Speechless

I can't think of anything good or positive to say right now, so I'm probably not talking to you much. There is only so much self-pity someone else can stand.

Right now, I am miserable, my life is miserable and overly challenging and I'm making no progress. I have tried and I am trying as hard as I can. Will I keep trying? For now, that is unknown.

So if I'm not writing (and I gave up Nano ... again ... commitment issues?), it's because I have nothing to say that isn't about misery and grief and the Abyss. And there is really no point in writing about all of that.

I am positively speechless.

Oh, and yesterday was Mom's birthday.

Nano-Lame-o

I haven't written any more. I got up to 1600 words and just haven't done any more. I'm stopped on all fronts — all. No progress. No movement other than backward. The apartment is still shame-worthy (no, seriously, I wouldn't even let a maintenance guy in if I had a problem). I haven't paid the estate bills for no reason at all. No reasons for any of it. Except one.

I am sad.

I am drowning in it. I cannot even take to heart the wonderful advice and suggestions of Julie at JulieLand! Writing creatively has become like trying to claw my way out of a coffin (I've been watching MythBusters on Netflix and there are two episodes with coffin escape attempts in them, so I know of which I speak): impossible. Nothing comes.

So there we are. This is the place that is my life right now.

Creating

Well, I haven't written since the 1st. Until tonight. And I am not writing story yet. I'm just writing stream-of-consciousness text, trying to figure out who this character is and what she wants.

Sure, most people start Nano knowing all this ahead of time. Many people even have all their characters and plots worked out before November 1st. I barely had an idea. And unfortunately, where I started going just wasn't. Going. So I thought I'd do this top-of-the-head writing. Or down-in-the-basement. Or out-of-the-attic. Or wherever your creative muse or center emanates from.

This character won't let go of me. I have one snapshot of her in my mind, in mid-stride as she runs at a slow lope along a forest path. Not terribly dark, and not out in the wilderness. But other than her name — Nel — she hasn't given up much else.

It's possible that my 50K (or whatever) for November will be all exploratory. I'm going to write what I can and not worry about it. That's all I can do. While I haven't written any kind of story in a very long time (except that romance that would. not. live.), I do know that you cannot force the story. You cannot force the character. Well you can, but it doesn't make for either great writing or great creativity. And I am A Great Writer. (Lani Diane Rich makes all her students say/yell/type this at the end of every class. She rocks. You can find her at StoryWonk)

So that it for the evening. I'm going to go watch some more stuff on Netflix. It's Saturday and I had a way-too-challenging week, so I'm done for the day.

At least I wrote 964 words today. Not a story, but perhaps the beginning of creativity.

NaNoWriMo, Day 2: Even Worse!

Unfortunately, today was a very long day. I was busy with one of my jobs most of the day, then led a meeting for that one. I didn't get to my other job at all and as of 9 pm I haven't written for NaNo. Not sure yet if I will. Because after a very long meeting, I drove down the road a ways and discovered I had a completely flat tire. And I wasn't in a very good neighborhood. Thank heavens for cell phones!

Luckily, I have roadside service with my insurance coverage. So after about 45 minutes parked at a gas station, a nice man came and changed my tire. Ah!

But now I'm exhausted and my eyes are all squinty (I was on the computer all day, in a much more intense way than when I'm on it just messing around). I'm tired. I'm wired. I'm not sure if I can manage to write creatively.

But if I can, I'll report it tomorrow.

TTFN!

Word count for the day: 0.