Power, Protection, and Progress

So. Therapy today was powerful. We talked about a major theme in my life: power and powerlessness, authenticity and invisibility. I came away with my mind spinning, feeling full to the brim, and feeling good. I even turned off my radio so my mind could keep resonating with what we talked about and when I got home I wrote the important bits down so I'd remember them.

It started off with me talking about the TED Talk by Amy Cuddy about body language and using it to change your own perceptions and feelings and behaviors. About the "Wonder Woman pose" that the media has played up and how to use it. (And I have used it, and Amy's other suggestions, and they seem to actually work.)

From there we went into how I diminish my own strengths and talents and accomplishments, and why I do so. I tend to have "don't look at me, I'm no threat" submissive and powerless postures: head or eyes down, shoulders hunched, arms and legs drawn in. I have often thought that I don't deserve as much space as other people, as much air as other people.

Then we went to why. Mostly self-protection, plus a lot of being squashed so much I've just given in and stayed squashed most of the time. Because of being molested, and from such a young age. Because my parents were always telling me "don't show off" (my intelligence and vocabulary), "don't brag," even while encouraging my little brother to show what an exceptional athlete he was and revolving our lives (mine included) around his sports. Because at a job I stayed at for six years (four years longer than I should have), my boss and co-workers treated me worse and worse the more authentically I lived my life and the more I threatened their world view: I both worked AND wrote (and published a story); I took a month off and went to Britain; I took six weeks off and attended a full-time writers' workshop (that you have to apply and compete for). Some people can be downright hostile if you do what they have told themselves they cannot do because that is How Things Are.

I have often in my life felt that The Universe hates me. It has seemed as if, just when my life was going particularly well, the Universe has reached out and slammed me, with moving when I was 16, with the deaths of my father and my brother and my mother, and with other things. And that has happened a lot, but there are times when I've been slammed while things were going very badly, and I'm sure there have been times when things have been going well and I haven't been slammed (I just have to remember them!).


I became very good at protecting myself. I made myself small and non-threatening (all this sometimes backfired when I came up against predatory people). I even built an amazingly detailed schema in my mind, with many layers of fortification and distance and protective monsters and privacy fences. This schema worked so well that all I developed afterward were superficial friendships and even my therapist didn't know that I had depth and layers. Until it shattered and fell apart, leaving me naked and vulnerable and open and authentic. Then my therapist saw the real me and we did some significant work.

I've diminished or ignored the brave things I've done, such as picking up and moving to Houston, or moving back to Seattle; the strong things I've done, such as comforting others when my father died and when my brother died, and taking care of my mom while she was dying; the talents and skills I have, such as writing stories and drawing and painting pictures and crocheting beautiful things.

In protecting myself from other people's notice or hostility or lack of acceptance, I've buried my authentic self and made it impossible to live the life I want and was meant to live. I've buried my voice and my talents and my skills. I've made it impossible to recover from the losses and pain I've endured in my life, from the depression and anxiety that have come from so many aspects of my life and my mixed-up brain chemistry. I've been living as if I were already dead and just waiting to be buried myself.

Michele gave me the image and idea that I am the ocean and my thoughts and feeling are waves: they grow, crest, and diminish, without changing the ocean. And she asked me to observe my thoughts and feelings this week, going all the way through them — not around them or past them — and looking for any patterns. The ocean image resonates so strongly for me — we all know how much I love the ocean! And the idea of going through my feelings and thoughts, not just avoiding or getting past them, is a solid one. She pointed out that how I dealt with difficult thoughts and feelings when I was younger, by walking and walking until they were done (and I was sometimes a few miles from home!), was going through them rather than avoiding them.

Reading books obsessively and surfing on the computer until I am so tired I can't see straight are no different from drinking myself into a stupor to avoid thinking and feeling. Those behaviors go beyond doing them for fun and pleasure.

I know what I want. I want a life full of love and creativity and authenticity where I love myself and am proud of what I do and who I am. I want to do what I love to do — write, draw, paint, craft, walk, spend time with loved ones — and I want to surround myself with only those things that I love or that are useful. I want to feel powerful, to acknowledge my strength and bravery. I want to feel and know that I deserve as much space and as much air as anyone else in this world. I want to be happy and serene and in charge of myself and my life, and accepting of things I have no control over.

Wanting these things is why I have been in therapy for so long, why I have struggled so hard and not given up entirely. I feel like today, a new window opened, one that lets in light and fresh air and that provides me with a new perspective. I feel like something has been unlocked inside of me.

I haven't felt that often. Just a few times, really, with my therapist at the ocean, with Karen in Houston, and now with Michele in Seattle. I feel like I've taken one step closer to what I want, one significant step.

I feel kind of weird, like I'm full of helium perhaps, and like today's good weather belongs to me. My eyes are open wide and I'm smiling and I am resolutely batting away the pesky diminishing thoughts that are trying to say "this won't last, it's not true, now something bad will happen to you." They are lies. I am a deep, wide ocean, with many waves, covered in some places with clouds and in some places open to bright sunlight. It's good. I'm good. And I am terrifically angry at all the people who battered and squashed me because they felt threatened by me and how I lived my life. The anger will crest and pass. Those people are no longer in my life and I will no longer keep anyone in my life who attempts such things with me.

I feel great. How are you?