Nope, this post is not by Tawna Fenske and I haven't taken to writing innuendo on my blog (although if I had her mind and her talent I totally would).
This post is about the hard decisions and how to make them. It's specifically about one decision that has come to completely occupy my mind.
I've become more and more compelled lately to consider whether to stay in Houston or move back to Seattle. There are so many things to consider and the two places are so different that trying to decide how to decide has been making me crazy. So I brought it up in therapy today.
I've been considering this decision casually for much of the year, but wasn't serious because my therapy and my therapist have been too important to me to let go. But as I have begun meeting goals and getting increasingly more healthy, the decision has begun to take on weight.
One of what I consider the downsides to being single is when I have to or choose to make big decisions. I like being able to choose a paint color for a room on my own, but it would be nice to have someone to share in the big decisions, someone who had a stake in the decision, someone to bounce ideas back and forth with, and someone for backup. A decision like where to live is huge and hard to make on my own. So I think it will be a topic of conversation in therapy, as well as how to make big decisions in general, for the next several sessions (which won't start again until January).
Just to start with, my therapist proposed I start thinking about what nourishes me most. Is it sunlight and warmth, or is it relationships? Can I adapt to the cold and dark again to be close to good friends, or can I live with the possibility of not having such close friends where I live yet can grow citrus trees in my backyard, when I get a backyard? Either place I live, I will need more friends and will have to approach finding them intentionally. I do have some good friends up north, but they cannot do it all for me; I'll need a few more to meet my socialization needs, but the ones I find in the north can be more casual types of friends while down here in Houston I'd still be looking for close friends with whom I can spend significant time together.
I think I've had a bit more focused anxiety worrying over wanting to make this decision. I have a stomach ache and have had one since we started talking about it in therapy. But I need to remind myself of what my therapist said at the end of the session. Whichever place I choose, I'll be able to adapt and be happy. I have developed my center within myself, and contentment with myself outside of what my environment is like. So this decision isn't a matter of which place is the "right" place for me; neither is a right decision or a wrong decision.
Whichever place I choose to live in, I will be fine and content. I will be at home.
Making deep friendships is hard no matter where you live, so if it were up to me, I'd leave that out of the equation. I'd concentrate on the other factors and weigh those pros and cons. I don't say this lightly, because for about six months I wrestled with the concept of moving back to Los Angeles. For the moment I'm staying put because this place works for me, it has the right amount of privacy, acquaintances, and removal from family drama and I can sink into my writerly life without excuse. I realized I would gain more friends in L.A. but would also give up a lot of valuable writing time.
ReplyDeleteAnd that's what my therapist would refer to as choosing what nourishes you. You choose being able to "sink into [your] writerly life." I have to decide what makes my life the most nourishing and well-filling to me.
DeleteGrowing up we moved before 4th grade (DC to CT), in the middle of 6th grade (CT to WI), and after sophomore year (WI to SC), then I went to school in Boston, spent a year in Indiana at grad school, moved to NJ. In each of those places I had problems of one sort or another, but in each of those places I found friends and things to enjoy and appreciate. What I'm saying is, if you are happy within yourself, you can find happiness just about anywhere. There are, of course, issues to keep in mind. If you have SAD, for instance, places with long, dark winters will be difficult. If you're like me and hate hot, hot weather, that removes an entire swath of country. But even so, if we needed to move south for some reason, I do know that I could make it work and be happy.
ReplyDeleteWow, that's a lot of moving! We stayed in one place until I was 16 and we moved 1100 miles away. It broke my heart. I like to be rooted. Of course, I also have commitment issues, which tend to work out along the lines of the home I live in. But I would very much like to be rooted.
DeleteI do have SAD, and I have a light box. Trading light and warmth for dark and cold is a huge deal and one I have to think carefully about. But I have come to the point where I know I can be content anywhere, where I now carry my sense of home within myself. But there are some huge trade-offs. I'm just trying to find a place that gives me more of what I need most, whether that's friends who are my family or sunlight and warmth.
I guess my life right now makes it obvious where my current priorities are. I live in a place where I have to stay indoors because of health issues. Something that comes foreign to me. I live in a place where my values are in direct contrast to those around me. So why do I live here? Family. No other reason.
ReplyDeleteFamily is a good reason to live in a place. I moved to the Oregon Coast due to both a love of the beach and because my family all lived there at that time. I left because there was no work and I had no friends outside of my family. Would I have stayed if there had been work? I don't know. I do know I was bored out of my mind (outside of beach walks).
DeleteWhere I live now, the people are nice and the weather is nice most of the year. Summer is hell and makes me afraid of going outside. I hate the roaches (especially the big tree roaches that keep getting inside my house) and all the other insects. I feel a bit intimidated by the large number of poisonous creatures here, but haven't encountered more than just one snake. I'm intimidated by the people who believe different things politically than me because of their very violent reactions to a different opinion (the same may be true for social and religious differences, I don't know because I've played it safe since the first time). I have found people with some similar beliefs to mine and some people who are simply tolerant of different beliefs, but don't get to spend much time with them.
I have to wonder if cultural similarities and what I have of "family" would make up for dreadful weather. I don't have any clear cut points like you have because they are not kids and grandkids, they are close friends and not likely to spend as much time with me as I hope your kids and grandkids spend with you.
What defines "home"?
ReplyDelete"I have developed my center within myself, and contentment with myself outside of what my environment is like." Well, that's the stuff alright. ;-)
ReplyDeleteAre there any "micro climates" around Seattle where it's a bit sunnier. My mother lives in Vancouver, but in her actual area (Richmond) the weather's usually better than the rest of the city. Same with my parents here in Nanaimo. Anyway... something to look into maybe. Of course, the state of the job market in Seattle will matter too. And the cost of moving.
I'm gonna go ahead and do the forbidden: Give an actual opinion. (!!) It's never seemed like you've really felt at home in Texas. You don't seem settled. Or strongly inclined to settle. And the desire for close, in-person friendships has definitely been a strong theme. But I do agree with staying there til you feel ready to move on from that therapist, cause she's certainly been a big help! :-)
Anyway... I'm just so glad to see you slowly moving out of the Depths of Despair.