatterbox behavior of mine, I remembered from time to time to specifically ask Skye about herself and to listen closely. Sometimes when I am in full-out chatterbox mode, I can forget to let the other person participate. I even apologized for babbling at the end of our hydro time, partly because I wasn't sure if I monopolized the conversation and partly because I was often chastised for talking too much as a child, sometimes by my parents and sometimes by teachers.

One of the topics that came up started with a discussion of fibromyalgia. In general, experts say that people with fibro should avoid exposing themselves to extreme temperatures. However, I enjoy heat a great deal. The few weeks when I went to a therapy pool for my fibro, I was completely grossed out by the body-temperature water. It felt dirty or greasy. ::shudder:: Heat doesn't seem to hurt my fibro any.

Bedtime

When I was a child, bedtime was a pleasure I looked forward to. When it was time to go to bed, I went happily, looking forward to resting and dreaming. Even though I was prone to nightmares and night terrors that my parents didn't even know about, I still had more good dreams than bad and I looked forward to each new day.

Fast forward a few decades. The summer of 2007, I wasn't working and it was one of the most glorious summers ever on the Oregon Coast. Temperatures ranged from 75 to 85 most days, with sun and a bit of a breeze and I spent almost every day walking down the hill to the beach, walking up and down the beach, including into the breakers, and then walking back up the beach. I was in good condition, I was losing weight, and I was actually enjoying myself, but I wasn't going to bed until between 2 and 3 am every night. This was highly unusual for me: I hadn't pulled all-nighters or even super-late-nighters in college!

That summer, I was staying awake late because I had created an enormously detailed imaginary life and I stayed up every night into the wee hours living and creating that life. The people sharing that life with me were so real, with complete life histories and backstories. It was beautiful. Every night I would turn off all the lights in the house, turn on some music, light some candles all over my bedroom, and watch the moon wash across my bed and the floor in the room outside my door. And I would dream.

This imaginary life bothered my therapist. She was afraid I was hiding from reality within it. It wasn't until a conversation in mid-summer that she suddenly said "I get it now! Your mind needs to be occupied and it's so unused right now that you need to do something with it." And that was, in great part, why I stayed up late every night dreaming. Once I went back to doing some work and thinking about what I wanted to do next, the imaginary life just melted away.

Fast forward another few years. I've returned to Houston after getting things moving with my mom's estate. I'm miserable: lost, rudderless, and more alone than I've ever been in my life. My closest friend in Houston was rearranging things in his life, in particular his marriage, and he no longer made time to do things with me other than a few days in the Spring to go photograph birds and the occasional lunch. I spent my time — all day, every day — surfing the web. I stayed up far into the night more often than not, not because I had an imaginary life I loved but because I had a real life I despaired of and I stayed up late to put off having to begin another new day.

Stuck to Unstuck? My New Journey

Oh, how badly I've been stuck. I've been exhausted. My brain has felt clogged and slow. I've taken naps for hours almost every day. I have done virtually nothing to further my plans or contribute to the household. I have been a lump since arriving in Seattle.

Luckily for me, my hosts have been very understanding of my exhaustion and have asked little of me so far. Friends have supported my need for sleep and rest. It's just been me who has had higher expectations.

I have a comprehensive list of things I need to do: catch up with people online and over the phone; contact professional connections; get in touch with local contracting agencies; join professional organizations and meetups and attend meetings and events; unpack what I brought to the house; and begin revising my novel.

I don't expect myself to do everything every day or all at once. I have date ranges for everything in my list. Of course, I'm behind on probably half the list so far. But maybe that's due to my unreasonable expectations in the face of unexpected setbacks. Like needing to sleep all the time.

I have a long history of overindulging myself. In response to what seemed to me a lifetime of excessive and unreasonable expectations and a lack of understanding of my needs, I began to allow myself to slack off on things, which started small and gradually grew to encompass everything in my life.

Well, I've completely changed my life again and this, too, must change. There are things I want to do and things I need to do and blowing them off is not acceptable to me any longer. Blowing off these things does not lead to the life I want to live. And that's the important point: there is a life I want to live and I have to put in the time and effort to create it. Always before, I've waited for it to happen. No more.

When I was younger, I pursued my life more actively, so I know I can do it. There are many things I did and was when I was younger: I cleaned frequently and regularly; I wrote and drew and painted on virtually a daily basis; I did physical activities that I enjoyed; and I didn't dwell on my mostly solitary state. And I daydreamed. I played. I imagined. Those are important things in anybody's life, but particularly in the life of a creative person.

So I'm going to relearn old good habits and discard current bad ones. I'm going to be healthier in ways that I can enjoy. I'm going to rediscover my true self and let her out of the various boxes and closets where I've hidden her and all her wonderful, brilliant aspects. I'm going to love for love's sake, I'm going to love and value myself, and I'm going to live a full and rich life for as long as I possibly can.

Cognitive Slips, Mozambique Epiphanies, and My Nose

It's been a rather full week here in Skye World. I'm currently sitting on the couch with bandages on my nose and behind my ear and with thoughts buzzing and whirling around in my head like so many hummingbirds and butterflies.

On Monday, my therapist and I talked about my last post, about having the blues and just being down. She said my "cognitive slip" was showing. Basically, the tone of my post was one of powerlessness, as if I had no options but to feel depressed and oppressed and anxious. I wasn't using my cognitive skills to look at my situation differently or to see options. For example, instead of being depressed and staying depressed over the darkness of the weather and feeling like I was living in a cave, I could have acknowledged that I felt low but that I could then change it. I could have watched funny movies on Netflix. I could have taken on a project (and I have plenty of those) to turn my mind in a different direction. I could have blessed the rain for helping Houston against the drought. So I need to work more on my cognitive skills.

Then I was stressing about the decision whether to stay in Houston or move back to Seattle. There are pluses and minuses on both sides. I've gotten a lot of input from a variety of people about it. Then I was offered a full-time job by the people I did work for at the end of 2011 and the beginning of 2012. Right then I realized that I'd rather move to Seattle. Then I was offered a contract from that company to work on a job that would require me to work and live in Mozambique for 28 days, then leave and let another writer be there for 28 days, then I'd go back and so on for 6 months or more, and I could live in Seattle if I wanted. I even said yes because it seemed ideal.

Then the anxiety set in. And the stress. I was already still stressing from my cognitive slip and from my upcoming skin cancer surgery. Did I really want to travel to and from Africa and live there for a month at a time? Was it safe? Could I handle it? My cognitive slip got worse. But some of my friends talked to me and gave me their opinions and advice, which actually helped me focus on what was causing me so much anxiety. I realized that I'm not yet to a level where I could handle something like the Mozambique job, for a whole lot of reasons. But I can handle finding work in Seattle and moving there. Mozambique helped me see where I am with my mental health work and how much I still need to do. Luckily for me, the company was very understanding when I told them I didn't want that job, and they are even going to keep me in mind for projects I could do while I'm looking for work in Seattle.

Where I Am

Well, it's a new year. People are making new resolutions or goals or intentions. We have to remember to write a new year on our checks and letters. And my mind is still back six or seven months and I'm wondering how it got to be 2013 so fast.

Last year was a better year than the year before, even though I had less employment. I made a huge amount of progress mentally and emotionally and I began exercising regularly. This bodes well for 2013. 

I'm becoming better at making new habits and sticking with them, except when holidays get in the way. And I doubt I'm going anywhere for a long trip this year until Christmas (unless I'm in Seattle, then I'll take a trip elsewhere). It's being out of my own environment that makes it harder to keep up with the exercising. I don't have the same space set up and I want to spend lots of time with my hosts, so I don't generally do exercise while away. But with even more time before the next major trip, maybe I'll have the exercise thing so efficient that I can do it anywhere!

I am more content with myself and where I am. Even though there are still some areas of clutter and I'm not terribly fond of my apartment, I am grounded, centered, and at home. I am becoming more myself and am very much less self-conscious. Even though I am anxious about finding work and making money, I'm still aware that I've come very far and that where I am now internally is fabulous. Where I am externally is acceptable; I'm not sure if I will find a fabulous external, but acceptable is fine. I believe that when I am doing work I enjoy with people I enjoy working with, my external will ramp up to much better than acceptable.

I have terrific tools now to help me deal with life and my issues and I'm getting quite good at using them. I have a terrific therapist (who I would be sorry to leave). I am learning important life skills (finally) and it's all paying off. Hell, I have a whole pint of Haagen Dazs ice cream in the freezer that I bought on the way home from lunch and haven't dug into yet. I'm not hungry, and in the past, that wouldn't have stopped me. I've made progress on all fronts (except my fear of driving in ice and snow).

As my t-shirt says, "Life is Good." In 2013, it's just going to get better.

Where are you now?

Quick Update

The results of my skin biopsies are in and there is no melanoma (yay!). My nose has a basal cell cancer tumor, which is not a big deal. I will be contacted by the surgeon next week, we'll make an appointment for a consultation, then he'll remove it and make my nose look normal instead of having a divot in it.

I tried to not worry, but subconsciously I guess I did. I didn't sleep great the past couple of days. But I will sleep better tonight knowing there's nothing threatening on my skin.

I do have to see the dermatologist every 3 months for the next year because in that first year after you've found one basal cell cancer you can find another skin cancer, but I am not going to worry. There isn't a history of it in my family, even with my fair-skinned mother and grandmother. So we're good.

As for my back wounds, I saw my regular doctor for my physical today. She looked at both back wounds and said that the one that was hardest to get to looks healed; she didn't even rebandage it. And she says it looks like I'm doing well with the other one, that it's healing well. So more yay!

And there you go, for those of you who were concerned.

Paying Attention

So I wrote in my last post about how I was doing a set of exercises Every Day, even when I didn't feel like it. And basically, that is true. Until today.

Today wasn't the same as the "I don't feel like it" mornings. I woke up achey and sore and very, very fatigued. I argued with myself about whether or not it was the fibromyalgia and should I give myself a break or not. I finally decided it was probably the fibro and gave myself the day off from everything. 

I rested. I read. I napped, which I have not been doing every day anymore. And I don't hurt now except for a small headache (possibly from reading a long novel on my iPhone). I don't feel fatigued. I feel better. So I can look forward to the exercises tomorrow. Already some places on my body are more toned and stronger. Of course, to get rid of my belly, I'm going to have to eat better and get some more cardio, both of which are things I'm going to be doing in the near future.

I don't look at today's exercise break as a fail. I look at it as just what my body told me it needed. I can't forget that I have physical limitations, even mild ones, or I will think I'm failing every time I take care of those physical needs. Listening to my body is a behavior that is just as essential to my well-being as listening to my self-talk is, so I look at doing so, and not beating myself up about it, as a win.

Paying attention to myself and my needs is what I'm going to therapy and reading books to learn. It seems to be working.  :)

Following Through

It was a good therapy session today. My therapist detailed the ways in which I've improved from last year and even from a few months ago. The main thing she pointed out was that not only do I have ideas and plans, I actually follow through with them.

The thing is, this isn't just different from last year or even the year before when I was completely paralyzed with grief. Following through on intentions is something I haven't been doing reliably for years due to the depression and anxiety and the bad habits I developed (or the good ones I lost).

For example: I do a set of exercises and stretches every morning. Every. Morning. Even when I don't feel like it. I let myself skip the Saturday before last, but last Saturday I decided that taking a day off from my exercises wasn't doing me any favors, nor was it getting me closer to my goal of fitting into my "fat" Levis by the time I go to Seattle for the holidays. (I have to lose weight to fit into them. I have two other pair that are smaller than those.) So I didn't skip. I can't remember when I last performed exercises on a regular basis, much less an every-day basis. And I'm not even giving into to the "I don't feel like it"-itis that has been my typical behavior for years.

Other examples of my following through include my job hunting activity (applied for two jobs just this morning), and the activities I have to do in order to do a desired activity — my reward/contingency tasks.

I've still got a lot of work to do. I need to develop a habit of eating healthy (that's for November), but I refrained from buying any sweets today (including the fresh-baked pumpkin pie ... sigh) and I'm full from a late lunch so every time my mouth prompts me to get up and go find something to eat in the kitchen, I turn myself around (might as well get up off the couch and move a little) and walk back into the living room. No eating if I'm not hungry and give my sugar cravings time to die off.

I need to develop the habit of paying my bills on time. I need to clean off my desk so I can actually do work at it. And I need to start doing cardio exercises (that's December's habit to learn, even though I'm going to be out of town for several days).

Even though I still have much to do and change, I know I'll get it done. Why? Because I'm developing the most important habit of all, the habit of follow-through. And with that habit settling into my bones again, I know I can do anything.

What's In My Toolkit?

A few days ago, my friend Mary wrote a post about the "toolkit" she uses for controlling her weight, now that she's had bariatric surgery. I commented on how the toolkit needed depends on the person and the issue and wondered what was in her toolkit. So she wrote a post answering that question and asked what is in other people's toolkits. I'm finally answering that question.

I have two basic issues I'm working on: my mental health and my physical health. The toolkits overlap, but the issues each have their own specific needs as well.

Something that is crucial to both my mental and physical health is self-awareness. Without it, I wouldn't be aware of what my triggers are (I am learning), when and how I need to apply the other tools, and how I am doing in general. Without self-awareness, I wouldn't be able to even successfully carry out my various exercises and changes.

I also need the strong desire to be healthy. Without it, I wouldn't have the will or the interest in doing the hard work needed to become healthy, mentally or physically.

My Mental Health Toolkit

• Medications: I need meds to be functional at all right now, and I'm on pretty high doses because of how non-functional I was without them. My goal is to end up taking the lowest therapeutic dosages for at least one and to drop the other two.
• Therapy: I see my therapist once a week and she's good. She works with cognitive-behavioral therapy, which I guess a lot of therapists don't do. This is the therapy I need most right now, although she has some other kinds in her bag of help as well that we may use later. But my thinking is so broken that cognitive therapy is what is called for.
• Some specific self-help books: I have books on cognitive-behavioral therapy, shame therapy, and self-compassion. All of them are basically cognitive — working on broken thinking — so they work together from different angles. I get very thrilled when I do something suggested in one of these books and it works.
• Exercises from these books: The exercises are terrific and they push me into exploring my issues more and putting into practice what I'm learning in the books. I share my exercises with my therapist and am always pleased when she says I got something just right, or how pleased she is with my work. I need exercises; I need the tangible work to pound that understanding and the practice into my head.
• Hope: I have to believe that "well" is possible and that I can get there. I have to have hope that what I'm doing will help me become well, or as close to it as I can possibly get.

My Toolkit for Physical Health

• Baby steps: Doing everything in small steps so I don't overdo and then fall on my face thereafter. If I overdo the exercise, it won't become a habit, it will become something I avoid and I won't get any pleasure out of it. If I don't allow myself to occasionally have a treat of some kind, I will feel deprived and I won't be able to stay on eating well.
• Ability to eat the same thing over and over again: What? you may be saying. What does this have to do with anything? Well, I don't cook. I know I need to learn. But as I'm taking my baby steps, I need to be able to eat healthy food that's easy to prepare. Thus, being able to eat the same thing for breakfast every day, the same thing for lunch every day, the same thing for dinner every day, is necessary. At least that way I can eat healthy.
• A love for fresh berries, granola, oatmeal, dried fruit, nuts: These are foods I can eat daily, even more than once a day if I want. They are healthy,  they make great breakfasts and snacks, and they don't require much preparation, a big plus for me. Of course, the best fresh berries are only in the summer, so I'm glad I like dried fruit, too.
• Knowing that I've done better before: I used to cook, quite easily. I used to make healthy foods and I didn't binge on sweets. I know that I can live that way again because I have in the past. It's the mental health that took away my healthy habits, so it's developing better mental health that will help me re-develop those habits again.
• Exercise: This is basic, but difficult for me. I used to walk a lot, but I haven't been doing any exercise for a couple of years. I finally started doing some basic exercises around the house on a schedule developed for me by a friend. I increase my exercises very slowly — baby steps! — and it doesn't feel onerous.

As you can see, there is definitely overlap between the two toolkits. I have to maintain self-awareness in several areas. Then, there are the less obvious overlaps: how I eat probably affects my mood and my meds probably affect my body. Exercise can affect my mood. A strong desire for a whole healthiness can keep me working on both sets of issues, even when it's difficult or uncomfortable.

I admit, I find it easier to do the mental health work than the physical health work. I've always been more intellectual than physical. So in addition to the tools I have, I need to acquire one more tool: a stronger will to do the work even when I don't feel like it, to leave the sugary treats alone, and to take the time to do the work, such as the therapy exercises or making something to eat rather than just nibbling on stuff. I've grown very self-indulgent and have to remind myself that if I indulged a child the way I indulge myself, I would consider it at the very least child neglect. I guess I need to be a good parent to myself and kick my butt when I'm not doing what I need to do.

So there you have my toolkits. Do you have any toolkits to help you as you go along in your life? What is in them? I'd love to know!

Sitting on the Couch

I've got anxiety pretty bad these days. I feel anxious about looking for work, about signing up with a freelancers association that could lead me to more work, and about not finding work and going broke.

I feel anxious about leaving my apartment. It's hot outside and I can't be spending money on things I don't need, so I don't need to go out, except for therapy, grocery shopping (which I do on the same day), and getting the mail, which I often let pile up in the box.

My anxiety makes me want to just wrap my arms around myself, around and around until I'm unable to move and I am calm. So I sit on my couch, day after day, and I don't really do much. My comfort zone has become excruciatingly small.

I even try not to think: I go online and see what blogs have new postings, but even blogs with new content run out. So I have to think some. I get bored with blogs and with playing solitaire or sudoku on some electronic device.

And I think I've very nearly hit bottom. There's not a lot of room between me and the bottom of whatever it is, be it the barrel or the Abyss, so most of the space for movement is up. It would help if up were easier or I had help. But for some reason, my life has required that I do most things alone, with no help from others. I think this is quite mean of life.

Zenhacking My Life, 2012

I don't make New Year's Resolutions — never have succeeded. I tried a few times when I was younger and I had the success that all articles about the futility of resolutions predict: zero. But there are a couple of sites I follow — one always and one sometimes — that have ideas for changing one's life without resolutions or goals. One of the sites is zenhabits.net; the other is LifeHacker.com. and both offered up a true gem for me to use to change my life into what I want and need it to be.

What I need in order to change my life (YMMV) is new habits. And among the ways to help me make the changes is to implement the placebo effect.

Miracles

I started a part-time paid position with the group I've volunteered with for two years: I am the manager/ coordinator for making sure that everything is accomplished, and on time, and that the event runs successfully and smoothly. Not sure how I got roped into this. Doug made it sound simpler.


So, right after I agreed to that job, I was asked to interview with a writing services company. One of my colleagues on the volunteer job is always trying to help me, so she recommended me to the owner of this company. With my new resume that showed my new part-time position, I sat down and had the best interview EVAH with the owner and the VP. I told them what the ideal situation was for me (2 part-time jobs, at least until the other one is finished) and freelance. They didn't pull away or act like that was a deal-killer. I took their tests. Last week they offered me some part-time work. I don't know if it's just this one project or an ongoing relationship, but wow. I start early tomorrow morning.


All I have to do now is get the freelance stuff back on track.


If the writing services company keeps me on regularly, I'll be able to pay all my bills and put money in the bank for the first time since January 2008.


Of course, I have this virus that has given me laryngitis and a cough that is keeping me up at night. I have the writing job tomorrow, then therapy, then a meeting with the other PT job. It's possible I will have no voice by the end of the day, but so what. I'll have been doing things.


Now can someone help me pay my mom's last bills so I can finish my work as executor and get my bit of money?

Where Was I?

So much has happened since my last post, written that innocent day in mid-August when life seemed so much simpler. Full of work to do, yes, but not as complicated as it was to become. I'm very glad I didn't know the future!

Where do I start? I added a week to my two-week stay so I could finish all the tasks I needed to finish. Two days before I was due to fly back to Houston, I had an emergency appendectomy. Luckily for me, I finished all the main things I needed to finish and had sequestered my own things in one place. Sure, a few small things went missing after that, but I hadn't gotten around to sequestering them, and who needs more than one copy of the key to the lock on the storage unit? Only those of us with OCD issues about losing the remaining key.

So I had surgery. And no home to return to: it was being readied for the estate sale. But people offered to let me stay with them, and I was and remain grateful to them for this. My realtor/friend was more nurturing than my mom's friend, so it's good I stayed with my realtor first. Plus, she had no animals, which made my time there very peaceful. I entertained her and her husband, even when I wasn't looped out on Percocet; later on she told me that, during a rather uneventful visit by her nephew, she and her husband looked at each other and said, "I miss Skye!" Aww. They want me to stay with them the next time I visit.

But there went another week and a couple of days before my doctor said I could travel.

Then my friend Steve from Seattle drove down and took me back to Seattle for a much-needed visit. Not only was I not entirely recuperated enough to be sent home, I needed to be with my friends there to distract me from the anniversary of my mother's death. (Actually, I think I did my grieving as I lay in pre-op, realizing that my mom couldn't be there for me then and wouldn't be there for me afterward.)

Finally, five weeks and two days after I left Houston, I returned home. My car, parked under cover at the Park n Fly lot, started right off. For only the second time since surgery, I drove; I got home fine, but I was exhausted and my tummy was sore. And the apartment was just as messy as it was when I left it, unfortunately. Where are those house-elves when you need them?

I've rested a lot since I got home — I can only go so long before I simply fall over, and so long isn't that long. I gave myself the first three days to lie around in my pjs and do nothing. 

I've accomplished things, I've left the apartment, and yet the place is still virtually as messy as before. Tomorrow, my mom's — now my — RAV4 arrives in Houston, driven by a couple of very generous friends. Soon thereafter, they drive away in my Subaru, taking it to its new home. Change, change, change, change. Dammit.

I have projects promised, I have been offered an insane work proposition, and I have a lot of people to reconnect with. But I'm taking it slowly, because my tummy still hurts and my mind is still swirling from the point when everything flew apart and I just haven't landed yet.

I have some posts started when I was still in Oregon that I'll finish and post, later. But I wanted to catch up to the present, before reaching back into the past. I have so much to do, and so much I want to do, that I wanted to at least settle onto the hard-packed earth of right now. I lost my footing. I need to ground myself so I can go on.

So here I am: crazy and tired and swirly and wanting to work and so much less sure of things than I expected to be at this point. I keep reminding myself: this is not my true natural state; this is an artifact of the way my life has been for over a year. Slowly perhaps, I will make my way back to the focused, fun, highly capable, and cheerful person that is me. My current state is transitional and temporary and I'll sweep it out the door just as quickly as I can.

With that, I bid you good night.

On Simplifying My Life

I like reading about simplicity — there is always a new perspective or something new to learn. Because I don't have my favorite books with me, I've been cruising teh Interwebz and found a post on one of my favorite sites: zenhabits. This post is "Simple Living Manifesto: 72 Ideas to Simplify Your Life" by Leo Babauta, the author of the site. 

The post isn't about 72 things you must do in order to simplify your life. The 72 things are ideas and suggestions, things to think about. I am beginning with the first one, because it seems central to how to live my life in general, not just how to simplify it.

"I. Make a list of your top 4-5 important things." This list basically sets your priorities and the way you want to live your life. This is what I wrote:

1. Creating. Writing!, drawing & painting, crocheting.
2. Freedom. Being able to do what I want to do when I want to do it, not being tied to an 8 to 5, commuting, unsatisfying-job existence (and getting burnt-out, and getting sick — again). Being able to do work that I think is fun, being able to work wherever I want to work. Having time and energy for my important things.
3. Love & Friendship: having close friends to talk with, having friends to do things with, having people to love. (Having a "romantic" relationship would be nice, too.)
4. Compassion & Giving:  Things like volunteering for EcoBot and being the Vice-Chair for its committee, volunteering to do stuff here and there, and maybe volunteering to work with shelter cats and cats at adoption events. Giving my time.
5. My Health. Physical, emotional, mental. Getting the care I need and taking care of myself in every way.

It's not an exciting list: there is no lust for travel (not that I would turn it down, and the Freedom item would allow me to do so, but travel isn't important to me as a thing by itself). No building a hugely successful business (that wouldn't leave me very free). It's a list that feels good to me. It feels open; all of it feels "free" to me. I wasn't sure about 4 and 5, because they weren't exciting, but even though I'm not doing all I could be doing (possibly because I'm not free as I struggle with money and worry and grief), I am doing some and there is lots of room for growth.

I can see what I want here. I'm not sure how to get to all of it. And I need to just start writing: if I can write more than one blog on a regular basis, I can write a story. I can start a novel. I can work on any of a number of things I want to write. The blog seems different from "real" writing, but for goodness sakes, look at my weekly word count! That's real writing alright.

Who knows? As I pursue the things I can easily pursue now, maybe the others will simply come to me.

What are your top 4 or 5 things?

Can't find it in the classifieds

Wanted: Help. 

Help with bringing order to my apartment. Help with finding work. Help with paying bills. Help with not getting so consumed with anxiety over these things that I simply pop.

I have a couple of small projects coming up, but not with anyone who can afford to pay me full price. Yes, I do have a sliding fee scale. Extremely small businesses and individuals get a break, because they have very little spare cash. And that's who I seem to be working for right now. When I work.

The money I had left from before, plus the money my mom gave me, plus some of the other is shrinking much too quickly. It was a lot of money, but between me and the estate, it's going, going. 

Health insurance is just about prohibitively expensive for me. If you take even one medicine routinely, you can't get individual health insurance; you have to buy it from the High Risk Pool. Which is far more expensive in Houston that it was in Oregon. And I have a much higher deductible. I'm thinking of doubling the deductible so I can lower the monthly cost. The cost went up significantly when I turned 50. Lucky me.

My rent is not cheap, but it certainly is not the most expensive around here. If I want to go significantly cheaper, I'd have to move into a unit that is too small for my stuff, or even for an actual dining table, or I'd have to move to places that I don't really want to live.  And rent is going up at the end of my lease in a couple of months.

I have credit card debt, because I've been unemployed for a long time, except for bit and pieces, and I've had expenses. 

If Mom's house doesn't sell soon, or if I don't get some real income soon, or if I don't win the lottery soon, I'm going to be hurting big time.

I am one scared kitty right now.