Well, it's been more than a month since my last post. I really didn't want to write anything, couldn't think of anything to write about. It seemed like too much effort and I really couldn't think of any reason why I should write.
Didn't write about one therapy session, even though it was interesting and my therapist came up with a great idea to try to get me moving again. But I didn't actually follow through on the idea; I just kept think "I'll do it tomorrow, it's too late to start today."
Then another therapy session came around. And I had to explain why I hadn't blogged or followed through. "It sounds like depression to me," my therapist said. Reluctantly, I was forced to agree.
I don't know why I'm depressed. I don't care why I'm depressed. I don't want to be depressed. I've done depressed and I was done with depressed. I pushed any and all thoughts that I might be even a teeny, tiny bit depressed into the furthest corners of my mind. I was not depressed, dammit!
Except that I was. And I am. And I'm so damned tired of being here again and again and again. It all seems so pointless if I'm just going to end up back in the Ol' Slough of Despond yet again.
I'm not going to hurt myself. I'm just really, really frustrated.
Even writing this post is hard, and for me, once I sit down to write one of these posts, they usually just flow out of my head and onto the screen like melted butter. This one? I've put it off and put it off — even with the threat of my dear friend Deb kicking my ass — and writing it is more like trying to chew a thick sandwich of dense bread, chunky peanut butter, and chocolate chips: too much work to even feel any pleasure from the ingredients.
I promise I will write about the cool idea my therapist came up with. Later. Right now, I just wanted to own up to my depression and get a post up. And hey, I have an appointment with a psychiatric nurse practitioner up here, one recommended by my old NP! So if we click, I will have a new therapist and med psych (all rolled into one, like the ones prior to Houston). So at least there's some good news.
Okay, that's it for now. I'll start working on the one about the cool idea. Thanks for being patient with me.
DUDE.
ReplyDeleteA) Good on you for getting this up.
but more importantly
B) SHIT this is good writing. Did you go back and reread this? Even in the slough of despond, you are a fabulous writer. Look at the images you used: thick sandwich of dense bread with chunky peanut butter was fabulous. It made me know exactly how you felt.
You need to find a way (with or without medical intervention) to drag yourself out of this. Because I want to read more of your writing, and soon :-)
Thank you. I don't think a lot about these blog posts, so maybe I don't value the writing as much. I just let it come out. I don't edit much if any most of the time. I am very glad you liked the sandwich image. I try to be as honest and accurate as I can when I write these. The fact that you think my writing is so good, that THIS writing is so good feels terrific!
DeleteI did some thinking today. Not enough. I need to do some major thinking, without derailing it with books or naps or whatever. I've avoided thinking for a while now. I promise you, I will think more so I can get out of this. Partly because you think my writing is so good and so worth it.
Wow.
Ditto on what Deb said - all of it.
DeleteSkye,
ReplyDeleteGood for you for accepting that you're going through depression again. That's a sign of strength and recovery.
Yes, depression sucketh, but it is what it is. Recognizing it is a necessary part of the process. It's ok to resent it, be pissed off and not want to deal with it - as long as you deal with it anyway.
You're too smart, vibrant, talented, and able to not put forth the effort into recovery. You can do it, Skye!
Ditto on what Mary Stella said--all of it :-)
DeleteThanks, Mary. I like this: "It's ok to resent it, be pissed off and not want to deal with it - as long as you deal with it anyway." It's definitely how I feel, but yeah, I'm dealing with it. And depression sucks out all the energy in me, just when I need the energy to deal with the damned depression.
DeleteThank you for your support and the lovely things you said. I really appreciate it all!
Isn't that the truth? Even when you can finally recognize the depression, or admit to the depression, it's too damn tiring to want to fight the depression.
DeleteMy sister struggles with depression. She lives far away, so I know she's struggling when she doesn't call or touch base with me for a while. So often, she just wants to give up and I have to tell her it's not really HER that wants to stay in bed, it's the depression. In that way I think it's similar to addiction-it just wants to suck the life out of you.
So, good on you for sitting down and owning it by exposing it, instead of it owning you. Keep going, Skye-you have so much to offer the world!
I'm curious about the cool idea your therapist came up with. :)
ReplyDeleteNext post!
DeleteHi Skye, came over from your comment on The Bloggess just to send you virtual hugs. I hope that time may hopefully, eventually, bring you some peace and happiness.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Brigid. I appreciate the virtual hugs!
DeleteShit, now I want a peanut butter sammich.
ReplyDeleteAnd THIS is the first thing you came away with? ;) But will you be adding chocolate chips or not?
DeleteSkye,
ReplyDeleteI popped over from ReFab. I've been thinking about your job situation. I'm in WA state too (Pullman) and might have a lead for you. Can I email you some deets about it? (No sales pitch!! really.)
~Therese
Yes, Therese, feel free to email me! My email (available via my profile, actually, is forteanskye@gmail.com. Thanks!
DeleteOh babe, it does sucketh large amounts of suck, doesn't it? I'm sorry. Remember that depression lies. It lies like a goddam rug. You are a wonderful, beautiful, vibrant woman who is an excellent writer and a good friend. The energy WILL return. You know it will. And hugs and FGBVs.
ReplyDeleteAnd now I want some chocolate peanut butter cups.