Holiday Quiet

I'm in the living room at my friend's house and it's almost entirely silent. Girl child went to a friend's house. Boy child and dad went to boy child's bagpipe lesson. Mom is taking a nap. And the animals appear to be napping as well. I feel entirely alone and at peace with the lit Christmas tree and the mantel lights and the Santas and nutcrackers and snowmen.

It's been a wonderful holiday so far. Knowing that I am wanted makes me light up inside, even though I am tired (my hips hit right at the middle bar on the cot and I am unused to being around people 24/7). It's gray outside and quite cold and has rained off and on, but I'm handling it. (The silk long underwear helps a lot!)

It is nice being in places that are familiar and knowing that I could get around on my own fairly easily (in spite of all the changes here and there over the past 12 1/2 years). 

The fact that it's in the 70s in Houston is a nice thought, but the extreme heat started there so early this year and has continued so late. I stayed indoors much of this past year because of stress and because I was afraid the weather would hurt me. 

I have been afraid that the local cold weather would hurt me, too, but today, with my silks on underneath my jeans and my thin fleece pullover, with wool-blend socks on my feet and my wool winter coat covering me from shoulder to mid-thigh, with my gloves on my hands, I managed a family walk down the hill to Starbucks and the walk back up the hill and was actually feeling warm before we got to the house. So the cold weather has made me feel cold when I was slightly underdressed, but it has not hurt me. (But I might feel differently if it were snowy or icy.)

I'm feeling peaceful right now. I don't feel the need to make any decisions or to rationalize any potential decisions to myself or others. I am simply relaxing on the couch, drinking hot tea with milk, and typing on my laptop.

I have been having so much fun, have been talking and laughing a great deal, and have listened and observed, all with great joy and contentment. Now I feel the contentment of the peace and quiet of this lull in the holiday and my visit.

Regarding thoughts of moving to Seattle, my friends have assured me they would have or make time for me in their lives. They miss me and would love to have me move back here, as long as I was happy. This is very comforting. I still have a lot of thinking to do, and a lot of research into jobs and rents etc., and a lot of talking with my therapist. But I feel better able to be able to judge the Seattle side of the equation.

Now I think I'm going to watch the lights of the tree and feel the warmth of the encompassing happiness my hosts have shown over having me share this holiday with them.

I hope your holidays were joyous and warm as well.

Potential Hiatus, or End of the World

So, tomorrow I leave for my holiday trip to friends in Seattle. Yes, I can announce this on the interwebz because no one knows where I live! Well, except for those of you I sent cards to, but I'm not worried.

Because I will be visiting, I may not be blogging. In that case, there will be an approximately 9 or 10 day hiatus. If it turns out that I and any of my hosts choose to have some quiet time with our computers, I may write a post.

Then again, tomorrow is that big End of the Mayan Calendar thing that some people say is the End of the World (insert deep reverberation here). If so, the hiatus will probably be longer than 9 or 10 days but won't be my fault. No one has yet blamed me for ending the world.

I hope you all have a lovely holiday of your choice, or no holiday at all if that is your choice. I will see you again sometime after the 30th, if not sooner.

Love,

Skye

The Hard Ones

Nope, this post is not by Tawna Fenske and I haven't taken to writing innuendo on my blog (although if I had her mind and her talent I totally would).

This post is about the hard decisions and how to make them. It's specifically about one decision that has come to completely occupy my mind.

I've become more and more compelled lately to consider whether to stay in Houston or move back to Seattle. There are so many things to consider and the two places are so different that trying to decide how to decide has been making me crazy. So I brought it up in therapy today.

I've been considering this decision casually for much of the year, but wasn't serious because my therapy and my therapist have been too important to me to let go. But as I have begun meeting goals and getting increasingly more healthy, the decision has begun to take on weight.

One of what I consider the downsides to being single is when I have to or choose to make big decisions. I like being able to choose a paint color for a room on my own, but it would be nice to have someone to share in the big decisions, someone who had a stake in the decision, someone to bounce ideas back and forth with, and someone for backup. A decision like where to live is huge and hard to make on my own. So I think it will be a topic of conversation in therapy, as well as how to make big decisions in general, for the next several sessions (which won't start again until January).

Just to start with, my therapist proposed I start thinking about what nourishes me most. Is it sunlight and warmth, or is it relationships? Can I adapt to the cold and dark again to be close to good friends, or can I live with the possibility of not having such close friends where I live yet can grow citrus trees in my backyard, when I get a backyard? Either place I live, I will need more friends and will have to approach finding them intentionally. I do have some good friends up north, but they cannot do it all for me; I'll need a few more to meet my socialization needs, but the ones I find in the north can be more casual types of friends while down here in Houston I'd still be looking for close friends with whom I can spend significant time together.

I think I've had a bit more focused anxiety worrying over wanting to make this decision. I have a stomach ache and have had one since we started talking about it in therapy. But I need to remind myself of what my therapist said at the end of the session. Whichever place I choose, I'll be able to adapt and be happy. I have developed my center within myself, and contentment with myself outside of what my environment is like. So this decision isn't a matter of which place is the "right" place for me; neither is a right decision or a wrong decision. 

Whichever place I choose to live in, I will be fine and content. I will be at home.

A Day of Beauty

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in therapy and processing and my inner life that I kind of ignore the outside of myself. Even when I take walks in the park, my mind is going on about myself and my issues, wants, needs, etc. But yesterday, a good friend took me out of myself and into nature.

I got up at 5:30 for a 6:30 am pick-up. I didn't have breakfast because we were treating ourselves to kolaches and donuts along the way. I timed it well because I had just one more little thing to do when he called that he was waiting in the parking lot for me.

At first it didn't look too promising. There had been a forecast for 30% chance of rain and it was a little sprinkle-y and very cloudy when I got in the car. But we drove and drove to the southeast, talking and enjoying each other's company.

When we arrived at the nature preserve, it still didn't look promising. We hadn't seen any groups of snow geese along the road the way we had a couple of years ago. And it was still cloudy and overcast, making for a very flat light.

Traffic jam! The white in among the marsh are snow geese on the ground.

But inside the preserve were some 20,000-30,000 very smart snow geese. They can't be hunted inside the preserve and they simply covered the marsh, flying in and out, possibly looking for their favorite neighbors to land next to within the honking, foraging, white mass. Even with the cacophony of honking, we could still hear the explosions of gunfire from the hunting areas just outside of the preserve.

Quick Update

The results of my skin biopsies are in and there is no melanoma (yay!). My nose has a basal cell cancer tumor, which is not a big deal. I will be contacted by the surgeon next week, we'll make an appointment for a consultation, then he'll remove it and make my nose look normal instead of having a divot in it.

I tried to not worry, but subconsciously I guess I did. I didn't sleep great the past couple of days. But I will sleep better tonight knowing there's nothing threatening on my skin.

I do have to see the dermatologist every 3 months for the next year because in that first year after you've found one basal cell cancer you can find another skin cancer, but I am not going to worry. There isn't a history of it in my family, even with my fair-skinned mother and grandmother. So we're good.

As for my back wounds, I saw my regular doctor for my physical today. She looked at both back wounds and said that the one that was hardest to get to looks healed; she didn't even rebandage it. And she says it looks like I'm doing well with the other one, that it's healing well. So more yay!

And there you go, for those of you who were concerned.

Lingering Effects

People say you shouldn't live in the past, and I agree with that. What I don't agree with is when people say "you shouldn't let what happened in the past affect you now." 

It's not like it's a choice. Past traumas have to be dealt with and processed before you can move on. Some people are lucky enough to have done that processing back when the trauma happened. Others of us were a little overflowing in the trauma department and are still working on processing old traumas.

For example, my discussions of connections and friendship with my therapist. This week we were just chatting at first and we got on the topic of my rosacea, which is doing the best it's ever done. It's mostly pink with some light red areas. Before I had laser treatment on it in 2007 (thanks, Mom!), it was pretty much the color of a fire truck in bright sunlight, and was that way since I was 12 or 13. 

That took us into a discussion of the effects the rosacea had on me in junior high and much of the rest of my life, because people ALWAYS commented on it, asking if I'd been out in the sun and gotten a sunburn, offering home remedy suggestions, and, in junior high, being total asshats about it, pointing it out, calling me names, and in general picking on me to an extreme extent. Yes, I was that kid, the one who everyone picked on and put down so as to not be the lowest person on the totem pole. 

I also think my rosacea contributed in part to my lack of romantic success: it made me stand out in a non-attractive way and men are very visual creatures. As a couple of friends said when we talked about my face over the years, they noticed the red a lot until we became good friends. Then they never noticed it again. So a guy would have had to become friends with me to even get past the redness of my face, I imagine. But no, I'm not going to blame the rosacea entirely for my eternal singlehood: I just think it was a contributing factor both as being visually off-putting to others (people are still more attracted to attractive individuals) and developing in me a hesitancy and a defensive manner toward others.

Pro and Con of Living Alone

Pro: In my house in Oregon, which required remodeling, I could choose all the surfaces, styles, paint colors, and bathroom fixtures myself, without having to compromise (not even in the face of my contractor's whining).

Con: Because there is no one here, I shall have to change the dressings on my back By My Self! 

I went to the dermatologist today and he took samples of something on my nose and something on my back and he took care of a cyst on my back, all of which required cutting and now require care for one to two weeks. The cyst was practically in the middle of my back and I couldn't even see it with a hand mirror. Now I have to place a piece of gauze with some stuff on it and a bandage on that place that I cannot see when I turn around. Twice a day. And make sure none of it develops a scab — yeah, I'll be able to tell if that's happening. And hell, the nose doesn't even have a bandage on it, so the easy one is a breeze to deal with.

Sigh. I don't think you can even hire someone to do this for you.

But What Do I Want?

What do I want from friends and friendship, in general and in specific? That could tell me what I feel I'm missing in my life, and it could inform my casual search for friends. (I don't intend to make an impassioned, active search for friends right now, partly because it sounds kinda scary and stalkerish and partly because it sounds like it would involve the part of me that probably scared off potential friends in the past.)

I already have some of what I want; I'm just listing all my wants, even if I have some of them. And hopefully there is or will be overlap among these friends.

• I want close friends with whom I can talk about anything and everything. Someone to share the good and bad times with. Someone I could cry on (and let me tell you, I don't cry in front of people easily) and who would cry on me if necessary.


• I want friends to do things with, to have fun with. Someone to go to a museum or the zoo with, someone to play card games and board games with, even the twisted games like Cards Against Humanity. Friends who have time for me and like to spend time with me.


• I want friends who get my sense of humor and at least some of my references, including the role-playing-game and H.P. Lovecraft references. I make jokes that include these things with some frequency and it would be nice to not get the blank look. I want friends who will sincerely laugh at my jokes.


• I want friends who will accept the less-acceptable side of me, the side that I don't talk about even on this blog, the darker side of me, I guess.


• I want a two-way street: give and take in both directions. Friends who will let me do things for them when they need it and who will do things for me when I need it.

That seems pretty comprehensive to me. Isn't this what most people want from friends? Or is my list oddly different from other people's? How is your list of friends you have or want different from mine? How is it the same?

Friends of a Feather

On my previous post, a couple of commenters talked about how there are different kinds and levels of friendships. Another commenter talked about how some of her friends were not what she expected. Those comments got me thinking about expectations I have had for friends in the past and that I have now.

For example, I do tend to stay away from the extremely outgoing extroverts as friends. I have had a couple of friends like that and the friendships weren't as deep as I wanted; when my situation changed and I wasn't able to be where those friends were, they stopped being friends. Yet, we had fun when we were together. And what's wrong with having some friendships that aren't deep? Do all of one's friendships have to be strongly emotionally intimate? I hate to use the words "shallower' or "more superficial" because they carry negative connotations, but what's wrong with friendships that are just fun and only a few inches deep? Perhaps I imbued those friendships with attributes they just weren't capable of having.

The people I'm used to having as friends are introverts with a background in reading science fiction and fantasy or playing role-playing games, but not the folks who like to live it such as the LARPers (Live-Action Role Players) or who spend all their free time in the Society for Creative Anachronism. People who were moderate in their love of the non-conformist and the out of this world. People like me, in other words. So I am guilty of dismissing many people as possible friends. In my defense, I have friends who do not fulfill all those aspects and have a couple of good friends who fulfill none of them. 

On Making Friends

Today in therapy, we were congratulating me on the strides I've made in my cognitive therapy: developing my center and a sense of home in myself; becoming comfortable and content with the way my life is, even though I would rather it be less solitary; basically developing more of an internal locus of control rather than external.

Then I asked my therapist, "What next? Go back and do some trauma work?" She was curious why I felt I need trauma work rather than to continue with cognitive work. 

"Where in your life do you feel that past traumas are holding you back?"

That was a good question. We talked about that for a bit, then I came up with my problems with making connections: both friendship and romantic. Since I've lived in Houston, I've had two friendships go ballistic on me (and had to go to other friends to get reality checks to make sure I wasn't the crazy one in each situation), one dropped off the radar, and one has had very good reasons to be scarce. But in my past, I've watched as other people made workplace friendships that developed past the workplace and I saw people make love matches that eluded me. I've developed the expectation, I told my therapist, that either I won't make any connections or the ones I do make will end very badly. (I have one good friend I made via work and who has remained a good friend for over 25 years.) I feel I'm so poor at making friends I might as well start making them out of Sculpy.

There is good reason for me to think that traumas have affected my ability to make intimate and lasting connections. But it's also possible that my expectations, based as they are upon experience, have twisted my beliefs and self-talk about friendships and romantic relationships. So far, we are doing quite well with the cognitive stuff, so why not keep going on that, my therapist suggested. 

Garden of Solitude

I am alone a lot, and by "a lot" I mean virtually all the time. I have Monday therapy, followed by a walk in the park and grocery shopping. About twice a month I have lunch with one friend and now perhaps once a month I'll be having lunch with another friend. And once a month an in-person meeting with the members of my volunteer group. That's about eight hours a month that I spend in-person with other people. 

I also have a weekly Castle-TV-watching-and-chat session with two girlfriends. I text with two friends quite frequently, it sometimes turning into long conversations, and I IM with three friends, at least with one once a day. That and a once a month teleconference meeting with my volunteer group adds up to about the same amount of time, although sometimes it's more, depending on whether my friends feel like talking more often or for longer. Plus, I get comments on my blog, which although not interactive still feels comforting and like I have people nearby to turn to.

I used to feel very lonely because of all this solitude; and I have had varying amounts of it, too. But lately it doesn't bother me except once in a while. Perhaps it means I'm more accustomed to being alone now. Perhaps it means that this amount of interaction is enough to get my needs met. Certainly once I've had a lot more interaction, such as when I go visit friends and am surrounded by people for long amounts of time, I have to rest when I come home. Unfortunately, I think that this reaction is a result of my being so much alone. I have become less tolerant of social interaction as an introvert with little to keep my social muscles strong. It's not a good thing for an introvert to spend too little time with people anymore than it's a good thing for her to spend too much time. If I went to a job even a couple of times a week it would help build up my people-tolerance. Going to the mall a couple of times a week might help, too, but that would be just a little too much, given that it is now December and the Christmas shopping frenzy has begun.