I haven't written any more. I got up to 1600 words and just haven't done any more. I'm stopped on all fronts — all. No progress. No movement other than backward. The apartment is still shame-worthy (no, seriously, I wouldn't even let a maintenance guy in if I had a problem). I haven't paid the estate bills for no reason at all. No reasons for any of it. Except one.
I am sad.
I am drowning in it. I cannot even take to heart the wonderful advice and suggestions of Julie at JulieLand! Writing creatively has become like trying to claw my way out of a coffin (I've been watching MythBusters on Netflix and there are two episodes with coffin escape attempts in them, so I know of which I speak): impossible. Nothing comes.
So there we are. This is the place that is my life right now.
Sounds to me like you need to wallow in it. Instead of fighting the sadness, exaggerate it. How can you be sad to such an extreme that it ends up being ridiculous and laughable? Sometimes that's the only way out of it for me - through it. Sad songs, sad movies, etc.
ReplyDeleteNot sure that over the course of this past year I've managed to push it into laughter. It just swirls down into the Abyss. These days, I find myself looking at my bottle of Lorazepam rather fondly, as in "maybe I can take another one;l they're small and mild." Or as something that would go down as smoothly as water.
ReplyDeleteWouldn't do it, as far as I know. But sometimes it crosses my mind. My BFF admonished me to not leave him with a vegetable of a best friend to care for thank you very much. :)
Well, you've had some truly shitty things happen to you, both recently and in the past. So sad and depressed is totally reasonable. You have a unique voice and while you may not be able to make it heard right now, eventually you will. There will be better days. Have you seen Hyperbole and a Half? She just blogged about a serious bout of depression which you might find some resonance with. Hugs. Email me if you want another ear to listen.
ReplyDeleteI was going to ask if you had seen Allie's newest post, and then Karen beat me to it.
ReplyDeleteYou could just read all of my wise-ass assvice outloud several times a day, then do some wallowing the way Judy suggested. That way, Ta Da! You've got all bases covered.
Julie
Um, yes please don't leave us to take care of your vegetable self. We like the non-vegetableish Skye much better.
ReplyDeleteLife is weird, isn't it? Sometimes it sucks big time and sometimes it's ok. Weird peaks and valleys. I don't pretend to know what you feel like, but know that you are not alone.
Funny thing is, you have a great writing style--the similes and metaphors you use, etc. So even while you're writing about depression, I'm all "Hmm good turn of phrase, well done my friend." So clearly you don't need Nano-lame-o. :-)
ReplyDelete