On my previous post, a couple of commenters talked about how there are different kinds and levels of friendships. Another commenter talked about how some of her friends were not what she expected. Those comments got me thinking about expectations I have had for friends in the past and that I have now.
The people I'm used to having as friends are introverts with a background in reading science fiction and fantasy or playing role-playing games, but not the folks who like to live it such as the LARPers (Live-Action Role Players) or who spend all their free time in the Society for Creative Anachronism. People who were moderate in their love of the non-conformist and the out of this world. People like me, in other words. So I am guilty of dismissing many people as possible friends. In my defense, I have friends who do not fulfill all those aspects and have a couple of good friends who fulfill none of them.
I have some casual friends here in Houston with whom I have had the occasional lunch who are completely different from the people I am used to having as friends: they are successful businesspeople, extroverts who don't know what the word "shy" means and who are in some way or another driven — their work takes up so much of their time and any other aspects of their lives they are similarly passionate about, thus having little time for lunches out. I like them, but they know only the one aspect of me and wouldn't know what to do with the me who enjoys playing Cards Against Humanity (dark, twisted fun for the right people). If I hadn't gotten to know them through a volunteer group, I would probably never have met them. Knowing them and seeing them rarely feels like I don't know them at all and is part of my feeling solitary here. I like to have friends who want to see me at least every couple of weeks or so for lunch or dinner or just spending time together.
That's where we come to the different kinds and levels of friendship that I have difficulties with. All my life I have wanted those friendships that are super-close, the ones you read about or see in movies where two or three or four girls are best friends and do everything together, the kinds of friendships where there is a casual physical affection, the kind that take a whole heart. I am intense and somewhat possessive. I want my friends to be My Friends. Sure they can have other friends, but I want their feelings for me to mirror my feelings for them. I suppose that could work if I allowed for different kinds and levels of friends, rather than the soulmate kind of friends. I'm not sure how the in-person friends I do have handle that. My BFF, who is a guy, is also kind of intense and he is truly comfortable and trusting of me. He isn't completely open with others. So it works for us, as much as I've wanted to occasionally murder him in the distant past. I think my two best girlfriends back in the PNW are just very accepting of me because I don't think either of them is as intensely crazy about me as I am about them. But they do love me and they are basically family to me now. And a couple of other friends are like I am about friends: emotional, intense, and somewhat possessive.
What would or do you choose? More friends of all kinds so you always have company when you want, or only soul-kin friends so you end up being alone more? Is there another way that I'm not seeing?
We should be able to have a conversation about this. Check back after you've commented, if you don't already. Other people have interesting things to say (see On Making Friends) and I try to respond to everyone's comments. You might find that another commenter sparks a new idea in you that you'd like to share.
The friendship between the women was the reason I watched Sex in the city. And I've read about friendships like that in books, too.
ReplyDeleteI sometimes wonder if I have aspergers or something because mostly I don't miss friends. But that would probably change if I didn't have cyber friends.
I sometimes wonder if i have aspergers because I'm so awkward with people and I miss out on social cues a lot. I don't see subtle.
DeleteCyber friends do make a huge difference, don't they?
When I was younger, I had mostly guy friends--not sure why, just more comfortable with men than with women. Now that I am in my early 50's I have one really close guy friend and lots of lovely women pals, from their 30's to their 60's. Because I have my toes in a few different ponds, I have a kinda-strange variety: artists & crafters (from the shop I've been running for 13 years), witches & pagans (there is a bit of overlap there), writers (online and not), a few healers, and a few treasured friends who have been in my life for years. As someone who was mostly friendless as a child, and had few friends as a young adult, I find this to be an embarrassment of riches and a true blessing.
ReplyDeleteI've always had guy friends and I treasure them. Through the years my male to female friend ratio has varied a lot. Right now, due to my online friends, I have vastly more women friends.
DeleteI think it's very cool that you have such a variety of friends. I'm glad you have so many treasures. Do you find that you make friends more easily now, or is it more proximity (of interests) that has brought these friends?
I've read other people write about friends before, and I have trouble relating. I've never gone in search of friends, or partners either, for that matter. They've just appeared or, they haven't. It just isn't something I have ever spent any time thinking about.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, losing one of my very best, oldest and dearest, friends this past year has been hideously difficult. She left a massive hole, which can NOT be filled.
On the other hand, I am thrilled to have such a vast and glorious "family" of on-line friends!
I didn't worry too much about finding friends when I was younger because I had a group, even if they weren't such great friends. Then I chucked them and had considerably fewer friends. I haven't had the kind of life where partners or friends just appear; I've had to grab them or work for them. I didn't have my beloved appear when I was 19. ;)
DeleteHoles left by loved ones can never be filled. You just fill your life with love and eventually the hole seems smaller and less painful.
My online friends are what keep me going sometimes. I feel very blessed by them/you all.
I moved to the US from the other side of the planet, and for years couldn't figure out "how to make friends". Eventually, I gave up, and decided that I must just be destined not to have any. Instead, I decided that at the very least I should find activity partners -- people I could get along with well enough that I didn't immediately want to kill them. I might never have close friends again, but at least I would always have company on my adventures.
ReplyDeleteOf course, after a few years of having the same companions show up over and over again for the adventure-du-jour, I was forced to conclude that some of them were actually turning into friends.
It made me realize that either I truly don't know what I want in a friend; or that I change over time and people that I don't view as friendship material eventually are sculpted into such by their changes or mine; or that I come to trust people so slowly that it takes years before I trust that they want to stay in my life for a while.
I guess my vote is kind of mixed. More friends of different levels, but only people I truly enjoy, and always a view that we're working towards being as much as we can to each other. If that's a friend-of-the-moment that I only see twice a year, but they are enjoyable in that limited sense, then that is what they are to me. And if over time, that twice-a-year becomes more, then that is good as well.
I like what you say in your last paragraph. That's a good way to look at friendship. And I also have trust difficulties with friends, tied up with a desperation to have friends, which makes it kind of sticky.
ReplyDelete