Falling In and Out of Love

My love affair with Houston has been waning, as many of you reading my blog have already surmised. I don't have many friends here and none of them are close friends. I don't have work. And it gets too hot and humid for too long for my taste in the summer. And it has giant roaches.

That being said, I have a terrific therapist and psychiatrist. I am involved with an interesting non-profit for which I do both volunteer and paid work. Rarely is there snow and ice in the winter.

I know that the friends part is due largely because I haven't gotten involved in a lot of things. I have gone to professional meetings and networking lunches and met a couple of women there, but they have drifted away. I'm involved with the non-profit and enjoy the people I know through there, but only a couple of them socialize with me and that is rarely. So I guess I have tried.

I think I'm noticing this more since my trip to Oregon. I got to see several friends (and was perhaps busier than was necessary for a vacation). I got to see the ocean again, which I love. I even imagined the sound of gulls my first morning back in Houston. 

Getting Un-Lost

Previously I wrote about how I lost my way and wandered away from the philosophies, beliefs, and practices that gave me balance and a center and serenity.

Since I wrote that, I bought a couple books on simplicity by the writer I most like. And at night before I go to bed, I use one of them plus the Boorstein and Aurelius books as inspiration books. I flip the pages back and forth and open them randomly to some page and section, then read it and ponder how they relate to my life right now and how I can use them to live better and more true to myself. 

I think they've been helping. Aurelius reminds me that the past is the past and that we choose our responses. Boorstein reminds me how to have an expansive mind that encompasses all of life and living. St. James reminds me to remember that I need less than I think I do, that what I have is enough. They feel like family who are reminding me of who I am and what I know.

I feel lighter. Yes, I got weepy about Mom a couple of times this past week, but that's okay. Grief takes time. What I'm finding is that some of the anger and resentment (mostly toward the Universe) is leaching away. And I found something I'd missed: Hatred. A shocking depth of hatred toward the Universe for taking my mom away from me and leaving me alone.That's definitely an issue to work on because I believe that hatred poisons the hater, and I don't need that.

I think I'm finding my way again. I feel more centered and more grounded. I look forward to when I look in the mirror at some point and say "Ah. There you are!"

On Simplifying My Life

I like reading about simplicity — there is always a new perspective or something new to learn. Because I don't have my favorite books with me, I've been cruising teh Interwebz and found a post on one of my favorite sites: zenhabits. This post is "Simple Living Manifesto: 72 Ideas to Simplify Your Life" by Leo Babauta, the author of the site. 

The post isn't about 72 things you must do in order to simplify your life. The 72 things are ideas and suggestions, things to think about. I am beginning with the first one, because it seems central to how to live my life in general, not just how to simplify it.

"I. Make a list of your top 4-5 important things." This list basically sets your priorities and the way you want to live your life. This is what I wrote:

1. Creating. Writing!, drawing & painting, crocheting.
2. Freedom. Being able to do what I want to do when I want to do it, not being tied to an 8 to 5, commuting, unsatisfying-job existence (and getting burnt-out, and getting sick — again). Being able to do work that I think is fun, being able to work wherever I want to work. Having time and energy for my important things.
3. Love & Friendship: having close friends to talk with, having friends to do things with, having people to love. (Having a "romantic" relationship would be nice, too.)
4. Compassion & Giving:  Things like volunteering for EcoBot and being the Vice-Chair for its committee, volunteering to do stuff here and there, and maybe volunteering to work with shelter cats and cats at adoption events. Giving my time.
5. My Health. Physical, emotional, mental. Getting the care I need and taking care of myself in every way.

It's not an exciting list: there is no lust for travel (not that I would turn it down, and the Freedom item would allow me to do so, but travel isn't important to me as a thing by itself). No building a hugely successful business (that wouldn't leave me very free). It's a list that feels good to me. It feels open; all of it feels "free" to me. I wasn't sure about 4 and 5, because they weren't exciting, but even though I'm not doing all I could be doing (possibly because I'm not free as I struggle with money and worry and grief), I am doing some and there is lots of room for growth.

I can see what I want here. I'm not sure how to get to all of it. And I need to just start writing: if I can write more than one blog on a regular basis, I can write a story. I can start a novel. I can work on any of a number of things I want to write. The blog seems different from "real" writing, but for goodness sakes, look at my weekly word count! That's real writing alright.

Who knows? As I pursue the things I can easily pursue now, maybe the others will simply come to me.

What are your top 4 or 5 things?

Simple

I'm not sure where I first learned about simplicity and the simplicity movement, but I got my first books on the subject in the early 90s. The first one may have been Simple Abundance. And while I had issues with the obvious religious overtones here and there, I found most of the rest of the book to be mind-changing. I found something I'd been missing (and I keep missing it because I'm a lousy shot — ba dum bum). 

My favorite simple-living book is The Simplicity Reader: Simplify Your Life, Inner Simplicity, and Living the Simple Life by Elaine St. James. It's three of her first books in one and I love all the suggestions and ideas. In the printed world, there are many, many books on simplicity: books on the Circle of Simplicity, Simplicity Groups, and more. Then there's the Tightwad Gazette for extreme frugality and there's Your Money or Your Life where, if you truly follow their instructions, you should be able to be financially independent (which is not the same as filthy rich) in something like five years, depending on your debt situation. It helps if you have an income to start with. (Unfortunately, a couple of books they say are essential are long out of print because the first edition was written like 30 years ago.) I include in my lifestyle bookshelf my books on Zen Buddhism (It's Easier Than You Think, by Sylvia Boorstein), Stoic Philosophy (Meditations, by Marcus Aurelius and The Enchiridion, by Epictetus), and mindful awareness (The Miracle of Mindfulness, by Thich Nhat Hanh). (And all but two of these books are in storage, which makes things a bit difficult for me: I have these books, just not here; I have no income, so buying new books is a bad idea; but reading these books helps my life.)

At one time, I followed a lot of these concepts and philosophies. Along the way, life happened and I got lost. I want to find my way again, because living simply, being frugal, being mindful and aware — these things make me feel good. My life has changed so drastically and dramatically that I'm lost there as well. I think that following these paths ... which, really, all form different aspects of one path for me ... will help me find my new life and help me find my new happiness.

Thinking — Not Always A Good Thing

I've been thinking, a very dangerous activity for me. When I think, small thoughts grow into bigger thoughts, which often grow into grandiose ideas and fabulous plans.

I think I'm currently at medium thoughts.

I've been thinking about what I want to write about. I have this blog. I have a professional blog that I started then stopped. I may or may not theoretically have other blogs in existence or in stand-by, if at all. But what should I do with my blogs? With my professional blog, I want to share my ideas about my profession. I want to make it a useful blog for myself and others. I want to share and grow and stretch.

For this blog, I want to explore my ideas instead of just writing them down. I want to put real thought and effort behind each post. So I've been creating a list of things to write about. I'm color-coding them so I know which blog they belong to (as if the topic isn't sufficient — I just like to color-code things).

I think that in this one I want to return to exploring the mental landscape that is in my head, which includes things I want to include in my life, things I'm just thinking about, etc. But things that are important, rather than just "I like cheese."

Two things I can think of to start with are the concept and practice of Simplicity, and the concept and Practice of Scientific Pantheism. The two of them complement each other quite well. I'm not sure if it would be better to alternate them, to cover one to the best of my ability before going on to the next, or just be random.

I'd rather not be random. I could, possibly, interweave them. Say I'm writing about Simplicity and something I say reminds me about something in SP. Well, I could cover that the next day. Does that make sense?

Well, I'm still cogitating. I know I'll come up with something interesting. But I do plan to start with Simplicity. Both my life and my mind could use a lot of it. And I may throw in some Stoic Philosophy and my own brand of Zen Buddhism (my own, barely informed, brand). I can see myself expounding upon the life and being that is Skye. That's just a warning. Just in case.