Amazing, aka Great Things

[Note: I don't normally put another post up so quickly after a big post like yesterday's, but this one needs to go up and I don't want to wait. And there are lots of italics and all caps, so be warned. And yes, others have told me; I had to see it myself.]

Finding treasures comes from looking

This journaling-in-the-morning thing is so cool! This morning I woke up after 6 hours or a little more and decided to write for a bit before going back to sleep. I didn't end up going back to sleep. The journaling brought me to such an amazing place.

At first, all I could think of writing about was the changes in my medications. That led to thoughts about managing my brain chemistry and a wonderful vision of an orange-robed monk on top of a terrifyingly high, narrow cliff. He was sitting cross-legged, his hands dangling loosely over his knees, his eyes closed, and a wide, serene smile on his face. Every line of his body and face spoke of serenity and peace. And while I know that it's easier to achieve such things when you are not in the world, certainly exceptional people like the Dalai Lama and Thich Naht Hanh are able to be serene and peaceful while interacting with the world at large. I figure I should be able to achieve some level of serenity and peace and have in fact achieved them at times in my life. I want them again.

So I explored what might help me manage my brain chemistry other than drugs: meditation, exercise, visualizing happy things, visualizing actually changing the chemistry. Diet would probably help, too: Sabine read something about how anti-inflammatory diets can reduce depression in women by a significant amount (30%? 40%?), or in a significant amount of women. Today she began researching such diets and ran across articles about a local woman who has developed such a diet and who gives classes about the diet. Honestly, the classes seem to be long-drawn out lectures, one a week for five weeks, explaining the science behind the diet. Given that she's also written a book, I'm pretty sure we will be able to get everything we need out of the book, without paying the $180 per person to take the class. And, basically, it's just another version of the Mediterranean diet, so it's just another reminder of what healthy eating consists of.


I explored some of the things that have led to my brain chemistry problems, besides genetics, and to anxiety and depression in general, and ended up stating that if my brain chemistry can change for the worse, it can change for the better. And that when I become persistent about something, I can accomplish a lot.

(Here I noted that I was resisting writing or even thinking "I can accomplish great things", even though that thought kept trying to get through. Interesting how hard it is for me to own my … okay, 'greatness' comes to mind, but then I have a great amount of resistance to writing that.)

This statement about persistence led me to write a list of various things I've persisted at, and thus succeeded at: going back to school, going through the certificate program in Scientific illustration, buying two homes on my own, tiling a tub surround, tiling a floor, crocheting a work-of-art doily for my grandma, writing a 100,000-word novel first draft, moving far away --- more than once, helping Mom and executing her estate. I realized that I keep getting back on my feet and pushing forward and that was the other perspective I was missing.

Yes, Life has knocked me down a lot, I've experienced great losses, I've succumbed to major depression and/or anxiety over and over again, but I KEEP GETTING BACK UP AND PUSHING FORWARD! I've been missing this essential realization and only seeing the part where I get knocked down and lose what I love. My persistence is success. I've accomplished great things (and it didn't bother me to write that, once I had this epiphany) just by getting to my feet again and persisting some more.

I wonder how I've missed this part? How could I see myself getting knocked over again and again without realizing that I could only get knocked over because I got up again? By not realizing this important fact, my own light has shone less brightly and I have felt more diminished. I realized that I have succeeded because I've survived, because I've persisted, because I've accomplished so many things,  because I'VE GOTTEN BACK ON MY FEET EVERY GODDAMNED TIME.

By this time, I was smiling. I felt like I was shining, radiating light. I felt like I was turning around and around, laughing, twirling in circles (without the barfing part).

Why yes, I do have a lot of egret photos.

That's when I came to the best part:

I Am Amazing!

My thoughts have kept me from realizing it in the past, but now that I've seen it, there's no going back. I am strong. I am the sun. I am me.

I am about to accomplish Great Things.