It took me a long time to accept that I will have to be on medication for my mental health for the rest of my life. At first, I was sure that I only needed it for a little while, until I got control over my moods, until I stopped being depressed or anxious. Then, when my psychs started talking to me more specifically about brain chemistry, I thought maybe I'd just need to be on the right medicine for long enough to "fix" my brain chemistry, then the depression and anxiety would go away.
I now understand and accept that my brain chemistry is messed up, that it has been messed up for most of my life, and that the only thing that can help me develop and maintain some semblance of healthy brain chemistry is medication. Doesn't mean I like it, though. And I'm willing to bet money that the medications I'm on today are not the medications I'll be on five years from now, because for my brain chemistry problems it seems that the scientists haven't even stuck with the same diagnosis for five years, much less the same medications.
Of course, what that means is that I'm probably going to continue to struggle with my brain, that I won't be able to develop a stable balance. I could be wrong. I'd like to be wrong.
I felt virtually perfect that June, before Mom was diagnosed with cancer.
So my psych and I were talking last week and got on the topic of brain chemistry. I was explaining how frustrated I am that I still need weekly therapy after 30 years of therapy, with only about three years total of not being in therapy. And I am frustrated.I just want to be healthy and happy and be able to take care of myself without virtually constant medical oversight or care. Fine, I'll take the meds. But I want to stop being plunged into deep depressions or stabbed by spikes of anxiety. I want to function and function well, all on my own. But I feel a victim of my own brain chemicals.
So we talked about little ways I can affect my brain, ways that can give me some feeling of control. I'm sure most people know that exercise provides us with increased endorphins, and exercise and certain foods such as chocolate increase our serotonin. But did you know that going for a walk with a friend not only increases those two chemicals but also increases oxytocin? So does petting an animal. Oxytocin is one of the chemicals released in the mother and newborn at birth; it increases feelings of trust and bonding. It makes you feel good.
I'm not really sure what to do with this information. Yeah, I really do want to get in better physical condition, so exercise is on the list. Yeah, I definitely enjoy doing things, such as walking, with friends. I'd like to do more of those things. I haven't started, yet, but that's no surprise.
Will doing things that increase those chemicals in my brain help me feel better? If so, just in the short term or will those changes build on each other and lead to long-term brain changes for the better? And will I feel a great sense of personal control if I do them? Will I notice a difference?
I like knowing this, about the chemicals. I like having information about things that can have an effect on myself and my environment. I like knowing about the non-physical aspects of things like meditation and visualization and journaling, but I also like knowing about the mechanistic effects of things like brain chemicals and hormones (and yes, I know meditation also has physical effects). I like having a sense of control. I do not think that I am at the mercy of fate or destiny or decisions by deities or our own souls. Neither do I believe that anyone has complete control over themselves or their lives.
There is a lot of randomness in life. There is a lot of pattern. We are subject to our genetics, our temperaments, everything that happens to us, our choices, our reactions …. Life is complex. We are complex. But I do think that we can exert some control. So I'm going to play around with this brain chemistry stuff, at least as an experiment. I've always been part engineer, part scientist, and part artist. Might as well turn all those parts toward myself and see what happens.
At the very least, the exercise should help ease that damned frustration.
I wouldn't necessarily assume that you will have to be on meds for the rest of your life. Instead, i would assume you haven't yet found the lifestyle changes and adjustments that will allow you to manage just fine without them.
ReplyDeleteMy guess is that if you get into a pattern of exercise, healthy eating, and other factors that will regularly help your brain chemistry--and you get to a point in your life where you feel less out of control and vulnerable, you may be able to eventually cut out or at least lessen your meds.
So go take that walk!
Well, ok. I really find it hard to imagine it, but I'd love to be able to stop taking meds or else lower my dosages. That would be wonderful!
DeleteWhat Deborah said. Plus the alternate view, which is, that it - depression and anxiety - are illnesses. If you had type 1 diabetes, you would know that your body chemistry isn't working the way it should and you have to take meds to correct it. And while you might resent the fact that your body didn't produce insulin correctly, you'd know that it is an illness and has to be treated. So it is with the brain. Although because we know less about how the brain works, it does make it harder to find the right drug and dosage level.
ReplyDeleteSmall steps, Skye, just keep taking small steps.
Karen is right too, of course. And everyone is different. But there is no point in wasting energy resenting something that is helping you, and none of us can predict the future.
ReplyDeleteI don't really resent the medication. I resent still being in therapy. I've spent a buttload of money over the past 30 years. And I'm still very messed up.
ReplyDeleteWhat Karen and Deborah said. I agree, completely!
ReplyDeleteAlso, I thought of you yesterday when I was speaking to a woman who joined a walking group. They met in the mornings (so clearly, this was NOT for me) and had a set route. Sometimes they changed things up a bit and went another direction, but they always start and end in the same spot. None of them knew each other before this. Some folks would drop out, some new ones would join in.
You and I both know that there must be something similar where you are. And if not, you could start one.
Right now I resent that, for some reason, I can't post comments to your blog from my phone. :-) Skye, I so hear you about the frustration and resentment. I struggle with these feelings.
ReplyDeleteI'm working on acceptance as in accepting the things I can't change. I have an eating disorder. I will also have an eating disorder. Ergo, I will always have to be mindful and vigilant about the behaviors that keep me in recovery.
All I have to contribute today is a virtual hug and an observation. You might be frustrated and resent still needing therapy but, girlfriend, you're a fighter. You aren't letting the frustration and resentment knock you out of the battle and you continue to do what you need to do. Inspiring!
You folks are all so great! I appreciate your comments, perspectives, insights, and cheerleading. I am very, very fortunate to have you all.
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