So What's Been Goin' On?

Well, I've been thinking. I've been zoning out. I've been getting very few  hours of sleep a night — still — and wondering why. And the past couple of days I've been playing with the cool new toy Sabine bought me: an iPad mini. She said we all needed tablets, so she bought Griffin an android tablet of his choice and now she's seeing what about each of ours she likes so she can decide among all the choices for herself.

I also applied for six jobs yesterday. They say you need to apply for 100 jobs to find one. If I do, say, 5 a day for the rest of the month, I'll be set! Of course, I missed today. And I get very distracted by my housemates sometimes, especially since Sabine has retired.

I made a schedule of my daily routine needs. It will work, if I can get to sleep by 11, stay asleep all night, and get up at 7. Big 'ifs'.

My creativity seems to be in the bottom of the sink right now. I've been crocheting my brains out and showing some creativity there, but then I look at stuff people have made up that's on Pinterest or Ravelry and think "why don't I do that? I'm so dull!" The crocheting has left no time for other creative work (writing, drawing) or reading. But it is satisfying because I am creating tangible, useful, beautiful things for other people and that is one of my languages of love. Actually, two I guess: gifts and service.

I talked with my therapist about the rebound effect I experienced for the couple of days following my last post. We talked a bit about it being one of my patterns and how it seems related to how I withdraw after feeling a strong emotion — for example, after I have a cry or even a big emotional event, I then pull back and am distant and detached for a while, hours to days. I think maybe that's what I've supposed to have been thinking about and working on since Wednesday, but I forgot and it's upstairs in my journal and I don't feel like going up and checking it out. Right now I'm not feeling amazing and I don't feel like I'm doing Great Things, but I at least still believe I am and I can, even if not right now.

Garden of Solitude

I am alone a lot, and by "a lot" I mean virtually all the time. I have Monday therapy, followed by a walk in the park and grocery shopping. About twice a month I have lunch with one friend and now perhaps once a month I'll be having lunch with another friend. And once a month an in-person meeting with the members of my volunteer group. That's about eight hours a month that I spend in-person with other people. 

I also have a weekly Castle-TV-watching-and-chat session with two girlfriends. I text with two friends quite frequently, it sometimes turning into long conversations, and I IM with three friends, at least with one once a day. That and a once a month teleconference meeting with my volunteer group adds up to about the same amount of time, although sometimes it's more, depending on whether my friends feel like talking more often or for longer. Plus, I get comments on my blog, which although not interactive still feels comforting and like I have people nearby to turn to.

I used to feel very lonely because of all this solitude; and I have had varying amounts of it, too. But lately it doesn't bother me except once in a while. Perhaps it means I'm more accustomed to being alone now. Perhaps it means that this amount of interaction is enough to get my needs met. Certainly once I've had a lot more interaction, such as when I go visit friends and am surrounded by people for long amounts of time, I have to rest when I come home. Unfortunately, I think that this reaction is a result of my being so much alone. I have become less tolerant of social interaction as an introvert with little to keep my social muscles strong. It's not a good thing for an introvert to spend too little time with people anymore than it's a good thing for her to spend too much time. If I went to a job even a couple of times a week it would help build up my people-tolerance. Going to the mall a couple of times a week might help, too, but that would be just a little too much, given that it is now December and the Christmas shopping frenzy has begun.

Alone in a Crowd

I'm not where I said I'd be tonight. Instead of being at a very large event for a birthday party, I am sitting at home. 

Why am I sitting at home? Well, two reasons, and then a third, which I just figured out. The first two are my introversion and my fibromyalgia. I'd worked through my introversion and decided I would go because I know a handful of folks who will be there. I figured I had that one beat. But maybe not, because my fibro flared up today, all along my left side, down my back to my ankle. Coincidentally (?), it is my left arm that I decorated with the temporary tattoo that came with the invitation (a cool brush-stroke dragon with a heart inside). Most likely, the stress of contemplating this event kicked up my fibro.

The third reason is related to my introversion: I am tired of going to big events alone. Generally, if I go alone to these things, even if I know several people, I still end up wandering around alone while others are with their significant others, their particularly good friends, and so on. I either play tag-along and feel awkward or I stand or sit uncomfortably and watch everyone else go by. I realized this after I decided not to go (and I'm waiting for the fibro to unflare but it hasn't gotten the memo yet).

There isn't anyone at this soiree who I have socialized with much if at all — most I know through my volunteer work. I would like to get to know them better, but it won't happen at an event like this. Most of them either have kids and will be staying close to the children's activities, or they are older and very outgoing and will be talking to dozens of different people as they mingle.

And I, outgoing only under very specific circumstances (and these are not those circumstances), would be wandering on my own, or having those quick little chats with those few people I know before they saw someone else they know that they haven't seen in ages and have to go talk to.

It comes down to the fact that I don't have a good time at large parties where I know few people and I don't have anyone of my own there with me. So I'm going to stop saying "yes" to such events because I hate working myself into such a state that my body has to step in and say "now you can't go" before I'll allow myself to stay home.

I'm not going to become a complete hermit. I'll still go to some professional networking meetings. I'll even go to smaller events where I know several people. But as of now I am giving myself permission to skip the big events that offer no enjoyment to me. I no longer have to think about my decision, which simplifies my life some (I don't get invited to too many of these things). And not having to think about my decision validates my sense of what is right for me. 

I hope everyone else at the party, which started about 20 minutes ago, has a very good time, and my birthday wishes go out to Donna who turns 60. She sure as hell knows how to age well!