Baby Steps, 3, The Null Day

So no baby steps happened yesterday. Instead, I pretty much pulled in the sidewalks and shut the curtains. It was the anniversary of my little brother's death — a long, long time ago, but it still gets me, no matter what I do. I pretty much just felt sad about that and about life in general and super anxious about the still not job thing.

I stayed up very late, trying to avoid going to bed (why? because sleep certainly is a great way to lose yourself), I woke up a few times, then today I chose to go back to sleep and slept until 1:30 pm. I don't really expect any baby steps today. Maybe I'll take a quick turn around the yard for some (really gray) sunlight.

That's all there is to say for now.

Baby Steps, 1

Per a suggestion by Susanne, a regular reader and commenter on my blog, I am posting what steps I made on a daily basis for a little bit, to be interspersed with blogs of a heftier sort if and when necessary.

As I am also trying to think less and do more, I am going to try to focus on the action and the functional rather than the what and why. Sometimes I feel like a self-centered brat, always moaning and going on about my problems. But when I presented this perspective a some friends last night, one of them has already responded with a totally different perspective of me as one who is brave and committed to healing and willing to face and talk about my crap and stuff. She doesn't see me the same why I've been seeing me, not even close. That actually makes me feel better.

So, without further ado, I present yesterday's baby steps.

1. Took a short walk with Sabine. It was around the center circle of the neighborhood, so it wasn't that long but the way back required climbing a pretty good hill for about half the walk. It took 10+ minutes and we were both out of breath (oh so horribly out of shape!).
2. Assembled steel-cut oats for slow-cooking to be eaten this morning. (Unfortunately, Griffin didn't turn it on last night and I'm not sure how quickly they will cook on high this morning.)
3. Turned off computer by 9. Didn't start surfing or Pinterest in iPad. Used it for music and found that my good earbuds fit, which made me ecstatic. My good earbuds are Ultimate Ears, which I got 6 years ago, when I bought my MacBook and my iRiver Clix2 mp3 player. Both player and earbuds were most highly rated for sound quality and usability and they rock. Plugging my earbuds into the iPad after having downloaded all my music to it, then listening to the music and hear the full range of sounds, from subtle based to solid midtones and crystal clear high notes just blissed me out as I listened to the end of a playlist before bed.
4. Took a melatonin supplement and got into bed by midnight. Might have made the sleep window but reflux/acidic stomach interfered and I eventually took the 2nd pill. I'm feeling groggy this morning (but then, sleep was still broken and I got 5 1/2 hours of sleep total, but the potential is there). So I tried and will continue trying on that front.

So that's the scoop for yesterday. Tonight I am scheduled to attend a professional meeting (networking, dinner, presentation, more networking). I will NOT allow myself to skip out on it just because I "don't feel like it." Not this time. I am sick of being unemployed (or underemployed) and living in my friends' house in a bedroom. I need my own place. Now. And I need to get out on my own more.

I'm glad I accomplished what I did. I'm disappointed in that it was little. I got very little sleep the night before and didn't get ready very early. More like in the afternoon. Then there was little time to do things. Today I was up a little earlier but as mentioned before am quite groggy (on melatonin but insufficient sleep perhaps?) and my breakfast isn't ready so I'm a bit cranky. While I'm trying to avoid naps in order to be more ready to sleep, today I may make an exception just so I'll be bright-eyed and bush-tailed for the meeting tonight.

That's the news so far today. Thanks, Susanne. This is a great way to keep track and take note.

That's it for

Depression is Depressing

Well, it's been more than a month since my last post. I really didn't want to write anything, couldn't think of anything to write about. It seemed like too much effort and I really couldn't think of any reason why I should write.

Didn't write about one therapy session, even though it was interesting and my therapist came up with a great idea to try to get me moving again. But I didn't actually follow through on the idea; I just kept think "I'll do it tomorrow, it's too late to start today."

Then another therapy session came around. And I had to explain why I hadn't blogged or followed through. "It sounds like depression to me," my therapist said. Reluctantly, I was forced to agree.

I don't know why I'm depressed. I don't care why I'm depressed. I don't want to be depressed. I've done depressed and I was done with depressed. I pushed any and all thoughts that I might be even a teeny, tiny bit depressed into the furthest corners of my mind. I was not depressed, dammit!

Except that I was. And I am. And I'm so damned tired of being here again and again and again. It all seems so pointless if I'm just going to end up back in the Ol' Slough of Despond yet again.

I'm not going to hurt myself. I'm just really, really frustrated.

Even writing this post is hard, and for me, once I sit down to write one of these posts, they usually just flow out of my head and onto the screen like melted butter. This one? I've put it off and put it off — even with the threat of my dear friend Deb kicking my ass — and writing it is more like trying to chew a thick sandwich of dense bread, chunky peanut butter, and chocolate chips: too much work to even feel any pleasure from the ingredients.

I promise I will write about the cool idea my therapist came up with. Later. Right now, I just wanted to own up to my depression and get a post up.  And hey, I have an appointment with a psychiatric nurse practitioner up here, one recommended by my old NP! So if we click, I will have a new therapist and med psych (all rolled into one, like the ones prior to Houston). So at least there's some good news.

Okay, that's it for now. I'll start working on the one about the cool idea. Thanks for being patient with me.

The Powers of Choice

Had a therapy-by-phone session with my therapist this week and the main topic was "choice". I acknowledged that I have been choosing avoidance, distraction, and motionlessness rather than living fully, actively, and with purpose. I have been choosing naps over doing the things I need — and want! — to do.

Choice has many powers. Making a choice is powerful because it is an action and action is powerful. But when you make choice to be passive and powerless, that too is powerful because it increases the passivity and powerlessness, as well as any mental health issues associated with them, such as depression and anxiety such as I have. So I am in effect choosing to give my power over to oppression.

I truly do want to be more active and doing the things on my list and that I need and want to do: I can feel it! I feel urges toward movement and activity; I feel desires to walk and do exercises. But I squash them with the choices I make away from them. It's like choosing to kill the better part of yourself. I feel as if I've been killing the better part of myself for decades, now that I acknowledge that I have had choices. But for a long time, I didn't realize I could choose or that I had options. I felt powerless against my feelings. Now I know differently.

But changing the choices I make is not as easy as snapping my fingers and saying "Hey! I can make different choices!" It's going to require effort on my part due to the inertia involved and the habit involved and the weight of many years of making the other choices. I keep making the mistake of thinking that making changes will be easy, causing me to fall prey to falling back into what is easy. I haven't yet embraced the feeling of power that comes with doing what is difficult yet right.

I think I need to return to using contingent activities and rewards. I have better rewards now! I have a whole library of books to choose from here at the house (inhabited by two book-lovers, one of whom is a librarian). I have a niece and nephew who want to spend time with me and do the things I want to do as I re-explore Seattle and surroundings and re-experience my favorite things. I also need to again enlist select friends to nudge me along my way to making the habit of choosing the better options.

And I need to work some more on my thinking. I have my rubber band to remind me to think of the cognitive-behavioral tools I have (my housemate left me one in the bathroom we share the morning after he read my blog!). My therapist and I decided that the next major step in my therapy would probably be working on "growing up": i.e., self-actualization, letting go of the need for parental approval and validation (especially given that my last remaining one is now gone), strengthening my sense of self, however you want to define it. It's a process I haven't finished and I need to in order to be a fully functioning adult human. So time to dig in and find my next therapist. I now have a few names offered to me by my former practitioner in this area; next week will involve calling them and seeing if any are taking new patients. (I've heard that finding a mental health practitioner in this area is very difficult these days; must be a whole lot of over-stressed and "crazy" people around here; I blame the coffee!)

So making choices seems to be my next step, and one that I very strongly want to take. I can't wait for the blog post where I tell you all about how well it is going!

Stuck to Unstuck? My New Journey

Oh, how badly I've been stuck. I've been exhausted. My brain has felt clogged and slow. I've taken naps for hours almost every day. I have done virtually nothing to further my plans or contribute to the household. I have been a lump since arriving in Seattle.

Luckily for me, my hosts have been very understanding of my exhaustion and have asked little of me so far. Friends have supported my need for sleep and rest. It's just been me who has had higher expectations.

I have a comprehensive list of things I need to do: catch up with people online and over the phone; contact professional connections; get in touch with local contracting agencies; join professional organizations and meetups and attend meetings and events; unpack what I brought to the house; and begin revising my novel.

I don't expect myself to do everything every day or all at once. I have date ranges for everything in my list. Of course, I'm behind on probably half the list so far. But maybe that's due to my unreasonable expectations in the face of unexpected setbacks. Like needing to sleep all the time.

I have a long history of overindulging myself. In response to what seemed to me a lifetime of excessive and unreasonable expectations and a lack of understanding of my needs, I began to allow myself to slack off on things, which started small and gradually grew to encompass everything in my life.

Well, I've completely changed my life again and this, too, must change. There are things I want to do and things I need to do and blowing them off is not acceptable to me any longer. Blowing off these things does not lead to the life I want to live. And that's the important point: there is a life I want to live and I have to put in the time and effort to create it. Always before, I've waited for it to happen. No more.

When I was younger, I pursued my life more actively, so I know I can do it. There are many things I did and was when I was younger: I cleaned frequently and regularly; I wrote and drew and painted on virtually a daily basis; I did physical activities that I enjoyed; and I didn't dwell on my mostly solitary state. And I daydreamed. I played. I imagined. Those are important things in anybody's life, but particularly in the life of a creative person.

So I'm going to relearn old good habits and discard current bad ones. I'm going to be healthier in ways that I can enjoy. I'm going to rediscover my true self and let her out of the various boxes and closets where I've hidden her and all her wonderful, brilliant aspects. I'm going to love for love's sake, I'm going to love and value myself, and I'm going to live a full and rich life for as long as I possibly can.

Wrestling with the Demons

Since making the decision to move back to Seattle, the anxieties, insecurities, and depression have gone into overdrive. Perhaps they would have done so if I'd chosen Houston, but I can't know. I just know that I have been struggling with my personal demons and they have been taking up all my time.

For much of the last week, I've been in a state of constantly clenching various muscle groups and having to consciously unclench them. It's been making me very uncomfortable in some areas; I have been dealing with the added stress of feeling a greater frequency and urgency to urinate.

So after a couple of days of these feelings and actions running rampant, I began practicing my cognitive skills again, as well as deep breathing and muscle relaxation. I began reminding myself that I've done scarier or riskier things, such as loading up my car and heading off for an unknown destination; or selling my car, taking out a loan, and going back to school while working part time — and having to basically find new work each quarter through my first year back at school. I once bought a house that needed major rehabilitation and I acted as the general contractor for the project, as well as doing all the tile work myself, as well as some of the flooring with friends and much of the painting with my mom. 

I have done major things before and succeeded. I have been out of work before and found new work. While I've gone through a great deal of money the past five years, I have survived being mostly unemployed for four years (the first one of the five was on purpose). So I can easily move back to a place I've lived before where I have a significant support network. I can re-embrace those things I liked about Seattle and reframe those things I didn't like. And I can find a job working in the industry I worked in for most of my professional career.

It's talk like this that has helped me come back, little by little this weekend, to a place where I am actually feeling better. I'm still clenching my muscles, but I can eat again. I didn't do anything much beyond do a little laundry and watch videos on Netflix, but my levels of anxiety and depression have decreased so that I have a smile on my face and even a little smile in my heart.

Paying Attention

So I wrote in my last post about how I was doing a set of exercises Every Day, even when I didn't feel like it. And basically, that is true. Until today.

Today wasn't the same as the "I don't feel like it" mornings. I woke up achey and sore and very, very fatigued. I argued with myself about whether or not it was the fibromyalgia and should I give myself a break or not. I finally decided it was probably the fibro and gave myself the day off from everything. 

I rested. I read. I napped, which I have not been doing every day anymore. And I don't hurt now except for a small headache (possibly from reading a long novel on my iPhone). I don't feel fatigued. I feel better. So I can look forward to the exercises tomorrow. Already some places on my body are more toned and stronger. Of course, to get rid of my belly, I'm going to have to eat better and get some more cardio, both of which are things I'm going to be doing in the near future.

I don't look at today's exercise break as a fail. I look at it as just what my body told me it needed. I can't forget that I have physical limitations, even mild ones, or I will think I'm failing every time I take care of those physical needs. Listening to my body is a behavior that is just as essential to my well-being as listening to my self-talk is, so I look at doing so, and not beating myself up about it, as a win.

Paying attention to myself and my needs is what I'm going to therapy and reading books to learn. It seems to be working.  :)

You Probably Want to Know

"So," you've probably been thinking. "How is Skye doing on her new program?"

Well, I'll tell you. I started out strong last week then completely stopped it when my period started and I just wasn't going to exercise. I don't exercise during "that time of the month" because it makes everything worse: heavier, more crampy, more bleah. I did accomplish my Tuesday task so was able to watch Castle, and I accomplished my next two tasks and watched both Project Runway and MythBusters. But the exercise went to hell.

Now I am back on with the exercise as of this morning, plus I walked in the park this afternoon. I have a task to do tomorrow and I have, thanks to the creative spark from Deb, created a chart with tasks prioritized and sorted, with different sets of contingents/rewards attached to each priority, and color-coded and printed so I can keep track without having to open the spreadsheet any time I need a reminder. 

The tasks I have to do for any given contingent or reward (yes, I put ice cream on there a couple of times, and yarn) are not difficult or even terribly time-consuming. Later, as I get better at this and am able to sustain greater efforts using self-discipline (or being less self-indulgent), I can pursue bigger tasks or sets of tasks.

My BFF commented on the previous post that it would be better to do these tasks due to rational cause-and-effect or cost-benefit analyses, but I'm not up to that level yet. I'm kind of at toddler or young child level when it comes to personal self-discipline (I'm still fine with professional self-discipline), so I have to start with what works. 

Self-Discipline, But Not the Fun Kind

You know how I mentioned that I need to become more active, get more exercise, and engage in the behavioral change part of cognitive-behavioral therapy? Well, this is me committing to these things and letting you all know you can call me to be accountable for these commitments.

I blame my therapist, but maybe I should blame my friend Deb. Both of them suggested using a reward system. Deb actually suggested I use what my therapist refers to as a contingency: that I have to accomplish a particular task before I can join in our TV-watching/chatroom get-together tomorrow night. So my therapist and I, unable to come up with rewards that didn't involve food or spending money, decided I need to go with the contingency model, where being able to do one thing is contingent upon my doing another, less-desirable, thing first. And as there is no one to monitor my behavior and either allow or not allow me to do the more-desirable thing, I have to use self-discipline to stick to the plan.

I may have to paddle myself just for going along with this idea!

So that I can be held accountable, I need to let someone (or more than one someone) know what I'm accountable for. Therefore, I'm giving you all the basics. I expect only a few people to engage in this, but that will be enough.

I love to read "my" blogs, which I do every morning. Under the new rules, I cannot read any blogs until I've done my entire set of morning exercises, which includes sit-ups, push-ups, squats, lunges, toe lifts, a plank, and my foot exercises. Then I can read HALF of my blogs.

Not Enough

I've mentioned the cognitive-behavioral therapy I'm doing right now with my therapist. It's got great potential and it's very promising, but ... not much is happening. I feel I've made very little progress in the past few months. So today I asked my therapist why, and she told me.

It's not enough to read the book and talk to her about the theory and how it can work and talk about the intellectual aspect, which I can do ad infinitum. I have to actually do the work. I have to think about it and apply it all through the week.

She said, "This therapy is the most important thing in your life right now."

The most important thing in my life. I hadn't been thinking of it that way. 

She said, "This is the only way you are going to be able to make your life be what you want it to be."

I more or less knew that, on an intellectual basis, but not on a gut basis. I wasn't feeling it. I wasn't thinking "I need to do this NOW before my life passes even further by me without my control or passion or action.

My attitudes and perspective changed today; I hope they changed for good. The work I'm doing now IS the most important thing in my life and always has been, I just didn't know it. I need to act on learning this therapeutic form and making it natural and automatic. I need to act, period.

I know me: I might forget all this in a day or two of feeling miserably anxious and failing all over the place. I won't mind gentle reminders. I expect my therapist to be a bit less than gentle because it is time and past for me to get this done. I'm 51. I don't want to still be exactly in this same place when I'm 52. In fact, I have an intention. I intend to make great progress by summer so I can actually begin looking hard for freelance work and be able to handle the anxiety, be able to make it smaller and smaller.

But it starts with making the therapy natural and automatic, and with action rather than with the passivity I've grown into. There's another Skye who views me as Superman for a variety of reasons; I can try to live up to that.

In the coming days, I'll tell stories of when I acted, when I persisted against failure or lack of support, when I succeeded and learned, and when I was my own superhero. Those are the anecdotes and examples I need to remember in order to regain those aspects of myself again and get back to my authentic self.

So hang around. And feel free to share your own stories of being stuck, of getting unstuck, and of becoming You.

Zenhacking My Life, 2012

I don't make New Year's Resolutions — never have succeeded. I tried a few times when I was younger and I had the success that all articles about the futility of resolutions predict: zero. But there are a couple of sites I follow — one always and one sometimes — that have ideas for changing one's life without resolutions or goals. One of the sites is zenhabits.net; the other is LifeHacker.com. and both offered up a true gem for me to use to change my life into what I want and need it to be.

What I need in order to change my life (YMMV) is new habits. And among the ways to help me make the changes is to implement the placebo effect.

And the Decision Is ....

I backed out. I emailed my recruiter guy and said "this just isn't for me," then I emailed my two friends with whom the recruiter had set up "practice" meetings. One of them was so relieved; she said she knew this wasn't the right fit for me and understands how desperation can change how you look at things.

Sure, the recruiter guy called, but he didn't try to convince me to reconsider, he simply wanted to know why I changed my mind. I did not mention feeling that I had been tag-teamed; it didn't seem necessary and I'd rather not burn bridges. He did offer a couple of other ideas for "participating and making money", but basically it involved giving him names and phone numbers for someone else to use to contact potential clients, and I can't do that either. It doesn't feel right.

Now I need to continue to get things in order, such as LinkedIn, and I need to continue to ask friends to spread my name about (in the good way). I need to contact recruiters and people I spoke with before. I need to focus on what I need and want so I can get those, rather than accepting what randomly crosses my path. Actually, that would be a good way to live my life in general — what an intriguing concept!

Feel free to ask me about the progress I'm making; I need a bit of accountability.

I imagine you are all relieved by my decision, as am I. Thank you all for your input; it really helped.

TTFN!