In Hiding

Something happens to me when my anxiety hits a certain level: I stop going out unless I have to. I don't leave for a walk or just to be outside of my apartment. I leave for work — when I have some — and for medical appointments. Even leaving to go get a haircut, pick up prescriptions, or get groceries require herculean effort. If I couldn't pace around in my apartment, dance, and do minor exercises, I'd get no exercise at all.

This began last year but I think it's worse this year. The last time it happened was when I was in my early 30s. I'd bought my house, which was my haven, and both work and my ex-boyfriend had become serious stressors in my life, to the extent that I took a couple of months off of work due to mental health issues (this was the boss from hell, an exceptional person at making my life miserable). Even when I was going to work, I was going out in other ways less and less until I'd cancelled on my girlfriends once too many times. They came to the house and used the house key that I had given each of them to come in, make sure I was okay, and forcibly socialize me.

There is currently no one to come do that to me here and now. I don't think I'm that bad, either: I would gladly leave for a job interview and, if necessary, commute to work. I'm trying to get one friend to get together. I do leave here for lunches out with friends (I forgot that in the first paragraph).

Why do I hide inside? Fear. Anxiety. If I stay in the apartment, it's less likely that something bad will happen, so my mind whispers to me. I know that's crap ... staying home would not have kept my mom from dying ... but my mind is persuasive and I want to believe that there is something I can do to stay safe.

So what do I do about it?

So far, I haven't done much. When I need to pick up a medication refill, I will push myself. When I need to buy groceries, I try to make it be on a day when I'm already out, like when I go for therapy or lunch. As I'm trying to save money, I haven't been going on errands because errands usually involve spending money. As I'm trying to lose weight, I don't go out to get fast food. And it's been too damned hot to go for walks outside.

I need to find things to take me out of the apartment, such as going to the tiny gym over by the office and using the treadmill or the stationary bike. Or get into the pool; find a good time when it's not too busy and take a walk around the edges, or just be in the pool to cool off and get a little sun on my Seattle-pale skin. And stop by the office to say hi to the women who work there and get some socializing.

I guess I don't have to do things that require leaving the apartment complex, unless it's an appointment of some kind or lunch. The mall — quite suitable for walking — is a minimum of twenty minutes away and the bookstore is too tempting. The other malls are even further away. The park is also about twenty minutes away but too hot. By the time the weather starts to cool down (she laughs), it's dusk and the flying bugs are out in the hundreds.

It may be that I have lost my tolerance for extreme heat; it's probably good that I didn't stop and settle in New Mexico. But then, maybe my mental attitude is affecting my temperature tolerances. (Might affect my light needs, too.) Maybe I could handle New Mexico if I felt more like myself. Maybe I could handle here.

I'm going on vacation in less than two weeks and the way things are, I'll have to spend a lot of time on my own during the day. I'll have my friend's car while he's at work and I'll be able to wander a bit if I like, but mostly I want to spend time on the beach instead of in front of my computer. I want to move my body instead of sit on a couch. (I'm doing exercise and movement now so I'll be able to walk on the beach a lot.) I won't be socializing much, but I'll at least be outside. Freezing, most likely: the temperatures I've been seeing have been in the 50s and 60s. 

So while I won't be talking to lots of people the whole time I'm there and I won't be getting a tan, I will be outside of my tiny comfort zone. I'll be sleeping on a couch at night and spending my evenings with a friend and his two big dogs, except when I stay in a hotel with another friend for a few nights. I'll take pictures and walk around and eat too many meals out.  I'll see a few friends for a few hours. And I won't be able to hide in my own little apartment, day in and day out.

When I come home, maybe I'll be over my need to hide in my apartment. Maybe I'll be in a new place, after coming back from an old place once again.