What do I want from friends and friendship, in general and in specific? That could tell me what I feel I'm missing in my life, and it could inform my casual search for friends. (I don't intend to make an impassioned, active search for friends right now, partly because it sounds kinda scary and stalkerish and partly because it sounds like it would involve the part of me that probably scared off potential friends in the past.)
I already have some of what I want; I'm just listing all my wants, even if I have some of them. And hopefully there is or will be overlap among these friends.
- I want close friends with whom I can talk about anything and everything. Someone to share the good and bad times with. Someone I could cry on (and let me tell you, I don't cry in front of people easily) and who would cry on me if necessary.
- I want friends to do things with, to have fun with. Someone to go to a museum or the zoo with, someone to play card games and board games with, even the twisted games like Cards Against Humanity. Friends who have time for me and like to spend time with me.
- I want friends who get my sense of humor and at least some of my references, including the role-playing-game and H.P. Lovecraft references. I make jokes that include these things with some frequency and it would be nice to not get the blank look. I want friends who will sincerely laugh at my jokes.
- I want friends who will accept the less-acceptable side of me, the side that I don't talk about even on this blog, the darker side of me, I guess.
- I want a two-way street: give and take in both directions. Friends who will let me do things for them when they need it and who will do things for me when I need it.
That seems pretty comprehensive to me. Isn't this what most people want from friends? Or is my list oddly different from other people's? How is your list of friends you have or want different from mine? How is it the same?
This sounds like a pretty reasonable list to me, actually.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I fit at least a few of these requirements...although I don't know much about Lovecraft :-)
That's okay; I'll let you slide on the Lovecraft item. It's a pretty specialized item anyway. :) And I'm glad you fit more than a few of my wants, too.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely sounds reasonable. My only differences would be - I would want friends to understand my references but they wouldn't be Lovecraft references - and I don't enjoy games.
ReplyDeleteNot many people have the Lovecraft references, but a few do. You don't play games? What do you like to do with other people for fun? I still enjoy playing games of my childhood, like Sorry, which my mom, grandma, and I played and enjoyed the heck out of as adults. It's more fun to play cutthroat when you aren't going to make children cry.
DeleteI'm with J,J,J - I don't like games much either.
ReplyDeleteThe friends list seems reasonable. The thing is you can't expect something from people that they don't have to give. And not everyone has that much to give. It occurs to me that this list is all about what you expect from them but not what they should expect from you. Can you be friends with someone you disagree with, say, politically? If you like different music? Can you accept and embrace someone for what it is they do have to offer you and not for what they don't?
I'm not meaning to be critical of you with these questions at all. I'm just trying to add some perspective, if that makes sense.
I suppose my list does say "I want" a lot. I should have added "I want to give" in a relationship. I have friends with different political and religious beliefs from me. As long as we can talk about them and agree to disagree, it works just fine. As for different music, that means I get to learn about new music. As a matter of fact, my musical tastes were given greater range by a good friend of mine back in Oregon, who listens to everything. I certainly don't expect to get everything from any single friend or even a partner. As for what someone can expect to get from me, well, whatever we can find that they want that I have. Sometimes it's a real surprise. I love to give and have problems sometimes setting boundaries on myself, or at least I used to. I don't know about now, things have changed so much.
DeleteI didn't take the questions as criticism. They made sense given what I wrote. Perspective is always useful. I'm glad you cared enough to point out what I didn't say. :)
I was reading someone else's blog (Vicki Lane - author) and she was recently in rehab for knee surgery and one of the people working there was newly divorced and trying to figure out how to get through the holidays newly single. Much of the advice that people wrote in was that she needed to be able to feel complete in herself before embarking on another relationship. I think this is also true in friendships and so all the very hard but very productive work you are doing on yourself in therapy will allow you to have better friendships. Healthier people have healthier relationships and you are certainly becoming healthier. Im reading what I just wrote and damn but it sounds condescending. I don't mean to be. I've been through therapy and I know how hard it is so I see you as someone with an enormous amount of courage and strength with a great deal to give in a friendship.
ReplyDeleteI think you are right about the friendship thing being like not embarking on a new relationship until I'm comfortable and happy with myself. I will add and until I'm comfortable with myself in terms of relationships. I still feel hesitant in places with all my relationships; I need to reach places of comfort and stability I think, because the hesitancy is all in me. I just don't feel like people will really stay being my friend, especially if I bother them or they see the real me. So that's what the therapy will likely target.
DeleteI thank you for your words about courage and strength and all. It's hard for me to see it, but I will believe you because you have been honest with me so far. :)