My BFF tries to help me be more positive and become healthier. He worries, oft times for good reason. Right now he wants me to put together a list of all my successes and I'm having trouble doing it. My list of accomplishments seems so short for having lived 51 years. Some of the things on my list are that I've crocheted some beautiful doilies. That just seems like I'm reaching for the bottom of the barrel with that one.
This list has two purposes: 1) remind me that I can accomplish notable things; and 2) help decrease my anxiety over being able to accomplish things ever again, or basically, my anxiety over everything.
There are things I'm very proud of that I think are quite notable, such as teaching myself to ride a two-wheel bike when I was five years old, or buying my first house all by myself and with all my own money when I was 33 years old.
Then there's the doilies. They are pretty doilies, but not exactly notable.
Part of the problem may be that I generally think that if I can do it, it's not such a big thing then. It's taken me the over 3 years that I've (mostly) lived in Houston to accept that my just getting up and taking off for destination unknown IS a big deal.
A sub-purpose of this list is to help me regain my confidence and lose my anxiety over looking for and finding work. It was so nice to be working and making some money. I feel so worthless when I'm not making money, because I don't want to end up having to depend upon others to get by.
So, I'm having difficulties putting together my list. My BFF said he'll help me brainstorm and as much as he gives me crap a lot of the time, he does think very highly of me.
He may even think that the doilies count. Not that he wants one.
How do you build your confidence? Do you know what your successes are? Share a few here!
I don't remember what but something in my life inspired me to think about this recently. And I couldn't think of things either. I remember times when things I did felt really big and significant but looking back on them, I wonder why I cared so much.
ReplyDeleteI don't really feel a lack of self-confidence, though. And when I'm reluctant to do something I want to do, it's more often than not, weight issues that stop me.
Maybe you need to make two lists - one of things that other people find notable and one of things that you find notable? It might be interesting to think about why there's a disparity in the two lists.
ReplyDeleteFor example, I don't find it a particularly big achievement that I moved from Australia to the US all by myself. Other people do. So that would go on list #1. I find it remarkable that I haven't strangled my mum by now. Other people think she's perfectly lovely. So... that one is list #2.
I think crochet (and other sewing arts) are quite remarkable. On the other hand, I don't find it all that amazing to be able to dance. And so on, and so forth.
ummm, you're writing a book!! If you ask me, that right there is a hell of an accomplishment - even unfinished, unpublished. Just that you not only can do it but are doing it.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean by not thinking something is really any big deal if you can do it. I am the same way. If I can do something, it just doesn't seem very remarkable at all.
Buying a home at the baby age of 33 all by yourself is huge! It took me years to do it and come to find out, I really didn't do it on my own, it was in the late 90's when the banks were over extending and destroying our financial system as we knew it. So, I'm not sure it counts.
ReplyDeleteAnd I too have a few a few doilies that I'm proud of. Hey, it takes patience! And determination!
I totally get it that you can't think of much to list because the things that people are in wonder of, you take for granted. I'm the same way. So, just write down everything and anything you can do. I think the excercise's purpose will better reveal itself by that.
Some awesome suggestions! I will try them and see what turns up.
ReplyDeleteJudy: for me, it's almost always anxiety --- unless it's depression. My weight isn't bad enough to stop me from doing much other than wear the clothes I outgrew or buy a bikini. :)
Skye: it is awesome that you moved that far by yourself. I don't know your mum, tho', so I couldn't say.
Karen: thank you! How could I forget I'm writing a book? Except that I did. And I'm at over 38,000 words now, closing in on 40K!
Braless: well, you bought your house, no matter what the banks did. And doilies are fun to make because they are so beautiful. I have one I'm going to put in a frame; I'm also never going to make another one in better colors because it was hell to make and I couldn't tell you where the pattern is any way. I made it for my grandma. And I don't count spelling and grammar mistakes on blogs, because they are more like conversations than like letters.
Being positive is your nature. Some people aren't suited to appreciate true negativity.
ReplyDeleteMaking a list of accomplishments is also a measure of mental state. If you can't think of anything, this can be a sign of depression, anxiety, etc. Is it possible you are dealing with these issues?
As you imply, it's also subjective. Often our greatest personal achievements are unrecognized and we are appreciated for things we don't value. Thinking about this can remind ourselves where we get validation, and how valuable that validation is. It's good to be proud of what we value, even if the rest of the world is a bunch of thankless, unappreciative imbeciles.
As you point out, we take ourselves for granted. Most of us take pretty much everything for granted. Yesterday is old news. Not knowing where we've been can make the present feel very directionless. It might be directionless, but at least we should remember how we got here.
It's easy for some of us to obsess about the present POC (pile of crap) in front of us. Such lists can remind us of the past POCs we've gotten ourselves out of, past solutions for dealing with POCs, and that crap comes and goes. Having a POC in front of us isn't usually a new experience. But life isn't all crap. Usually we can see something beautiful if we look. It's usually growing out of a POC. Reminding ourselves to appreciate such things and that we might be able to grow something out of the current POC is a good skill to have.
I like Skye's idea of multiple lists. It's not like we only need to remind ourselves of one thing. Often the personal stuff gets forgotten in the noise from everyone else.
I've never met anyone who can easily make a list of their accomplishments. Perhaps they are out there. Everyone I know forgets some or all of them, and needs prompting, questioning, reminding, etc.
How many tech manuals have you written? How many were under ideal (or even useful) conditions? How many got accolades? How many people were happy to work with you on them?
How many toxic managers have you survived?
How many new things have you had to learn on short notice? And then teach to others?
How many new skills have you learned just because you wanted to?
How often have you had an effective emotional support network? How are you still here?
How many Art forms have you explored? Considering that the average across the planet is 0 (most people never create any Art, dragging the average down), what does this say about your relentless need to create beauty? Is that something you really want to value about yourself?
You are how old, and this is the best you can do for a BFF? How much crap do you really need from any one person?
Very interesting things to consider as I continue in my list (I just kind of dropped it a couple of days ago after my first go at it).
DeleteAs for how much crap do I need from one person, I find it's more efficient to get most of it from just one person rather than doing what you do and having MOST people give me crap. I'm all about the efficiency, you see. :)
And thank you for the nice things you said in your own roundabout way.
I think you're doing quite a bit. Frankly, some days, I think "surviving" is a big enough thing that we should all get credit for doing it.
ReplyDeleteWe all tend to think that the things we can do are no big deal--because we can do them. I almost didn't write my first book (on pagan rituals for covens) because to me, that skill set seemed easy. It took me a while to figure out that not everyone could do it.
I, for instance, couldn't make a doily if my life depended on it!
And that moving across continents by myself thing? NEVER HAPPEN.
You need to learn to give yourself more credit. Then you can put that on your list, too :-)
I think all the work you've been doing this past year certainly ranks very high. You're full of intelligence and wit and talent, Skye. Make that list! Go go go!!
ReplyDelete