My love affair with Houston has been waning, as many of you reading my blog have already surmised. I don't have many friends here and none of them are close friends. I don't have work. And it gets too hot and humid for too long for my taste in the summer. And it has giant roaches.
That being said, I have a terrific therapist and psychiatrist. I am involved with an interesting non-profit for which I do both volunteer and paid work. Rarely is there snow and ice in the winter.
I know that the friends part is due largely because I haven't gotten involved in a lot of things. I have gone to professional meetings and networking lunches and met a couple of women there, but they have drifted away. I'm involved with the non-profit and enjoy the people I know through there, but only a couple of them socialize with me and that is rarely. So I guess I have tried.
I think I'm noticing this more since my trip to Oregon. I got to see several friends (and was perhaps busier than was necessary for a vacation). I got to see the ocean again, which I love. I even imagined the sound of gulls my first morning back in Houston.
Now I'm back and I'm anxious and kind of depressed and I don't want to do anything. Sure, I'm wiped out from my vacation and have slept a lot since arriving home. (Damned fibro.) Sure I'm still afraid of running into a large bug (it's gotta be dead by now, right?). And sure, vacation is where you have no real responsibilities and now I've returned to the land of responsibility and I must find work and clean the apartment and do many things.
But even before I left, I was losing my love for Houston. There are reasons to stay for a while longer. But then I have to decide where else to go. If I'm freelancing successfully remotely, I can go anywhere; otherwise, I'll need to find someplace to move where I can find work that suits me.
Do I really want to endure 9 or 10 months of rain and drizzle and cold gray days just to live near my oldest and dearest friends? Can I? Especially with my now pathological fear of driving in the snow and ice? And Seattle isn't a cheap place to live. But I know it well. If I could avoid driving in snowy or icy conditions, and I had a couple of light boxes and a lotta lamps and a good heater, and I could avoid driving in rush hour traffic (the buses were good when I lived there), I might be able to make it work. If my friends were available to get together. No point in moving there if they have no time for me and I'm stuck in the same situation as here, with no one to play with.
Living at the Oregon Coast would be tougher. My best friend there doesn't actually live on the coast: he lives inland and drives an hour to get to work. The other one is planning to move in a couple of years, as soon as her husband retires. And my other friends there are really my mom's friends. There is little to no work and none of it would allow me to live comfortably there; it's expensive in resort towns on the ocean.
But where else? Does it make sense to move to any other place where I have no friends and where I have to learn all over how the professional world works there? I'm not great at making friends, although I do try!
There is a class in October about how to make decisions, and if there is still room and I sign up before September 20 I can take the class for $99. But is that the best way to spend my money? Can't my therapist teach me how to make decisions? ARGH! My mind is starting to spin out of control.
I suppose it's silly to think of all of these things when I'm not ready to leave. And yet I do. Now that I think I don't want to stay here, I obsess.
What do I want? That's not too difficult.
I want a cottage from which I can see water, preferably ocean, but lake or river will do. I want to feel completely comfortable in my home. I want a garden that's just the right size for me. I want a cat or two for company. (A partner for me would be nice but at 51 I'm not exactly expecting one.) I want lots of light in my house. I want friends with whom I can meet for tea or lunch or dinner, with whom I can spend time just talking, friends who will invite me to their holiday celebrations, who will treat me like family. I want to have company when I want it and solitude when I want that, rather than solitude all the time. I want to be surrounded by beauty. I want to live comfortably on whatever income I have and I want to make that income in a way that suits me physically and mentally. I want nice neighbors and someone to take good care of my cats when I go on vacation. I want time to write and I want to publish what I write and have people who read what I write and like it. I want a simple life, with all I need and enough of what I want. I want my home to be simply furnished, with no excess, no junk, nothing that detracts from the calm and peace of my home. And I want another Subaru, rather than my mom's Toyota RAV4.
Good heavens this has become a very long post. But then, falling in and out of love with anything deserves a great deal of pondering.
What would you do?
I'm not sure what I would do but I think if I were even remotely thinking of moving, I would make a list of things I want in a new place and google that. Top of my list if I were you would be, are there places where it's easier to live with fibro?
ReplyDeleteBTW did you know that fibro responds well to watsu or water massage?
I've never even heard of water massage. Do you do this with a swim suit on? In a pool? It sounds interesting.
DeleteI think that hot/warm, dryish, and sunnyish are better for fibro than cold and damp and gray. But there's the friends thing to consider. Maybe I should find out where all the Betties live in warmer areas! :)
I didn't read the whole article but this looks like good info about watsu and fibro:
Deletehttp://www.fibromyalgia-symptoms.org/fibromyalgia_watsu_therapy.html
It is performed in a salt water pool kept near 98 degrees to simulate conditions in the womb.
I think I'd take this list with me to my therapist and say, "I want my life to be this. How do I make it happen?"
ReplyDeleteSkye, these are not unattainable goals. They require work, both internal and external, but they're doable.
Each step forward, each move you make with intent, can bring you closer.
Mary, I read your blog and am amazed and inspired by the joy and the rightness you feel about your life. I want that.
DeleteI know I need to work, and work hard. I just don't see the progress. Maybe that's a problem. You have to see your progress to feel you are making any, and to feel inspired to make more. I'm suffering from a lack of inspiration. :)
Both Judy, Judy, Judy and Mary Stella have good suggestions (as always). I'm a big fan of pro v. con lists, too. I think you should consider moving to one of the places where there are a lot of Betties :-) Built in friends! Sadly, upstate NY doesn't fit any of your requirements..
ReplyDeleteBut since you clearly aren't at a point where you are ready to do anything about it, I'd make a goals list, work with your therapist about ways to work towards those goals (practical things, so you can do a, then b, etc.). And then, let it go, since the decision doesn't need to be made right now, and take your energy and turn it to doing the things that CAN be done now.
There is one very good thing in upstate NY! A very good friend.
DeleteYeah, I need to work on stuff other than where I want to live. I don't want to keep dragging this crap around with me and not enjoying wherever it is I live.
The top project on the list right now is you.
ReplyDeleteWanting all this other stuff is fine, it's good to have goals like this, but you come first.
Make a list of what you want to be. Then list what you need to do to achieve that.
For example:
Think Decisively
- Reduce anxiety by meditating and working to reduce/eliminate irrational thoughts. You can work on this all the time.
- Increase mental clarity by meditation and working to reduce/eliminate irrational thoughts (double benefits!).
- Calmly list pros & cons. Dig into all the assumptions about the pros & cons. Boil the criteria down to essentials.
- Determine what you need to know to make a good decision [doing the homework].
- Accept failure. We can do the homework, have mental clarity and a calm mind, and still make the wrong decision. It happens. Know that the Universe won't (probably) end, and you will deal with the consequences.
What are the top 3 things you want to change about yourself? If you need help with this, you know I'm here for you. Let's put that hairstyle at the top of the list.. :P
Good example. You know I'll ask you for help. As for my hair, I thought you loved it because you didn't make a single comment about it! Tsk. I did think of growing it out into a "bob", which I had about 15 years ago. But I think it will just make my face look fatter and rounder right now.
DeleteAnd Julie said my hair look fantastic! :P
Don't listen to Anon about your hair! Good heavens.
ReplyDeleteSo I have some actual opinions today. ;-) Don't pay $99 for a course like that. Not when you already have a therapist. And good friends whose opinions you can ask, and you can AskBetty etc. If you're tight on money then... meh. I don't think it's worth it.
Also, I came across an interesting tool someone made for making hard decisions, and the categories (faith, family, friends, finances, fun) correspond well to your wish list. Just change faith to something else, or take it off the list.
http://www.jeffsandquist.com/how-to-make-a-big-decision/
My only other semi-opinion is that I think you're right to be careful where you move in terms of jobs and cost of living. One reason I'm not even looking for work in Vancouver, and sticking to Nanaimo, is it's so much more affordable in the latter. You can get a nice little apartment or basement suit for under $700, whereas in Vancouver you're living in a one room for over $1000.
Also, I do wonder if there's somewhere on the coast, near Seattle, that's sunnier? A smaller town that's maybe an hour drive from friends? I only wonder because parts of Vancouver Island, for example, get more sun than Vancouver. And neither the southern part of the island, nor Vancouver, gets significant snow. And as I said, a place like Nanaimo is cheaper than Vancouver. So... maybe there are places like that NEAR where you'd like to land?
Okay! Assvice done. Sending you good vibes and kitteh purrs and best of luck for figuring this all out. :-D
Never mind about Anon: he just really likes long hair and gives me crap for keeping mine so short!
DeleteThese are really great suggestions and opinions and "assvice" --- thank you! You always have thoughtful ideas. I could always look at the other side of Puget Sound. Sure, we'd have to take a ferry either way, but it could still work. I'll have to do some research on those cities.