Lingering Effects

People say you shouldn't live in the past, and I agree with that. What I don't agree with is when people say "you shouldn't let what happened in the past affect you now." 

It's not like it's a choice. Past traumas have to be dealt with and processed before you can move on. Some people are lucky enough to have done that processing back when the trauma happened. Others of us were a little overflowing in the trauma department and are still working on processing old traumas.

For example, my discussions of connections and friendship with my therapist. This week we were just chatting at first and we got on the topic of my rosacea, which is doing the best it's ever done. It's mostly pink with some light red areas. Before I had laser treatment on it in 2007 (thanks, Mom!), it was pretty much the color of a fire truck in bright sunlight, and was that way since I was 12 or 13. 

That took us into a discussion of the effects the rosacea had on me in junior high and much of the rest of my life, because people ALWAYS commented on it, asking if I'd been out in the sun and gotten a sunburn, offering home remedy suggestions, and, in junior high, being total asshats about it, pointing it out, calling me names, and in general picking on me to an extreme extent. Yes, I was that kid, the one who everyone picked on and put down so as to not be the lowest person on the totem pole. 

I also think my rosacea contributed in part to my lack of romantic success: it made me stand out in a non-attractive way and men are very visual creatures. As a couple of friends said when we talked about my face over the years, they noticed the red a lot until we became good friends. Then they never noticed it again. So a guy would have had to become friends with me to even get past the redness of my face, I imagine. But no, I'm not going to blame the rosacea entirely for my eternal singlehood: I just think it was a contributing factor both as being visually off-putting to others (people are still more attracted to attractive individuals) and developing in me a hesitancy and a defensive manner toward others.

Old traumas become sticky and knotted and interwoven in so many ways. Rosacea and junior high cruelty and too much embarrassing attention turning into defensiveness and a lack of trust. That tied into earlier traumas that had already created defensiveness and a lack of trust. And I was young for all of these traumas, so I developed a confusion about why these things happened to me. I didn't know if I'd done something wrong that I hadn't been aware of. I developed a lack of trust in my own ability to read people and social cues. I developed a great deal of shame.

Which leaves me, in my early 50s, wondering if I can somehow learn at this late age how to read people and how to perceive and interpret social cues (I'm really not so good on subtlety). Even my therapist isn't sure about that: she doesn't happen to have any how-to books for this subject on hand, although she thinks such books would be good to have!

Old issues resonate throughout one's life until thoroughly processed and handled, and they can still resurface unexpectedly. We are never completely free of our past: it has made us who we are today. To fully love and accept myself, I cannot look at my past and disavow it. I can dislike and be sad about parts of it, but I cannot say "this never happened" or "this has no effect on me" because that would be a lie and it would diminish who I am. I am someone who has come through numerous traumas and challenges, who has survived and even at times thrived (and who is thriving now). 

I do not hold onto the past. But the past is within me and it affects the way I live and view my life. Only by dealing with my past hurts in effective ways can I adjust the effects upon and the lens through which I view my life.