Death and Life

It is a matter worth noting that not once that I can remember this last week did I wish I were dead or dying. This fact is both happy and sad: happy because, hey, I didn't want to be dead, and sad because, wow, during enough other weeks I have?

Here's what I posted on the ReFab blog about this:

Some weeks, just getting through the week without having even random thoughts of how it would be easier if the Universe just casually bumped me off is a good thing. It’s not that things are rotten, just that they are hard and I’m still unemployed and I feel afraid about my future, never mind my present. So, I’m counting it as a win for this past week that I didn’t even wish I were dead, even for a moment.

Why have I felt different this past week? I have no idea. Could be we are getting somewhere in therapy (but I'm not aware of it; however, wouldn't be the first time). Could be due to the slight medication change (but we didn't start that until Wednesday and the past few days I've been kinda dizzy when I got up, so maybe the med isn't such a great thing for me). Could be the full moon (full moons make me happy). Could be, as was pointed out by responders to my comment, I know there are people who would miss me and be in pain if I died. I might as well flip a coin to decide what factor has made a change. Unless it's just a mental hiccup and I go back to occasionally thinking about how much it wouldn't hurt if I weren't alive. (Yeah, a bit of pessimism and wariness, plus discomfort about change even if it's for the better …)

Just FYI: NO! I am NOT thinking of hurting myself. Just want to be clear on that point so no one worries.

Power, Protection, and Progress

So. Therapy today was powerful. We talked about a major theme in my life: power and powerlessness, authenticity and invisibility. I came away with my mind spinning, feeling full to the brim, and feeling good. I even turned off my radio so my mind could keep resonating with what we talked about and when I got home I wrote the important bits down so I'd remember them.

It started off with me talking about the TED Talk by Amy Cuddy about body language and using it to change your own perceptions and feelings and behaviors. About the "Wonder Woman pose" that the media has played up and how to use it. (And I have used it, and Amy's other suggestions, and they seem to actually work.)

From there we went into how I diminish my own strengths and talents and accomplishments, and why I do so. I tend to have "don't look at me, I'm no threat" submissive and powerless postures: head or eyes down, shoulders hunched, arms and legs drawn in. I have often thought that I don't deserve as much space as other people, as much air as other people.

Then we went to why. Mostly self-protection, plus a lot of being squashed so much I've just given in and stayed squashed most of the time. Because of being molested, and from such a young age. Because my parents were always telling me "don't show off" (my intelligence and vocabulary), "don't brag," even while encouraging my little brother to show what an exceptional athlete he was and revolving our lives (mine included) around his sports. Because at a job I stayed at for six years (four years longer than I should have), my boss and co-workers treated me worse and worse the more authentically I lived my life and the more I threatened their world view: I both worked AND wrote (and published a story); I took a month off and went to Britain; I took six weeks off and attended a full-time writers' workshop (that you have to apply and compete for). Some people can be downright hostile if you do what they have told themselves they cannot do because that is How Things Are.

I have often in my life felt that The Universe hates me. It has seemed as if, just when my life was going particularly well, the Universe has reached out and slammed me, with moving when I was 16, with the deaths of my father and my brother and my mother, and with other things. And that has happened a lot, but there are times when I've been slammed while things were going very badly, and I'm sure there have been times when things have been going well and I haven't been slammed (I just have to remember them!).

Thinking — Not Always A Good Thing

I've been thinking, a very dangerous activity for me. When I think, small thoughts grow into bigger thoughts, which often grow into grandiose ideas and fabulous plans.

I think I'm currently at medium thoughts.

I've been thinking about what I want to write about. I have this blog. I have a professional blog that I started then stopped. I may or may not theoretically have other blogs in existence or in stand-by, if at all. But what should I do with my blogs? With my professional blog, I want to share my ideas about my profession. I want to make it a useful blog for myself and others. I want to share and grow and stretch.

For this blog, I want to explore my ideas instead of just writing them down. I want to put real thought and effort behind each post. So I've been creating a list of things to write about. I'm color-coding them so I know which blog they belong to (as if the topic isn't sufficient — I just like to color-code things).

I think that in this one I want to return to exploring the mental landscape that is in my head, which includes things I want to include in my life, things I'm just thinking about, etc. But things that are important, rather than just "I like cheese."

Two things I can think of to start with are the concept and practice of Simplicity, and the concept and Practice of Scientific Pantheism. The two of them complement each other quite well. I'm not sure if it would be better to alternate them, to cover one to the best of my ability before going on to the next, or just be random.

I'd rather not be random. I could, possibly, interweave them. Say I'm writing about Simplicity and something I say reminds me about something in SP. Well, I could cover that the next day. Does that make sense?

Well, I'm still cogitating. I know I'll come up with something interesting. But I do plan to start with Simplicity. Both my life and my mind could use a lot of it. And I may throw in some Stoic Philosophy and my own brand of Zen Buddhism (my own, barely informed, brand). I can see myself expounding upon the life and being that is Skye. That's just a warning. Just in case.

Be Like Julie

For the next 28 days, I am striving to be like my friend Julie, she who comments here regularly. Julie is the most positive and most zen person I've ever known and I could use a lot of that in my life. So I am going to follow her ways of thinking and believing and, in part, behaving (I had frosting today, Julie!), to see what effects they have on me and my moods, my world view, and my blood sugar.

These are the things that most come to mind as I approach this month (hope you don't mind, J):

1. assume the Universe is a friendly, positive place
2. assume that my Spirit chose this life and these lessons, and that my life IS about lessons
3. believe in visitations, psychic phenomena, and magick
4. be zen and don't want what I don't have, refrain from envy and jealousy 
5. be unabashedly me ... er ... her ... us ... 
6. give voice to my true self, rather than being afraid of what others might think
7. smile a lot, laugh a lot (Julie, can I borrow Dan so I can, um, ... a lot? LOL)
8. and I'm going to eat frosting

There are probably some other things I need to consider, and I'm expecting her to remind me, but the first one is probably the most important and the fourth one is probably next most important. My life does seem to be strongly affected by seeing the Universe as a frightening, malign place (hey, I have my reasons!), and by wanting so much that I do not have, cannot have in the near future, probably cannot ever have. Always wanting. So other than a couple of things I honestly need (a dresser, a vacuum that works, curtain rods so I can put up some curtains, and possibly a simple, inexpensive sewing machine so I can do a couple of inexpensive decorating things to make the place more homey), I have everything I want. (Thank goodness I ordered that LEGO before I made this crazy decision!) I might have to stop reading catalogs and decorating magazines for the month, however!

But I honestly want to learn some of the ways Julie approaches life, with her positivity, happiness, and her zen quality of "enough." She seems much happier than I am. Of course, I'm sure that has nothing to do with our almost completely opposite approaches to life and our world views.  

Therefore, I declare June (and part of July) Be Like Julie Month. C'mon and join me!