I'm in the living room at my friend's house and it's almost entirely silent. Girl child went to a friend's house. Boy child and dad went to boy child's bagpipe lesson. Mom is taking a nap. And the animals appear to be napping as well. I feel entirely alone and at peace with the lit Christmas tree and the mantel lights and the Santas and nutcrackers and snowmen.
It's been a wonderful holiday so far. Knowing that I am wanted makes me light up inside, even though I am tired (my hips hit right at the middle bar on the cot and I am unused to being around people 24/7). It's gray outside and quite cold and has rained off and on, but I'm handling it. (The silk long underwear helps a lot!)
It is nice being in places that are familiar and knowing that I could get around on my own fairly easily (in spite of all the changes here and there over the past 12 1/2 years).
The fact that it's in the 70s in Houston is a nice thought, but the extreme heat started there so early this year and has continued so late. I stayed indoors much of this past year because of stress and because I was afraid the weather would hurt me.
I have been afraid that the local cold weather would hurt me, too, but today, with my silks on underneath my jeans and my thin fleece pullover, with wool-blend socks on my feet and my wool winter coat covering me from shoulder to mid-thigh, with my gloves on my hands, I managed a family walk down the hill to Starbucks and the walk back up the hill and was actually feeling warm before we got to the house. So the cold weather has made me feel cold when I was slightly underdressed, but it has not hurt me. (But I might feel differently if it were snowy or icy.)
I'm feeling peaceful right now. I don't feel the need to make any decisions or to rationalize any potential decisions to myself or others. I am simply relaxing on the couch, drinking hot tea with milk, and typing on my laptop.
I have been having so much fun, have been talking and laughing a great deal, and have listened and observed, all with great joy and contentment. Now I feel the contentment of the peace and quiet of this lull in the holiday and my visit.
Regarding thoughts of moving to Seattle, my friends have assured me they would have or make time for me in their lives. They miss me and would love to have me move back here, as long as I was happy. This is very comforting. I still have a lot of thinking to do, and a lot of research into jobs and rents etc., and a lot of talking with my therapist. But I feel better able to be able to judge the Seattle side of the equation.
Now I think I'm going to watch the lights of the tree and feel the warmth of the encompassing happiness my hosts have shown over having me share this holiday with them.
I hope your holidays were joyous and warm as well.
Sounds like a really good space to be in physically, emotionally and mentally.
ReplyDeleteIt is a good space. I make myself crazy when I think about trying to make a decision, but if I let that go and just enjoy the experience it's a good thing.
DeleteWhat a lovely post, reading you write about feeling peaceful and happy and having fun makes me feel all warm and fuzzy! I was doing well until last night when the press of 15 people started wearing on me. But half are leaving today and that includes the most abrasive ones of the group so it shall improve.
ReplyDeleteFifteen people?! Yeah, that would definitely make me crazy. I'm glad it's improving! And I'm glad you feel warm and fuzzy about my story. That's one of the good things about sharing. Take care!
DeleteI love reading about your peaceful time, Skye. I'm having one of my own: me, the two cats, my laptop, and a ton of books.
ReplyDeleteOh how wonderful! I'm so glad you made a space to enjoy the location and company without pressuring yourself one way or the other. I loved reading this and thinking of you beside the twinkling lights in a spot of well earned quietude. XOXO
ReplyDelete"Knowing that I am wanted makes me light up inside"
ReplyDelete:-) Important to most of us, but definitely a real theme in your posts these last couple years.
Merry Christmas, Happy New Year!
While I have achieved a good amount of contentment with my life and myself, even with my solitude, I prefer to be around people who I love and who love me. My family was extremely important to me and being entirely without them is like having a huge, dark, empty cavern inside of me. Having these friends who care and who want me near goes a long way toward lighting and lessening that cavern. Love and being wanted fills my soul the way good food fills my stomach, leaving me feeling satisfied and peaceful.
DeleteSo why is the decision making you crazy? Are there some dire consequences I'm unaware of?
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you had a good time.
The decision is making me crazy because I tend to view decisions as between the right thing and the wrong thing and I don't want to make a "wrong" decision. And because what if I make a decision and then hate what I chose? What if I return to Seattle and after a few months cannot stand it?
DeleteActually, I'm so anxious about this that they both feel like wrong decisions and I cannot think of what would be the right one.
Happy New Year, Skye. Here's to a wonderful 2013. Since I began reading your blog, I've been impressed by the thoughtful care and dedication you've put toward your well being. You've come a long way and know how to get help when you need it. It sure feels to me like you'll be able to process the choices ahead of you and deal with any change in healthy ways. Go, you!
ReplyDelete