You know how people refer to the fight or flight reflex? They forget the third option: freeze and hope you aren't seen. That is my response to stress and anxiety and fear. I have all the chemicals for the fight or flight, but they have nowhere to go because I stay still and hope that no one, or whatever is causing me stress, doesn't see me. So the adrenalin et al. have no way to burn off.
When I am anxious or stressed in some way, I minimize myself, try to not draw attention to myself if possible. That goes on at all levels, even to the level where I breathe shallowly and hold my breath.
I used to have nightmares as a child — lots of them. But my folks didn't like me to wake them up or climb in bed with them, so mostly I just stayed in bed quietly after having them. There was one I had a lot: I'd wake up and be sure that a big, black dog was sitting next to my bed, just waiting for some sign that I was awake. And once it knew I was awake, it was going to tear my throat out. So I would stay as still as I could, which involved breathing very shallowly (I had no idea how a sleeping person breathed and wanted to take no chances of attracting the big dog's attention). I would do this until I either went back to sleep or passed out from lack of sufficient oxygen, I'm not sure which.
As a result, I am very good at remaining very still and at breathing shallowly. Given that I am anxious all the time currently, I breathe shallowly a lot. I hold my breath a lot. And I sit unmoving except for some occasional involuntary fidgeting for very long periods.
And that's nuts. Moving and breathing are supposed to help diminish anxiety and stress. So why isn't my body (and that little mind of mine) trying to do what would help it? Because there might be a sabre tooth tiger — or a big black dog — waiting just outside my door. Or somewhere, just waiting for me to prove I'm awake and alive. And the primitive part of my brain is very strong.
So I sit, a block of ice, not getting any better because I am a sea of stress and fear chemicals with no way to burn them off.
Tell me, do you freeze or do you fight or flee?
Reading Mindsight he refers to all three of those. I'm not sure which I do... maybe freeze.
ReplyDeleteNow I understand why you like those songs about breathing. fgbvs to your continued healing.
Mindsight sounds like a good book. What's the author's name? Maybe it's in my library system.
DeleteYes, breathing and I have a difficult relationship. We are working on it though because it's kind of essential. :)
Dr Daniel Siegel.
Delete(Sorry, computer problems so I haven't been back to les blogs! Catching up...)
I took refuge in food most of the time which would numb me to the stress or anxiety for a little while. I guess that's close to freezing. My emotions and reactions were always so big that I didn't know if I could handle them.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you have this insight into yourself, Skye. Have faith that you'll be able to work through this too. Your clarity is a good thing!
It is difficult when what you feel is so large it's overwhelming. That's how I started eating for comfort and gaining weight. I am much heavier than I want to be, but still under 200. But I think that sweets are still my comfort and like a bulwark against the world, so I don't keep them in the house anymore. I still look for them, though. Weird, huh?
DeleteKnowing is a good start, but it's not half the battle the way the saying goes. If it were, I'd be much further along!
Julie's card today is perfect! It reminds us to breathe. I think I force myself to fight because I really want to freeze. But it can be very difficult to move. You are aware of what your response, which gives you leverage. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteYou have to fight: you have a house full of guys depending on you! It's easier to freeze or let things slide when it's just me. I need to really internalize the concept that I am worth fighting for. I haven't felt that way, which is why I don't cook and my cleaning is sporadic because just me isn't worth keeping the place clean and picked up for, or cooking meals for, or anything really. And that's just wrong.
DeleteI freeze. I can sit, completely still and barely breathing, while someone screams at me, and I'll likely stay that way until they begin screaming about the fact that I'm not moving. If some bad news or event frightens me, I stay still trying to be invisible much as you do.
ReplyDeleteI've been trying to overcome that by getting myself to do just one thing, like tidy something or sweep the floor, telling myself I only have to do it 'for five minutes' and I've found it's getting easier to get myself started now. Once I'm started, the movement really does help somewhat. Just somewhat, but that's a start.
Meditation is also helping a lot. And Julie's card was perfect for me today. Breathing meditation is something you can do for very small amounts of time if you're not comfortable meditating for long periods. I recently found a free iPod app that works well for me when something especially stressful happens: Pranayama Universal Breathing. You just breath along and I've found it's helped all lot on some especially bad days.
I know I need to meditate; it's proven to help with anxiety, in some cases as well as or better than meds. Movement too will help. I just have difficulties starting and I can't concentrate for more than a minute or two. I'll see if that app is also available for iPhones and give it a try, thanks.
DeleteI need to try that "for 5 minutes" thing. If nothing else, I'll get my dishwasher emptied and refilled. :)
I fight if confronted. Or if I imagine I'm being confronted.
ReplyDeleteHowever, about twenty years ago I was at a posh Hollywood cocktail party, and there was a psychic to the stars present. I felt like a fish out of water amongst all of the glamorous women and had no husband, no SO, and two young kids at home with a babysitter. I was nervous.
The woman came up to me and said, "You don't breathe." Being an ex RN I thought that was stupid. Of course I breathed. I was alive. It took me quite a few years to figure out that when I'm in a situation where I feel nervous, or "less than" I don't breathe deeply. : )
Action is better than inaction as a general rule, or as my therapist says, active is better than passive. So while you may breathe shallowly, you act. I'm one of those people who shuts down at confrontation and has to come back later to talk it over.
DeleteI'm intrigued that the psychic came up to you to tell you that. How cool!
Emotions can be scary. They seem so overwhelming sometimes that fight, flight or freeze feels like the right response. Try, maybe, to let yourself just feel it for a minute or two and label it. You know - I'm feeling sad, or I'm feeling guilty or whatever. Recognize it and accept it because whatever it is, it is okay to feel that way.
ReplyDeleteLike I told Mary Stella in one of her posts, I'm really good at dishing out the advice, but sometimes, for me, the cookies are just easier. I'm trying hard not to let them win. Putting on music and dancing has been helpful recently, even when I don't feel like it.
Karen: my therapist's name is Karen. My mom's name was Karen. Karen must mean "wise woman" or something like that.
ReplyDeleteYes, learning to feel and label my feelings would be good. I am a very intense person, always have been, but most people are not comfortable with intensity. It's possible that I eventually learned to hold in my feelings so I wouldn't make others uncomfortable. I do know I have scared myself with my own emotions (the grief kinds) in the past. I haven't thought about this topic in a very long time. Now I have to wait a whole week before I can tell it to the other Karen! Yeah, this makes sense. Thank you.
And the cookies won today. Or, rather, the chai, the pie, and the milkshake did. Then I started my period so that's my excuse. At least I took a brisk walk around the mall beforehand.
Definitely freeze. Then fight and flight, sometimes at the same time.
ReplyDeleteDid you ever read Hyperbole & a half's method for dealing with nightmare's?
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/02/scariest-story.html