Wasting Away in Anxiety-ville

In the 90s there was a movie called Tremors about gigantic worm-like monsters living under the ground. You knew they were around when you felt earthquake-like tremors and they knew you were around because the could feel the tremors of your walking or of the sound of your voice. They ate anything animal, as far as could be discerned. When one of these monsters (christened "graboids") came around, everyone froze and became silent. 

My anxiety, which is mostly generalized anxiety disorder probably, is a lot like the graboids. As it grows, I feel interior tremors as well as exterior ones: I feel fear and I freeze first; then I fidget, my feet move, it seems as if there are little bugs crawling on my skin.

My anxiety even reaches out to my media consumption. If something is more suspenseful than some internal threshold indicates, I can't watch it or read it without lots of breaks. If then. This aspect makes watching Leverage very difficult. I think I got 20 minutes in, maybe 15, to the first episode of the 4th season. I had to read the end of Sue Grafton's V is for Vengeance before I could finish the final third of the book.

I can't take any more anti-anxiety meds: I'm maxed out. And therapy is slow. Doing my little cognitive exercises work on some things but not everything and they are time consuming as well. Just one more pill, I think to myself. Or maybe a nap (my naps are 2-4 hours long, more escapes than naps).

I got anxious watching the Olympics! 

I want to relax. Happiness and serenity are my goals — without meds, or with very, very low doses. I've been struggling up this mountain for something like 28 years, sometimes hitting plateaus that I thought were the peak and staying there for months or even a year at a time. Then back to the climb.

I bought some self-help books because of the online class I took. I keep hoping that I'll read something and have an epiphany and then my climb will become easier and swifter. It does happen to some people, just like some people win the lottery. (Yeah, I play that once in awhile, too.) I must be an optimist because I keep trying.

I want: situations, things, to have no regrets, to be thoroughly and completely well. Sometimes, I just want, like a young child who cannot be comforted. At such times, I cannot even articulate my wants, but they seem connected to anxiety. Of course, everything seems connected to it.

I can ignore the anxiety for periods of time, such as when I am fully engrossed in work. Yet another reason to throw myself into an intensive work search when I return from vacation. But I don't want to work all the time. I need other things to throw myself into to keep the anxiety at bay. I have no vices currently, so that's out. If a book raises my anxiety level, I'm out of luck. I guess I need to start exercising hard: that is bound to decrease my anxiety for at least the time while I am exercising.. 

If I had a crochet project that was engaging, that would help, but none of what I currently have (and have the yarn for) appeals to me. I have hit a fear wall with revising my novel. I just want something to knock me out of this anxiety quicksand that I am in so I can move, make progress, and grow.

I wasn't anxious two years ago when I was working, before my mom was diagnosed with cancer. I wasn't even anxiety-ridden when she went in for brain surgery or was being treated with radiation. I knew she'd be okay. I stopped being okay the day after she died and I haven't been okay since. I know I'm stuck having to make myself better, but stuck seems to be the defining word.

Anyone ever have an epiphany that thrust them ahead leaps and bounds in progress in something? Do you think this is something that can be created by oneself and made to happen? Alternatively, have you ever seen Tremors and if so, did you like it? (It's one of my faves.)