The definition of family, part I

"Of all of these things, the greatest is love."

As everyone knows by now, my natal family is gone. I lost my dad in 1978, my little brother in 1983, and my mom last summer 2010. Yes, there are relatives, but none of them is as close to me as the most distant and lurk-ful of the Betties.

And therein lies the rub. My family believed in blood family but not in non-blood family (I think there were only two exceptions over the years). So I have no roadmap to follow. Simply learning to think "I still have a family" is no easy feat for me.

I have a friend I've known since I was 11, and we still communicate, but she has strong family bonds and her bonds to other friends are stronger than mine. Yet, when we are in contact it's like the intervening time — which might be years — didn't happen. Leah lives in Wisconsin.

My best friend is a man I've known since my junior year in college. We've been involved. We've been best friends. We've been furious with each other and said things that in most relationships would be unforgivable. And we've sat with each other thru death and grief. We've shared a house with another friend and an apartment between the two of us and for most of that time everyone thought we were an item, even tho' we had separate bedrooms. I didn't know that he was still in love with me until years later when he broke down after seeing me with the man I'd moved in with. (Stupidest decision ever, but that's another story.) Steve lives in Seattle.

My two closest girlfriends I've known since 1987-88. I loved them each so much that I simply made us be a triad. I've never had so much fun as when the three of us spent time together. The best time I've ever had living with another person was when I shared an apartment with Marlys (the first time — I moved in with her again for a bit after I left the man who was the stupidest decision of my life). Best. Time. Evah. I stupidly moved out with my then boyfriend. (Same one, that story.) And when Letitia moved to an apartment near us ... there was much drinking, staggering down streets half-drunk at midnight singing Christmas carols, walking around Greenlake, breakfasts, lunches, and general hilarity. And some good parties. I will forever remember Mr. Lamp. Marlys and Letitia live in the Seattle area.

I made a good friend when I lived in Oregon, but we only really clicked the summer before I left. Hobbes and I spent that summer parking in parking lots overlooking the ocean. We'd play music on his stereo (his entire car was like the world's best stereo) and watch the sun go down and talk. Hobbes lives just off the Oregon Coast.

I have one or two other friends in far away places. I have some good friends here in Houston, but none of them have had much time for me since I moved back. I have some people who care a lot about me, but either they are too busy or they haven't moved into that phase of a relationship with me where we socialize. My friends in Seattle say this is why I should move back up there. I have to point out that even if I lived up there, they would have little time for me. When I left Seattle in the first place, I saw them very little due to their families and the new things they had gotten into.

But they are family. I love them as much as I love family and I would do anything for them.

I thought that was what I had for family and friends: a handful of people who loved me but had little time for me.

Along came the Betties. This community of women (mostly, but I never see any of the theoretical males, except for Lucy's hubby) has seen me thru unemployment, my mom's cancer, my having to give up everything in Houston to move back to be with my mom, Mom's death and all that came after, and my relocation and dislocation back in Houston.  Not only were they there for me en masse, but I've actually made some friends on an individual level, and — this is the amazing part to me — I'm continuing to make more! Not just one or two friends, but four or five! I've actually gone beyond envy and jealousy over my first friend (I tend toward being clingy and insecure). And these friends have time to email or text or chat with me. Sure it's online, but it's time anyway, as good as talking on the phone. And I've had some awesome chats with some of them, and some awesome emails.

I feel as if I have cousins and sisters and BFFs all over the place.  Julie is like my alternate-universe twin (and she's probably the only one who will not only get that one but understand it in our own askew way). I am becoming close with others, too, and I feel loved. I feel love. I want to do as much for them as they have done for me.

Sofie's Kelly sent me a gift because I've been so depressed and anxious. In it were some awesome things, but one thing stood out (well, so did the chocolate): a card that she herself had painted and illustrated. It's a Fairy GodBetty, complete with wand and catchphrase. How cool is that?

Many of my blood relatives (extended family) caused me a great deal of hurt; they oppressed and repressed me and made me feel as if I were the black sheep, the bad child. My new family is teaching me what family is all about: love, acceptance, and joyful celebration of all that one is.

There is nothing better in the whole world.