The Center of All Things

Today's therapy became very philosophical. A post of mine appeared on the What EveryBetty Said blog today and it was about the concept of all things being transitory. This led to my thinking about how I lost my anchor and my center when my mom died because she was those things to me. Then I wondered if maybe I'm making my BFF into those things in her place, and if I should pull back a little bit.

My therapist saw things differently. She's listened to me talk about the Zen Buddhist and Stoic philosophies that I read on and her take was about risk and needing to risk pain and the negative emotions (think in terms of the negative space on a graph) in order to have the possibility of joy and love and the full range of positive emotions (the upper, positive part of a graph). That what I really need is to create my center, my anchor, within myself, not pull back from people so I don't risk pain.

There are a lot of reasons why my center is not within myself. My parents did not raise me to be self-sufficient. In fact, my father — a cop — taught my mother to handle a gun and my little brother to handle a gun, but did not teach me. I was warned away from tools and ladders and other "dangerous" things because I "might get hurt." I was sheltered and protected, at least as they saw it (they didn't protect me from being molested) and pretty much expected to marry someone who would continue to take care of me. Even though my mother worked outside of the home and she made equal decisions with my father and was in no way submissive or second to him. It was all very weird — I saw that even as a kid. So I didn't develop an interior locus of control or a sense of self-confidence in the face of difficulty.

Next, well, are the traumas in my life. Molestation. Bullying. Then losing my father, then my brother before I was 22. I held onto my mother with both metaphorical hands and all my might: she was the reason I chose not to take my own life after my brother took his and I could barely cope: I felt a responsibility to my mom to not put her through that again. So she was my reason for living for a very long time. She anchored me to this life.

One of the biggest problems I've had since Mom died was this lack of a center or an anchor, a lack of being grounded. My therapist proposed that this is what I work on. Be my own center so that I can embrace those I love without leaning on them so that if they go away I won't fall over. Be grounded on my own feet so that passing traumas cannot knock me over. Be able to still love and care with a whole heart, without crumbling should I lose who I love.

The concept is a simple one, sure, but not easy for me to achieve. It's spiritual: what in my non-deitific life gives me a spiritual center? It's cognitive: what have I accomplished that proves to me that I am self-reliant and independent? It even touches that part of me that is kinesthetic in nature: not leaning, standing on my own feet, etc., like a Weeble ("Weebles Wobble But They Don't Fall DOWN!")

I'll address these aspects of centeredness and my life in later posts (or this one is going to be far too long; besides, then I'll have ready-made ideas for later posts). Right now, I'd like to know, do you feel centered and grounded within yourself? What does or does not give you that sense?

Paying Attention

So I wrote in my last post about how I was doing a set of exercises Every Day, even when I didn't feel like it. And basically, that is true. Until today.

Today wasn't the same as the "I don't feel like it" mornings. I woke up achey and sore and very, very fatigued. I argued with myself about whether or not it was the fibromyalgia and should I give myself a break or not. I finally decided it was probably the fibro and gave myself the day off from everything. 

I rested. I read. I napped, which I have not been doing every day anymore. And I don't hurt now except for a small headache (possibly from reading a long novel on my iPhone). I don't feel fatigued. I feel better. So I can look forward to the exercises tomorrow. Already some places on my body are more toned and stronger. Of course, to get rid of my belly, I'm going to have to eat better and get some more cardio, both of which are things I'm going to be doing in the near future.

I don't look at today's exercise break as a fail. I look at it as just what my body told me it needed. I can't forget that I have physical limitations, even mild ones, or I will think I'm failing every time I take care of those physical needs. Listening to my body is a behavior that is just as essential to my well-being as listening to my self-talk is, so I look at doing so, and not beating myself up about it, as a win.

Paying attention to myself and my needs is what I'm going to therapy and reading books to learn. It seems to be working.  :)

Following Through

It was a good therapy session today. My therapist detailed the ways in which I've improved from last year and even from a few months ago. The main thing she pointed out was that not only do I have ideas and plans, I actually follow through with them.

The thing is, this isn't just different from last year or even the year before when I was completely paralyzed with grief. Following through on intentions is something I haven't been doing reliably for years due to the depression and anxiety and the bad habits I developed (or the good ones I lost).

For example: I do a set of exercises and stretches every morning. Every. Morning. Even when I don't feel like it. I let myself skip the Saturday before last, but last Saturday I decided that taking a day off from my exercises wasn't doing me any favors, nor was it getting me closer to my goal of fitting into my "fat" Levis by the time I go to Seattle for the holidays. (I have to lose weight to fit into them. I have two other pair that are smaller than those.) So I didn't skip. I can't remember when I last performed exercises on a regular basis, much less an every-day basis. And I'm not even giving into to the "I don't feel like it"-itis that has been my typical behavior for years.

Other examples of my following through include my job hunting activity (applied for two jobs just this morning), and the activities I have to do in order to do a desired activity — my reward/contingency tasks.

I've still got a lot of work to do. I need to develop a habit of eating healthy (that's for November), but I refrained from buying any sweets today (including the fresh-baked pumpkin pie ... sigh) and I'm full from a late lunch so every time my mouth prompts me to get up and go find something to eat in the kitchen, I turn myself around (might as well get up off the couch and move a little) and walk back into the living room. No eating if I'm not hungry and give my sugar cravings time to die off.

I need to develop the habit of paying my bills on time. I need to clean off my desk so I can actually do work at it. And I need to start doing cardio exercises (that's December's habit to learn, even though I'm going to be out of town for several days).

Even though I still have much to do and change, I know I'll get it done. Why? Because I'm developing the most important habit of all, the habit of follow-through. And with that habit settling into my bones again, I know I can do anything.

Hope for Happy

I have struggled with depression and anxiety off and on for most of my life and have spent some very long periods sunk into the Abyss of Darkness that comes from being extremely depressed or anxious. But I have always continued to take my meds or see my therapist. I have always tried whatever I could to get out of the Abyss and to a better place. Why would I even try if I just kept falling back in? Because, except for a few extremely dark times in my life, I have always had hope that one day I would be happy and wouldn't even have an Abyss to fall into.

By happy, I don't mean always cheerful and everything's fine and nothing's wrong. Life is up and down: my life proves that in so many ways. I mean happy in an overall, general sense, knowing that I will be alright and that everything will work out and the bad times will pass again as they always do. Knowing that in my gut and my heart, not just my head. Right now, the only thing I know that well is that the good times pass; I need to know that the bad times pass, too.

I have moments where I know that, because change happens and all things change, both good times and bad times come and go and that I can find a kind of serenity that will allow me to ride them both out with equanimity, not holding onto the good times to make them last longer or trying to avoid the bad ones altogether. I've even had a few moments in my life where I felt that kind of serenity, briefly, but definitely.

There are things that will help me get there again and for longer and longer times. One of them, which I rarely practice, is meditation. Meditation truly does bring about a change in how I feel. The other things are continuing to do my work with my therapy and to practice being happy and serene.

You Probably Want to Know

"So," you've probably been thinking. "How is Skye doing on her new program?"

Well, I'll tell you. I started out strong last week then completely stopped it when my period started and I just wasn't going to exercise. I don't exercise during "that time of the month" because it makes everything worse: heavier, more crampy, more bleah. I did accomplish my Tuesday task so was able to watch Castle, and I accomplished my next two tasks and watched both Project Runway and MythBusters. But the exercise went to hell.

Now I am back on with the exercise as of this morning, plus I walked in the park this afternoon. I have a task to do tomorrow and I have, thanks to the creative spark from Deb, created a chart with tasks prioritized and sorted, with different sets of contingents/rewards attached to each priority, and color-coded and printed so I can keep track without having to open the spreadsheet any time I need a reminder. 

The tasks I have to do for any given contingent or reward (yes, I put ice cream on there a couple of times, and yarn) are not difficult or even terribly time-consuming. Later, as I get better at this and am able to sustain greater efforts using self-discipline (or being less self-indulgent), I can pursue bigger tasks or sets of tasks.

My BFF commented on the previous post that it would be better to do these tasks due to rational cause-and-effect or cost-benefit analyses, but I'm not up to that level yet. I'm kind of at toddler or young child level when it comes to personal self-discipline (I'm still fine with professional self-discipline), so I have to start with what works. 

Self-Discipline, But Not the Fun Kind

You know how I mentioned that I need to become more active, get more exercise, and engage in the behavioral change part of cognitive-behavioral therapy? Well, this is me committing to these things and letting you all know you can call me to be accountable for these commitments.

I blame my therapist, but maybe I should blame my friend Deb. Both of them suggested using a reward system. Deb actually suggested I use what my therapist refers to as a contingency: that I have to accomplish a particular task before I can join in our TV-watching/chatroom get-together tomorrow night. So my therapist and I, unable to come up with rewards that didn't involve food or spending money, decided I need to go with the contingency model, where being able to do one thing is contingent upon my doing another, less-desirable, thing first. And as there is no one to monitor my behavior and either allow or not allow me to do the more-desirable thing, I have to use self-discipline to stick to the plan.

I may have to paddle myself just for going along with this idea!

So that I can be held accountable, I need to let someone (or more than one someone) know what I'm accountable for. Therefore, I'm giving you all the basics. I expect only a few people to engage in this, but that will be enough.

I love to read "my" blogs, which I do every morning. Under the new rules, I cannot read any blogs until I've done my entire set of morning exercises, which includes sit-ups, push-ups, squats, lunges, toe lifts, a plank, and my foot exercises. Then I can read HALF of my blogs.