It's been a rather full week here in Skye World. I'm currently sitting on the couch with bandages on my nose and behind my ear and with thoughts buzzing and whirling around in my head like so many hummingbirds and butterflies.
On Monday, my therapist and I talked about my last post, about having the blues and just being down. She said my "cognitive slip" was showing. Basically, the tone of my post was one of powerlessness, as if I had no options but to feel depressed and oppressed and anxious. I wasn't using my cognitive skills to look at my situation differently or to see options. For example, instead of being depressed and staying depressed over the darkness of the weather and feeling like I was living in a cave, I could have acknowledged that I felt low but that I could then change it. I could have watched funny movies on Netflix. I could have taken on a project (and I have plenty of those) to turn my mind in a different direction. I could have blessed the rain for helping Houston against the drought. So I need to work more on my cognitive skills.
Then I was stressing about the decision whether to stay in Houston or move back to Seattle. There are pluses and minuses on both sides. I've gotten a lot of input from a variety of people about it. Then I was offered a full-time job by the people I did work for at the end of 2011 and the beginning of 2012. Right then I realized that I'd rather move to Seattle. Then I was offered a contract from that company to work on a job that would require me to work and live in Mozambique for 28 days, then leave and let another writer be there for 28 days, then I'd go back and so on for 6 months or more, and I could live in Seattle if I wanted. I even said yes because it seemed ideal.
Then the anxiety set in. And the stress. I was already still stressing from my cognitive slip and from my upcoming skin cancer surgery. Did I really want to travel to and from Africa and live there for a month at a time? Was it safe? Could I handle it? My cognitive slip got worse. But some of my friends talked to me and gave me their opinions and advice, which actually helped me focus on what was causing me so much anxiety. I realized that I'm not yet to a level where I could handle something like the Mozambique job, for a whole lot of reasons. But I can handle finding work in Seattle and moving there. Mozambique helped me see where I am with my mental health work and how much I still need to do. Luckily for me, the company was very understanding when I told them I didn't want that job, and they are even going to keep me in mind for projects I could do while I'm looking for work in Seattle.
Yesterday I had the surgery to remove the skin cancer from my nose. That was definitely a stressor and is still a little bit of a stressor today, but less so. It took them two tries to get all the cancer, leaving what looked to me like a gaping hole in my nose. The doctor removed tissue from behind my ear for a skin graft for my nose. Here's hoping it looks good after it heals! As for why it's still a bit of a stressor: I cannot get my nose wet for a week. Either I'm going to be very careful in the shower, or I'm going to have very dirty hair by the end of the week. Plus, I have to rebandage my nose and behind my ear every day, and apply vaseline to keep the wounds from drying out so they will heal better. I've just done my first rebandage and I have to say, I think monkeys could have done as well. As my BFF told me, I'll get better at it, by the time I don't need to do it anymore! But I'm doing the best I can and that's all I can do.
So I have some work to do. I need to look at my thoughts and see what needs adjusting and then do it. I need to pay more attention to my ongoing thoughts so I can catch cognitive slips when they happen and fix them on the spot. And I need to relax. Since I can't exercise or do anything where I bend my head below my waist for the next week, I might as well practice meditation and relaxation techniques.
I think I've learned a lot in the past week (and I have difficulty believing it's been only a week). I'm surprised that I'm not looking at the Mozambique thing as a failure. I'm glad that I know what my decision is on where to live. And I'm glad that the skin cancer is removed, no matter what I've got to do to take care of the wounds and for how long. I'm actually feeling good about all of this! Wow. Quite a different space from my last post, eh?
I'm on a journey. Sometimes it's difficult and sometimes it's easy. But with the knowledge and skills I'm gaining, step by step and day by day, I'm getting better at handling the difficulties and the changes. Someday I am going to handle my journey with serenity and grace and understanding. If I work hard enough and practice patience enough, that day will come soon.
Wow. You may feel like you're not getting anywhere, but from where I sit, you're going forward in leaps and bounds.
ReplyDeleteLook at all you've learned this week! And now you've finally settled the "where I want to live" question, so you can start plotting and planning.
As for not getting the nose wet, I wouldn't worry too much--after all, they don't want it to dry out. And the bandage and the vaseline will protect it somewhat.
Sorry you're having a tough week, but still, yay you. And you know what else you can do while sitting? EDIT :-)
I have made progress on several fronts. I still have to work on my feeling that the "where I live decision" has a right and a wrong answer. And that it's permanent; no changes allowed later. The other Skye addressed this in her comment on the previous post.
DeleteI'm definitely following the doctor's orders to the best of my ability because this is on my nose and I want it to look okay afterward. But Sierra gave me an idea to try so I can wash my hair and I'm going to try it.
Yes, editing has definitely crossed my mind. My bad wolf is telling me it's not worth revising, but I'm going to feed my good wolf and revise anyway. Just need to get my brain to stop swirling. :)
So sorry you have to go through this, Skye. This type of surgery is difficult to deal with. You need the graft to take so don't disturb it. Do everything the doctor says. I had a melanoma removed from my upper arm and a skin graft many years ago. Still have a big hole there and an ugly scar but the older I get the less I care. I fought cancer, and I won. : )
ReplyDeleteI am definitely following the doctor's orders. I want any scars on my nose to be only lightly noticeable, if at all.
DeleteI didn't have to fight a melanoma, thank goodness, but I will take your attitude of I fought cancer and I won! :) Thank you.
Your therapist is good! And so are you! I remember where you were last week, and today's post is leaps and bounds away!
ReplyDeleteImportant note: How your nose looks when the bandage is first off is not the way it will look a couple months down the line. Even skin has a journey.
And I must know -- what's so bad about having dirty hair for a week? If you *really* need to, rub through with a damp washcloth.
It's true: I have become vain in my older years. I will keep in mind that my nose wound has its own journey.
DeleteAs for dirty hair, I get it from my mom. When I was a kid, we washed every day and once I kept my hair shorter, I washed it every day. Now I often shower every other day, same with shampooing my hair. With the hair it is probably overkill. I will keep the damp washcloth idea in mind.
I think you may be surprised in that your hair won't get as dirty in a week as you think. I sometimes go ten days without washing mine before I can even tell a difference.
ReplyDeleteI have short hair, so it does tend to show, but if I clean out and shampoo my brush, I can probably make my hair look good for longer than normal. I used to go for a week or so when my hair was long.
DeleteIt's a vanity thing. *blush*
You're definitely making progress and you do actually know it. But, there will always be down days, for whatever reason or even, it seems, no reason. So just acknowledge that it's not always "every day in every way is getting better and better" because that's just not reasonable. However, getting better is the general progression and that should feel good.
ReplyDeleteLet's see. what else? That story you wrote? Definitely worth editing!
FGBVs for the nose and ear - noses just seem so really THERE when there's something going on with them, don't they? Like that's the only thing that you can see when you look at yourself in the mirror. Take care of yourself and be good to yourself!
I think I do get stuck into thinking that getting better and making progress is a linear progression and life isn't like that. But yes, I am glad about the general progression.
DeleteThank you about the story. I will edit it. I will. I'll try to use it to balance out what will now become a huge effort to find work in Seattle. (My friend sent me a job I really really want, but it's going to take some magic to get it).
Yes, all I see when I look in the mirror is the bandage on my nose. Once it comes off, all I will see will be the wound and skin graft, I'm sure. I'll have to ask the derm surgeon how best to make it look good while it continues to heal. Great timing for the job search and interviewing .... :)
My days am I ever out of the loop! Glad the skin graft came out fine. I shared that with my mum. She had skin cancer operated on her nose a few years ago, but it's not noticeable. But she's afraid it might be back, and afraid of how much would have to come off a second time.
ReplyDelete