What could I possibly have in common with James Dean, you might wonder? Simple: a restless and rebellious spirit. For some reason, I was not a rebellious teen. I argued with my parents, but not just for the sake of argument; I wanted answers. I raced my car fast a couple of times, but just to see what it could do, then I stopped. I made out with my boyfriends. But none of it was because I was rebelling.
Even the fact that my very nature was antithetical to my parents social and political beliefs wasn't about being rebellious. It was about being me.
I didn't. But I'm going to keep wearing 'creative' fingernail polish and brightly colored and patterned socks. I cannot give in completely.
As for restless, I have not completely unpacked in any home since 1989. I always have boxes packed, I don't completely personalize my space, and I tend to think about my 'next' place more than where I am at now. Even in my beloved cottage in Seattle, I didn't paint the walls, I didn't finish unpacking, and I didn't even plant any flowers.
And these days, I can barely sit still or concentrate on one thing, be it a book, the internet, or a movie. I haven't hung any pictures in this apartment, and most of y'all know the state of it from my descriptions.
I've always wanted to be settled. I've always wanted to put down deep roots and stay someplace 'forever'. So why do I move? Is it because I didn't get husband and children to ground me? Why did I move halfway across the country instead of trying to remake my home in the PNW? Is it more than simply about the weather? Why do I feel antsy even when I don't have the energy or interest in moving around?
Just like James Dean (when he was alive, of course), I haven't a clue. He was young, as were all the characters he played. What's my excuse? I'm not young (chronologically, at any rate), and I haven't been perimenopausal for this entire time!
Today all I have are questions, most of them "why?" So give me some suggestions in the comments. Heck, make something up if it amuses you — it will probably amuse me.
I'm just tired of being a restless rebel without a discernable cause.
I've got the restlessness, too. Only my gkids keep me where I am now and I've been here longer than I've been anywhere continuously without a break, since I was 30 yo. There are a lot of causes for my rebelliousness and restlessness but part of it is that it's my nature to be that way.
ReplyDeleteI have other friends who have that kind of nature, but it honestly isn't mine, if you go by my desires and the first part of my life. I want to sit my butt down in a forever-home with forever-friends nearby and make a decent living doing interesting writing stuff. (The work part of restlessness has always been part of me: I get bored. Writing as a freelancer or contractor can diminish boredom.)
DeleteOh I always, always had that questioning thing going on! I remember debating with teachers in high school, and some day I'll tell the story of the anesthesiologist and me before my C-section. I still question but I don't demand the answers to the unanswerable questions as much as I used to. Restlessness? There is always that part of me that wonders what I'd be doing if I didn't get married and have kids, what if I was living a different life, what would it be like to get a camper and travel the country, etc. etc. The problem with that wondering, if it gets to be more than just the occasional fantasy, is that it robs me of taking joy in what I do have. The month I spent consciously thinking of a daily gratitude, something in my like I was grateful for, helped me focus on what I have, here and now, that I really love.
ReplyDeleteI need to get better at liking my life. It contains nothing that I wanted -- no husband or kids or kids' friends hanging out all the time, no girlfriends that I spend time with a lot (not since Seattle and pre-their-husbands), no novels written, yet. Plus, my little brother, who died so many years ago was supposed to be my best friend and our kids would grow up together and we'd throw our parents wonderful parties for their 25th and 50th anniversaries ... you see what I mean. So liking what I have seems like it needs a magical spell to change me into someone who likes what I do have. Yeah, I guess it's called therapy and zen Buddhism, but they are like magic spells in how well they've worked so far ... not! :)
DeleteMaybe finding a way to say goodbye to the old dreams (I mean esp in re. your brother) so that there's room for new things to move in? There must be some symbolic way to do that? :-)
DeleteMay is just around the corner. One really fun thing to do is an old Beltane ritual - a balefire. Light a balefire - can be a candle in a can if that's all you can do but an actual fire in a small ditch is more effective - write out what you want to let go of. Jump the balefire dropping your paper into the fire midjump. Then on the other side of the fire write another paper with things you want to embrace.
DeleteI knew JJJ would have a ritual to suggest!
DeleteI recommend you use a candle, Skye. No more hospital visits! ;-)
Watch East of Eden. Watching him climb down the ferris wheel is fun. Swoon.
ReplyDeleteI also have been reprimanded for zee creative nail colors (i favor dark purple in a light pink world).
Hugs!
Thank you for the hugs!
DeleteI never really thought of myself as being like the teen rebel characters, but once I saw it, it seems it's all over my world. And I favor blues and greens in this pink world! Go color. Is it racist to say that I see the black women in my life getting away with color and interesting hair much more easily than the white women? It's like they are expected to be bright and different and adhere to a different cultural standard. No, it doesn't make up for all the rest of the stuff, but it is something that I see. I envy that, and the comfort with such bright and bold colors and patterns and hair and overall being. I want to break out of my fit-in-with-the-light-pinks mold so bad.
Envy and want. That's your restlessness. Once you learn to let them go, you'll be home.
ReplyDeleteThe hardest thing in my life so far has been to stop wanting. I try, I truly do, and I haven't managed yet.
DeleteThis worries me about my gson. I see want very strongly in him. Just like his mom. I don't know how to help him.
DeleteJ, J, J: The only thing I have ever read or been told is learning to want what you have. And I think that the way to do that is to look at each thing you have and say "do I want this". All I can see for your gson is do teach him that. Explain what always wanting leads to, what envy leads to.
DeleteI just found a bag of books I bought and all I could think was 'damn, more books." Obviously time to go back to the library and stop buying. I feel like I need one thing: a pair of chino slacks for work, and my work wardrobe will be complete. Other than that, ll I have to do is lose weight and i can go shopping in my closet again.
But I am still struggling with the wanting. I've even put up post-its in the apartment that say "Want what you have". I cannot think of any other way. Good luck with your gson, J, J, J.
Ms Brownlow and I have started using a food tracker mentioned on Barb's blog -
Deletemyfitnessplan.com
It's very easy, and has a zillion brand named foods in it, as well as stuff people add, homemade foods etc. So it's always easy to find some equivalent of what you've eaten.
Right now I'm doing it every day. At some point I might switch to just once a week per month (a suggestion someone made on another blog.)
Anyway. Just tossing that out there, in case it interests you / care to join moi. ;-)