Here's what I posted on the ReFab blog about this:
Some weeks, just getting through the week without having even random thoughts of how it would be easier if the Universe just casually bumped me off is a good thing. It’s not that things are rotten, just that they are hard and I’m still unemployed and I feel afraid about my future, never mind my present. So, I’m counting it as a win for this past week that I didn’t even wish I were dead, even for a moment.
Why have I felt different this past week? I have no idea. Could be we are getting somewhere in therapy (but I'm not aware of it; however, wouldn't be the first time). Could be due to the slight medication change (but we didn't start that until Wednesday and the past few days I've been kinda dizzy when I got up, so maybe the med isn't such a great thing for me). Could be the full moon (full moons make me happy). Could be, as was pointed out by responders to my comment, I know there are people who would miss me and be in pain if I died. I might as well flip a coin to decide what factor has made a change. Unless it's just a mental hiccup and I go back to occasionally thinking about how much it wouldn't hurt if I weren't alive. (Yeah, a bit of pessimism and wariness, plus discomfort about change even if it's for the better …)
Just FYI: NO! I am NOT thinking of hurting myself. Just want to be clear on that point so no one worries.
So, just for grins, let's say there has been a sea change in the way I'm thinking and that somehow I've moved from the thought that "death would end my pain and difficulties" to "this sucks but I'll muddle through". What does this mean for me and my present (and potential future)?
I guess it means I've accepted that life is difficult but I can cope. Or that I've chosen to live, no matter what, for whatever reasons. Perhaps it means I've moved from a more negative viewpoint to a more positive one.
As for how such a change affects my life from this point forward, I guess it would allow? enable? encourage? me to be more active and proactive in my own life, to move forward on all the fronts that need movement from me: job, friends, exercise, cooking healthy, my novel, etc.
I find myself compelled to state that there are a number of things inhibiting my movement and actions. Why am I compelled to state this? How many hours, and years of therapy, do you have?
Yeah, I'm still weary from the constant struggle and the fears, anxiety, and depression. I'm still lonely a lot of time, even though I live with two people. I'm still afraid for my future.
I know now that life isn't easy for most people. However, my mom lived a fairly good life (other than losing both husbands and her son) and spoke of life as being a lot easier than my life has been. Maybe it's a matter of perspective or world view; maybe it's because I am highly self-aware and analytical and she wasn't. And maybe it's possible for life to actually be easier than mine has been for a long time. Wouldn't that be awesome?
I'm still doing my visualizations in the morning. Today, instead of specifically just thinking about having a great job, I spent some time visualizing having a whole lot of money, enough that I could retire from regular work and just write and draw and paint and work on my house and yard and do volunteer stuff. Because that's what I really, really, REALLY want. I don't honestly need to work for any social or personal fulfillment. I can get all that from friends, from volunteer stuff, and from other things I might do if I'm not working, looking for work, or stressing about not having work.
So I need that winning lottery ticket or mysterious benefactor. Certainly can't hurt to add them to the thoughts list. Might even help!
I'm glad you're not entertaining thoughts of self-harm. I wish you peace and grace and serenity. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteWhat Anna said.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Anna and Julie. Even when I have felt I would like to be dead I wasn't going to harm myself. It was a passive desire.
ReplyDeleteAnd thank you for your wishes for peace, grace, and serenity. From your mouths to the Universe's ears!
Have you ever considered that maybe your mom simply didn't admit to her life being hard, even though it was just as tough as everyone else's? (Maybe more so, with the losses she suffered.) Perhaps she was trying to put out a positive face to the world. Maybe she thought she was protecting you. Or maybe she really was just one of those lucky people who greeted every day with enthusiasm (my grandmother was like that). But most of the rest of us are just like you--struggling to deal with the bad stuff gracefully, coming to terms with those things we can't change, and working hard to change those things which are under our control. Nobody is always happy and serene. Joy and bliss tend to be fleeting moments, which is why we need to enjoy them when they come along. That doesn't mean you can't have a life that is more up than down...it just isn't realistic to expect to be at peace all the time. I wish for that too, but I think even Buddhist monks who live in retreat from the world have a hard time with that one.
ReplyDeleteHugs and kudos for the progress you're making!
Those are all valid thoughts. I think in my younger years, after the deaths of Dad and Jim, Mom did just that. When I was older, and especially after I moved near her, she was much more authentic. Losing her second husband was a huge blow and I spent a lot of time with her after that (often drinking wine). But she really was a person who viewed the world in a more positive way and pretty much rode the waves gracefully.
DeleteI think that it's about dealing with difficulties gracefully that I'm after. Sylvia Boorstein writes about that. Grace under pressure is a good goal. And learning how to ride out the hard times without tearing myself apart in the process. I kinda like the image of Buddhist monks struggling with crap.
Sabine found a tee shirt I want: Sometimes I wrestle with my demons, and sometimes we just snuggle. I want this. :)
Oh, I love that! And yes, that's what I work towards--dealing with difficulties gracefully. I think I'm much better at it than I used to be (by far) but there is still a ways to go.
Delete