It took me a long time to accept that I will have to be on medication for my mental health for the rest of my life. At first, I was sure that I only needed it for a little while, until I got control over my moods, until I stopped being depressed or anxious. Then, when my psychs started talking to me more specifically about brain chemistry, I thought maybe I'd just need to be on the right medicine for long enough to "fix" my brain chemistry, then the depression and anxiety would go away.
I now understand and accept that my brain chemistry is messed up, that it has been messed up for most of my life, and that the only thing that can help me develop and maintain some semblance of healthy brain chemistry is medication. Doesn't mean I like it, though. And I'm willing to bet money that the medications I'm on today are not the medications I'll be on five years from now, because for my brain chemistry problems it seems that the scientists haven't even stuck with the same diagnosis for five years, much less the same medications.
Of course, what that means is that I'm probably going to continue to struggle with my brain, that I won't be able to develop a stable balance. I could be wrong. I'd like to be wrong.
I felt virtually perfect that June, before Mom was diagnosed with cancer.
So my psych and I were talking last week and got on the topic of brain chemistry. I was explaining how frustrated I am that I still need weekly therapy after 30 years of therapy, with only about three years total of not being in therapy. And I am frustrated.I just want to be healthy and happy and be able to take care of myself without virtually constant medical oversight or care. Fine, I'll take the meds. But I want to stop being plunged into deep depressions or stabbed by spikes of anxiety. I want to function and function well, all on my own. But I feel a victim of my own brain chemicals.
Showing posts with label brain chemistry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label brain chemistry. Show all posts
Monday, April 14, 2014
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Epic
Gods, I'm still swimming through murk. Maybe I need to write or immerse myself in an epic fantasy where the heroine has to fight her way through unbelievable darkness before breaking into and winning the light. I am still in Mirkwood, or Mordor or something. I don't have a magical ring or a fellowship or a Gandalf. All I have is my little, barely functioning, broken self. I do have friends, but they aren't on this journey with me and I don't know how they can help.
What tools do I have? My ability to write: this blog, my novel, my journal, anything else that comes to mind. My ability to draw: sketch, color, illustrate whatever I see or think of. Cognitive therapy skills: I'm not sure how to use them on this, but this uncertainty could simply be a symptom of the depression, not letting me see how to use a powerful tool. Exercise: which I haven't been doing but which could change my brain chemistry at least for 15 minutes at a time. Medication: I really don't want to meddle with my meds right now.
What other resources do I have? I'm persistent like a kid sister. I'm brave, when I remember to be or don't notice. I'm stronger than I think. I'm smart, or used to be at any rate. I'm imaginative, creative, and articulate, which are the swords that cut in both directions. I have an intelligent and creative therapist. I have a stable home.
What are my hindrances? Years of being depressed and anxious. Years of being sedentary to the point of motionlessness. The helplessness that comes from long-term unemployment. Lethargy. Fear. Crumbling self-confidence. Years of giving in to the depression, lethargy, and shyness. The habit of hiding. I'm so the broken hero!
In an epic, I'd have to overcome all my personal hindrances, while battling the monsters as well, to get through the dark places and win the day. The unemployment is like the thousand-foot cataract: I have no control over the people who decide whether or not to pursue me after reading my resume. I can try to paddle to shore before the water falls over the cliff; I can grab onto a passing giant bird; I can hastily manufacture a parachute. Or I can simply go over the edge in my bark canoe and hope I don't drown or smash against the rocks at the bottom.
I like metaphors. I know this sort of thing doesn't work for everyone, but my imagination has in the past helped me through difficulties in my life. Maybe my not using it much for too many years has contributed to this morass I currently inhabit.
Perhaps I have my magic sword, my wand, my string of charms, my book of spells. Now I just need to figure out how to use it, whatever it is.
What tools do I have? My ability to write: this blog, my novel, my journal, anything else that comes to mind. My ability to draw: sketch, color, illustrate whatever I see or think of. Cognitive therapy skills: I'm not sure how to use them on this, but this uncertainty could simply be a symptom of the depression, not letting me see how to use a powerful tool. Exercise: which I haven't been doing but which could change my brain chemistry at least for 15 minutes at a time. Medication: I really don't want to meddle with my meds right now.
What other resources do I have? I'm persistent like a kid sister. I'm brave, when I remember to be or don't notice. I'm stronger than I think. I'm smart, or used to be at any rate. I'm imaginative, creative, and articulate, which are the swords that cut in both directions. I have an intelligent and creative therapist. I have a stable home.
What are my hindrances? Years of being depressed and anxious. Years of being sedentary to the point of motionlessness. The helplessness that comes from long-term unemployment. Lethargy. Fear. Crumbling self-confidence. Years of giving in to the depression, lethargy, and shyness. The habit of hiding. I'm so the broken hero!
In an epic, I'd have to overcome all my personal hindrances, while battling the monsters as well, to get through the dark places and win the day. The unemployment is like the thousand-foot cataract: I have no control over the people who decide whether or not to pursue me after reading my resume. I can try to paddle to shore before the water falls over the cliff; I can grab onto a passing giant bird; I can hastily manufacture a parachute. Or I can simply go over the edge in my bark canoe and hope I don't drown or smash against the rocks at the bottom.
I like metaphors. I know this sort of thing doesn't work for everyone, but my imagination has in the past helped me through difficulties in my life. Maybe my not using it much for too many years has contributed to this morass I currently inhabit.
Perhaps I have my magic sword, my wand, my string of charms, my book of spells. Now I just need to figure out how to use it, whatever it is.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Amazing, aka Great Things
[Note: I don't normally put another post up so quickly after a big post like yesterday's, but this one needs to go up and I don't want to wait. And there are lots of italics and all caps, so be warned. And yes, others have told me; I had to see it myself.]
This journaling-in-the-morning thing is so cool! This morning I woke up after 6 hours or a little more and decided to write for a bit before going back to sleep. I didn't end up going back to sleep. The journaling brought me to such an amazing place.
At first, all I could think of writing about was the changes in my medications. That led to thoughts about managing my brain chemistry and a wonderful vision of an orange-robed monk on top of a terrifyingly high, narrow cliff. He was sitting cross-legged, his hands dangling loosely over his knees, his eyes closed, and a wide, serene smile on his face. Every line of his body and face spoke of serenity and peace. And while I know that it's easier to achieve such things when you are not in the world, certainly exceptional people like the Dalai Lama and Thich Naht Hanh are able to be serene and peaceful while interacting with the world at large. I figure I should be able to achieve some level of serenity and peace and have in fact achieved them at times in my life. I want them again.
So I explored what might help me manage my brain chemistry other than drugs: meditation, exercise, visualizing happy things, visualizing actually changing the chemistry. Diet would probably help, too: Sabine read something about how anti-inflammatory diets can reduce depression in women by a significant amount (30%? 40%?), or in a significant amount of women. Today she began researching such diets and ran across articles about a local woman who has developed such a diet and who gives classes about the diet. Honestly, the classes seem to be long-drawn out lectures, one a week for five weeks, explaining the science behind the diet. Given that she's also written a book, I'm pretty sure we will be able to get everything we need out of the book, without paying the $180 per person to take the class. And, basically, it's just another version of the Mediterranean diet, so it's just another reminder of what healthy eating consists of.
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| Finding treasures comes from looking |
At first, all I could think of writing about was the changes in my medications. That led to thoughts about managing my brain chemistry and a wonderful vision of an orange-robed monk on top of a terrifyingly high, narrow cliff. He was sitting cross-legged, his hands dangling loosely over his knees, his eyes closed, and a wide, serene smile on his face. Every line of his body and face spoke of serenity and peace. And while I know that it's easier to achieve such things when you are not in the world, certainly exceptional people like the Dalai Lama and Thich Naht Hanh are able to be serene and peaceful while interacting with the world at large. I figure I should be able to achieve some level of serenity and peace and have in fact achieved them at times in my life. I want them again.
So I explored what might help me manage my brain chemistry other than drugs: meditation, exercise, visualizing happy things, visualizing actually changing the chemistry. Diet would probably help, too: Sabine read something about how anti-inflammatory diets can reduce depression in women by a significant amount (30%? 40%?), or in a significant amount of women. Today she began researching such diets and ran across articles about a local woman who has developed such a diet and who gives classes about the diet. Honestly, the classes seem to be long-drawn out lectures, one a week for five weeks, explaining the science behind the diet. Given that she's also written a book, I'm pretty sure we will be able to get everything we need out of the book, without paying the $180 per person to take the class. And, basically, it's just another version of the Mediterranean diet, so it's just another reminder of what healthy eating consists of.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Fix the Brain, Not the Body
I went to the rheumatologist today to do three things: 1) get set up with a new doctor, 2) talk about adjusting my main medication, and 3) ask about the current knowledge regarding fibromyalgia.
I like this doctor. He asked a lot of probing questions, such as "if you think you are having problems with mental acuity, why are you here rather than seeing a neurologist" and "who told you that the gabapentin might be causing such a problem." I figured these were good questions because firstly, I never even considered seeing a neurologist because the lack of mental acuity has gone on for so long (although it seems to have been getting worse, but then the last few years have been extra stressful) and I haven't seen any other odd neurological signs. At least none that I'd peg as such.
As for the second question, I told him that it had been suggested by friends who are or have been on gabapentin and found that this is a possible side effect. it has also been suggested by mental healthcare providers, too.
He was curious about everything dealing with my health, including my mental health. And then he gave me great insight into his interest in my mental health (and I really should have made this cognitive leap). The current understanding is that fibro is not a body problem at all: it's a brain problem. Specifically, it's a brain chemistry problem. And that is the center of the entire fibromyalgia universe.
It's why all the currently approved meds for fibro are brain-related rather than body-related: gabapentin, and its cousin Lyrica, are originally anti-seizure meds; Cymbalta and its cousin Effexor are anti-depressants that are both serotonin and norepinephrin re-uptake inhibitors; and a final medicine that I didn't get written down in time so I've forgotten the name, is also an anti-depressant. Doctors are trying to regulate fibro and its symptoms by manipulating brain chemistry. it makes sense.
I knew already about how fibro was considered a neurological disorder rather than a joint/muscle disease, and that gabapentin was an anti-seizure medicine. The point of using it is to quiet the brain impulses or transmitters or whatever is going wonky (yes, it's a technical term; why do you ask?) in the brain.
I like this doctor. He asked a lot of probing questions, such as "if you think you are having problems with mental acuity, why are you here rather than seeing a neurologist" and "who told you that the gabapentin might be causing such a problem." I figured these were good questions because firstly, I never even considered seeing a neurologist because the lack of mental acuity has gone on for so long (although it seems to have been getting worse, but then the last few years have been extra stressful) and I haven't seen any other odd neurological signs. At least none that I'd peg as such.
As for the second question, I told him that it had been suggested by friends who are or have been on gabapentin and found that this is a possible side effect. it has also been suggested by mental healthcare providers, too.
He was curious about everything dealing with my health, including my mental health. And then he gave me great insight into his interest in my mental health (and I really should have made this cognitive leap). The current understanding is that fibro is not a body problem at all: it's a brain problem. Specifically, it's a brain chemistry problem. And that is the center of the entire fibromyalgia universe.
It's why all the currently approved meds for fibro are brain-related rather than body-related: gabapentin, and its cousin Lyrica, are originally anti-seizure meds; Cymbalta and its cousin Effexor are anti-depressants that are both serotonin and norepinephrin re-uptake inhibitors; and a final medicine that I didn't get written down in time so I've forgotten the name, is also an anti-depressant. Doctors are trying to regulate fibro and its symptoms by manipulating brain chemistry. it makes sense.
I knew already about how fibro was considered a neurological disorder rather than a joint/muscle disease, and that gabapentin was an anti-seizure medicine. The point of using it is to quiet the brain impulses or transmitters or whatever is going wonky (yes, it's a technical term; why do you ask?) in the brain.
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