Anger and Compassion

Dangerous

My housemate Sabine is a very angry person. She is also kind and generous. But as someone living with her, I would not agree with "sweet" the way those who do not live with her (or are not married to her) think she is. Because when she gets angry, she uses her anger like a sledgehammer and woe to him, or her, who gets in her way.

Unfortunately for me, I have issues relating to anger, particularly to other people's anger, whether it's directed toward me or not. I want to cower, I want to hide, I want to run.

My friend Julie would say this is one of my Life Lessons. My therapists would all say I can use this as an opportunity to deal with my issues about anger. I'd like to tell them all to jump in the lake, but that would just be petty. Especially because they are right.

I wish I could help Sabine. I think she needs therapy, but she is not someone I can suggest that to. There is always a wall around her that I think no one can penetrate, except maybe her mom. Not even her husband, Griffin, gets that close.

And, basically, the only person we can fix is ourselves. That's another lesson I'm learning.

Armored protection

I am getting better at being able — with a lot of effort — to let Sabine's anger roll over and past me, but then I get pissy about it and think sarcastic things about her in my head. Or like this morning, when I asked if I could use a spare squirt bottle to hold vinegar and water, a cleaning solution I prefer to ammonia-based solutions. She just stared at me for the longest time, and I fidgeted and went my usual route of "It's up to you. It's okay if you don't. It's not important." I mean, what I was saying was all true, but I used it as a deflector shield, trying to magically ward off any impending blasts. She finally agreed I could use the spray bottle, after a discussion about ammonia-based cleaners, and when I walked into the other room, my mind was saying "It was an easy question. Just yes or no. How hard is that?" Such internal dialogue is unnecessary, toxic, and lacking in compassion.

Compassion is another of the things I am working on. Sabine has her own issues and me getting petty and sarcastic, even within my own head, isn't nice. And nice matters. Kind matters. Compassion matters. I think that anger and compassion cannot easily coexist: if you feel angry, you aren't feeling compassionate toward the object of your anger, even if it is yourself or the Universe in general. If you feel compassion, it's difficult to feel angry at the object of your attention because you are feeling open and loving and accepting, even of the object's flaws.

I'm also working on compassion because to be compassionate toward others, you must also be compassionate toward yourself. It's like love: it's difficult to completely love another if you don't love yourself. If you don't love yourself, there will always be ways in which you hold back from the other. Trust works the same way. And I am lacking in trust, love, and compassion toward myself.

In a flap

I think it's important to be able to feel anger, to feel it but to not let it control one's actions. It's one thing to feel a surge of anger, but it's entirely another to lash out with that anger. Lashing out hurts others and can cause real harm to people or relationships. I know that Sabine's anger makes me walk warily around her and keeps me from trusting her or being close to her, even though I would like to do so. She's important to me: she has been extremely generous to me materially; she is letting me live in her home and is providing food and all the other necessities; she's married to my best friend. Unfortunately, I have to keep a certain emotional distance from her because of her anger and her lack of control over it. I'm careful with her, the way I would be with thin china or a feral animal.

However, I want to be compassionate toward Sabine. There are reasons behind her anger and lack of control. I don't know them, or at least I don't know most of them, but they exist. It's like with forgiveness: you don't say that the behavior is acceptable, but you can be compassionate toward (or forgive) the person who is behaving in an unacceptable manner.

Love is hard & soft

Then I have to step back and feel compassion toward myself. I have reasons why I behave in certain ways, too. I have traumas and wounds and pain. Feeling compassion toward myself is a huge gift and an important step in moving toward wholeness and health.

Sabine is angry and needs compassion and acceptance. I'm angry, and afraid of anger, and I need the very same things. The Buddha would point out something deep and pithy about these parallels. As I am not currently the Buddha, all I can say is that I'm working on these lessons as hard as I can. While I doubt I can heal Sabine with my compassion and acceptance, I am sure I can heal me.