Christmas Memories: Sadness and Joy

I always loved Christmas while growing up because it was a big deal to us as a family gathering, both immediate and extended. For the first 11 years of my life, we got together with my dad's family on Christmas Eve, even at immense inconvenience to other family members, to open presents after midnight when my grandfather arrived from closing up the movie theater he managed. After that, the younger siblings (my dad's generation) rose up in protest and we began having our gatherings at a more suitable day and time and took to drawing names instead of giving gifts to everyone, another hardship on the younger families. Even with all the craziness and sometimes 35-40 people in a small, three-bedroom house, I loved the holidays. And Christmas morning was always just about the four of us: Mom, Dad, my little brother Jim, and me.

However, the year I was 16, we moved 1100 miles away from the town, and everyone, I’d known my entire life. At least that Christmas, it was still the four of us. Unfortunately, Dad died of a heart attack the following May (or March, I'm not sure after 35 years) and Mom insisted we stay where we were. So the Christmas I was 17, there was just Mom, Jim, and me. Mom wanted to make it something to remember as being different, so that it wouldn’t be a memory of loss — any more than it already was — but a new memory. So the three of us talked about it and decided to have lobster tail for Christmas Eve dinner! Mom had never cooked lobster of any sort before, but she asked the man at the fish counter where she bought the lobster. Jim and I made the salad and melted the butter and set the breakfast bar for our feast. We even had little glasses of wine with Mom's regular-sized glass. And it was a very fine meal! It was a nice way to start a new memory.

In addition, my brother and I were panic-stricken that there was no one to fill Mom’s stocking or give her gifts from Santa that year, so we did it. We bought small gifts for her stocking, and we went in together on a single gift for her from Santa. On Christmas morning, Mom quickly figured out who the 'elves' were who had surprised her by filling her stocking, but the look on her face when she found a package to her from 'Santa' was one of shock. I think she believed in Santa for a moment, or that an angel had reached down and given her a gift. Then she saw the smug looks on our faces and realized that her 'angels' were the two teenagers who were her anchor in this world.

By then, our extended families no longer extended. Our family was just the three of us.

Holiday Quiet

I'm in the living room at my friend's house and it's almost entirely silent. Girl child went to a friend's house. Boy child and dad went to boy child's bagpipe lesson. Mom is taking a nap. And the animals appear to be napping as well. I feel entirely alone and at peace with the lit Christmas tree and the mantel lights and the Santas and nutcrackers and snowmen.

It's been a wonderful holiday so far. Knowing that I am wanted makes me light up inside, even though I am tired (my hips hit right at the middle bar on the cot and I am unused to being around people 24/7). It's gray outside and quite cold and has rained off and on, but I'm handling it. (The silk long underwear helps a lot!)

It is nice being in places that are familiar and knowing that I could get around on my own fairly easily (in spite of all the changes here and there over the past 12 1/2 years). 

The fact that it's in the 70s in Houston is a nice thought, but the extreme heat started there so early this year and has continued so late. I stayed indoors much of this past year because of stress and because I was afraid the weather would hurt me. 

I have been afraid that the local cold weather would hurt me, too, but today, with my silks on underneath my jeans and my thin fleece pullover, with wool-blend socks on my feet and my wool winter coat covering me from shoulder to mid-thigh, with my gloves on my hands, I managed a family walk down the hill to Starbucks and the walk back up the hill and was actually feeling warm before we got to the house. So the cold weather has made me feel cold when I was slightly underdressed, but it has not hurt me. (But I might feel differently if it were snowy or icy.)

I'm feeling peaceful right now. I don't feel the need to make any decisions or to rationalize any potential decisions to myself or others. I am simply relaxing on the couch, drinking hot tea with milk, and typing on my laptop.

I have been having so much fun, have been talking and laughing a great deal, and have listened and observed, all with great joy and contentment. Now I feel the contentment of the peace and quiet of this lull in the holiday and my visit.

Regarding thoughts of moving to Seattle, my friends have assured me they would have or make time for me in their lives. They miss me and would love to have me move back here, as long as I was happy. This is very comforting. I still have a lot of thinking to do, and a lot of research into jobs and rents etc., and a lot of talking with my therapist. But I feel better able to be able to judge the Seattle side of the equation.

Now I think I'm going to watch the lights of the tree and feel the warmth of the encompassing happiness my hosts have shown over having me share this holiday with them.

I hope your holidays were joyous and warm as well.

Potential Hiatus, or End of the World

So, tomorrow I leave for my holiday trip to friends in Seattle. Yes, I can announce this on the interwebz because no one knows where I live! Well, except for those of you I sent cards to, but I'm not worried.

Because I will be visiting, I may not be blogging. In that case, there will be an approximately 9 or 10 day hiatus. If it turns out that I and any of my hosts choose to have some quiet time with our computers, I may write a post.

Then again, tomorrow is that big End of the Mayan Calendar thing that some people say is the End of the World (insert deep reverberation here). If so, the hiatus will probably be longer than 9 or 10 days but won't be my fault. No one has yet blamed me for ending the world.

I hope you all have a lovely holiday of your choice, or no holiday at all if that is your choice. I will see you again sometime after the 30th, if not sooner.

Love,

Skye

Thanks

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving today, here at my friends' house. Her parents came to it and we had several dishes to choose from, as well as a salad that only the guys ate any of because we women were too full before we remembered the salad! It was a wonderful meal and I didn't make a pig of myself. Still ended up in a food coma and had to take a nap. I'm still a bit out of it. Luckily, my friends are feeling quiet and full, so we are just hanging out on our respective computers, not feeling we need to be terribly social.

While my life has been difficult for the past couple of years (plus), there is also much to be thankful for. I have the money to live on as I job hunt. I have been gathering contacts while I've been hunting and I've got a couple of recruiters on my team now. I am open to more possibilities for work than I was previously, and even open to moving if the work pays enough and is stable enough. I'm even open to moving back to Seattle, but not quite yet. 

I am thankful for my friends from all over, most of whom I've met over the interwebz. I am lucky to have each and every one of them. I am fortunate to have so many people interested in how I'm doing, reading and commenting on my blog, emailing me, demonstrating their, and your, caring in a variety of ways. I no longer feel alone, even if I am still mostly solitary at home. Contact is just an email, a comment, an IM, or a Skype away. Or even — gasp! — a phone call. And I'm lucky in the few local friends I have, too, and with whom I can occasionally have lunch or a snack with.

Early Warning System

In just over a week, it will be my mom's birthday. I don't know yet how I feel; last year was really rough, as most of you know. I figured I'd tell people about it now, just in case, rather than waiting until the last minute.

I haven't been thinking about her any more than usual, but most of my thoughts revolve around her final couple of weeks. I still get very angry toward her doctors for not paying more attention to what we were telling them and for not asking more questions. I get angry that there was no one watching out for her on the medical end — I didn't know what questions to ask or what to say other than what I did ask and say. And yet no one paid enough attention to say, "Gee, that sounds like a lot more than just weakness from the radiation." And I feel resentful because I feel maybe she would have lasted longer if any of that had happened.

I have a few happier memories that pass by from time to time. Like how she spent her last Christmas and New Years with me here in Texas. How we stopped and shopped at Chico's one day and she bought me a bunch of new clothes for work (the pants don't fit because I put on weight while I was taking care of her and it's only now slowly starting to drop off). How we went out for a brunch buffet on Christmas morning at the Hilton on San Antonio's Riverwalk and it was amazing. How we went out to dinner close to home for New Years and had the most lovely meal.

But I have been cycling more through the bad memories, the sad memories, and the ones that make me feel guilty. I guess my feelings are on the down side — I'm just not staying very aware of the down-ness. It would explain why I've been feeling a little more negative about my long-term financial and job situation and why I've walked out of a perfectly wonderful therapy session the past couple of weeks, only to feel quite down soon after.

So I may need some help in the coming couple of weeks. Thanksgiving is and isn't a big deal; I'm not sure how I'll be affected by it this year. I've spent most of my adult Thanksgivings alone, but when I lived in Oregon I spent all of them with my family. So it's a mixed bag.

But I might need help with my perspective and my attitude and my feelings in general. I might need to reach out and hold a metaphorical hand.

The most positive things about this post are that I'm actually looking forward and planning for if things go badly for me, and I'm actually asking for help rather than just planning to push through it on my own. Progress has been made! Or, I guess I should say, I have made progress. It's more powerful. And I can use all the positive power I can get in the near future.

Thank you for whatever you can and will provide. Do you ask for help when you need it?

Home and the Holidays

Last year, I spent Christmas in a hotel room. I had dinner at The Waffle House (which makes pretty awesome, filling, way too fat for you foods, especially waffles, of course). It didn't bother me at all; it bothered everyone else a lot.

So worry not this year: my mother is coming to spend the holiday with me. Mom and I have long planned that when Gram died, Mom and I would do something different for Christmas, because the same old thing would make us miss Gram even more. This year we are spending some time in San Antonio, at the Riverwalk Plaza, the place I stayed last year in early December, before I arrived in Houston. The city et al. were just beginning to put up the holiday lights when I left to continue my journey, so I look forward to seeing the end result this year.