Turn Around and Walk Forward

Caution: A long post with complex sentence structure, complicated punctuation, and many, many different metaphors. Not for the faint-hearted.

The best path isn't always the straightest

That's my motto for the year. The last post was all about traumas of the past and how they have affected me and my life. Within the gentle and supportive comments ran a particular thread: perhaps I need to simply accept my past and look to the present and future.

This is not the first time this concept has been suggested to me. A previous therapist became quite frustrated with me for continuing to talk about the past. A couple of friends have suggested that I cling to the past — suggested with increasing frustration and decreasing gentleness. I appreciate the gentle directness of my commenters.

It's true: I do cling to and look to the past. When I was talking to my therapist on Tuesday of this week, I had this vivid flash of me walking backward, taking my cues on which way to turn from what I saw before my eyes. That way leads to missteps and even falling off cliffs. It was a powerful and stirring image. I resolved right then to turn around and use my present, and my visions and desires, to guide me into the future.

Of course, I asked Michele her opinion of, well, everything. What I said in the blog. The idea that I cling to and pay too much attention to the past. Some other stuff. It frustrated me that she didn't respond directly and completely refrained from answering my questions. I'm probably going to push her on that next week.

However, it is ultimately me who has the choice and power to turn around and move forward. I chose the term "walk forward" to indicate activity; I have been almost completely motionless since Mom died, and that was almost three and a half years ago; I wonder how many years that has taken off my life? So "walk forward" tells me to move my body and to participate in my life much more actively than I have been. "Look forward" would have been way too passive.


So how will I do this? Well, as I said to Susanne, I need to "simply accept the events of my life, dust myself off and say 'ok', then move forward." Okay, I know it's not 'simple', but it's not as hard as I've made out to myself. After all, I 'simply' chose to move back to Seattle and while it was rather labor-intensive, making the decision was easy once I realized there was truly no reason for me to stay in Houston. Mind you, that realization came during my annual physical when my doctor asked me why I had to stay in Houston and I couldn't answer her. Sometimes it is as simple as seeing or thinking clearly.

Looking backward is a long-time habit. I think I've been doing it since my family moved when I was 16, or maybe when my dad died when I was 17. Since then I have looked backward to what I perceived as a better, happier life, wondering how I could get that life back and playing the "what if" game. I still play the what-if game with my life, and the "if only" game, and neither is useful or healthy for me. They don't recognize reality — my mind honestly tries to relive my life so that the bad things didn't happen! — and they don't encourage me to accept the past and move forward into the life that exists. While learning from the past is essential, clinging to it as better, as something I can change through the power of my mind and my desire, is not and is even harmful.

While it will take much practice and many reminders (and maybe a piece of jewelry or something that keeps my motto and the reason behind it at the forefront of my mind in the way the "you are braver than you believe" pendant does), I know I can do this. I have done so many difficult things, sometimes while experiencing great emotional pain. This change is almost entirely about changing mental habits, and I've done that very successfully with Karen. Unfortunately, I've backslid a bit (sorry, Karen!), but I do have the tools and can do it again. I think I have the cognitive-behavioral therapy book in my things here at the house and can reread it to refresh my memory and skills.

I will put many reminders around me. I think I'll change my tagline on this blog. And Sierra gave me an assignment (my friends do this; it's unfortunate that I need them to but fortunate that not only are they willing but they do it so well): today I am to make a "happiness jar". I'm decorating it and making it look happy and cheerful. Each time something happy occurs, even as simple as "I made my Sunshine Lentil soup today and it tasted great, I am to write it on a (colorful, if possible) slip of paper and put it in the jar. Then I can not only see how all the 'happies' add up, but I can read them all at the end of the year to remind me. I like this idea a lot. Sabine and Griffin really got into helping me do this and an assignment from Deb — they truly do want the best for me and want to help me achieve my goals and be happy — so I now have a largish plastic jar, things to decorate it with, a small notepad with brightly colored paper, and plans for creating Deb's Focus & Intent board.

My dear housemates even actively turned things upside down to help me find candles and candleholders (still looking for some candleholders, but they aren't urgent) so I can do some of the spells in Deborah Blake's Everyday Witch A to Z Spellbook for prosperity, energy, and so on. I mean, Griffin and Sabine certainly don't believe in witchcraft or magick, and probably don't even believe in the power of focused thoughts (as in our beloved FGBVs), but they were enthusiastic about helping me put together what I need to do some spells. (My own beliefs about magick etc. are idiosyncratic at best.)

I have plans. I have intentions (to find work I truly enjoy that pays me enough money so I can have and do what I need and enough of what I want, including save lots for retirement). I have a word for the year: Happiness, which includes all things that will contribute to my happiness as well as simply allowing myself to be happy. And I have a motto: Turn Around and Walk Forward. I have friends who are active participants in my walk forward to greater mental and emotional health and happiness. I even have a close friend providing me with my Friendly Neighborhood Addict's Tip A Day texts. (Well, not exactly a tip a day, but "a tip every couple of days or so" is too long and not punchy enough.) And I have desire and motivation: I am tired of being in therapy constantly.

I long to simply live and handle my life as it comes in a manner both competent and healthy. I long to be happy. By happy, I don't mean always cheerful. To me, happiness means content and comfortable with myself and my life, able to ride the waves and rapids and calm spots of life, able to cope with and pursue change with equanimity, always knowing even during times of sadness or pain or grief that there will again be good times as well, and accepting all of my life and myself.

Good times

The various intentions and desires and definitions in this post seem like a long grocery list of things, and would seem overwhelming to me if I weren't able — finally! — to see that they grow out of mindfulness, acceptance, and forward movement. I think all of the things I've listed are what healthy people simply do as they live their lives. It's like going for a walk in nature: you have paths you can follow, choosing one from the others or choosing to set out through the brush or over the hills to create a path where none currently exists, and are always surrounded by life — trees, grass, shrubbery, birds, snakes, insects, flowers, poison ivy, etc. — that you can be aware of, avoid, or interact with as you choose or need.

And not so good times

Walking through the trees, or walking along the beach, or walking city streets: that's life and that's how I'm going to live. And I will always remain open to questions, comments, and suggestions because I learn from other people's perspectives and learning is important to me.

Thank you all for your support, questions, comments, suggestions, advice, homework assignments, etc. over the past few years. Let's enjoy our present and walk into the future together. It's so much more pleasant to have congenial companions on a long walk!

I'm happy to begin 2014. May it be our best year yet!