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It remains a journal, and I am very grateful to those of you who visit and comment because I enjoy what you have to say and I feel uplifted by your support. However, I began to crave comments. As someone who has long sought for validation externally, it took me long enough to figure that out. I realized this week, maybe Wednesday, that I feel bad if only one person comments. In fact, I feel inadequate if fewer than four people comment. (Weird, to have a number, but I do.)
At such times, I worry that my posts are too long, too boring, too negative, too sad, too much about myself. I wonder if I should change my posts to please my "audience". I forget, in other words, what this blog is.
**Allowing the laughter to subside**
I guess this is a good Learning Moment. It's pretty sorry that I need external validation so badly I consider changing what I write in my personal journal to try to get more comments.
**Quiet moment for obligatory shame**
I hope to remember this moment and this realization. I forgot it about five times over the past couple of days, luckily remembering it again each time. I'm staying up late to write this before I forget again. It's worth remembering.
Will writing this post help me learn to find my validation from within rather than without? On first consideration, it wouldn't seem so. It's just a blog post, right? But given what I, and all of you, have seen on this blog in the past almost three years (I know!), writing these posts has become part of my processing new information and making it possible to internalize changes. So, yeah, I think that's what writing this post will lead to: greater movement toward my finding my validation within myself. (That's a lot of "my's".)
It's hardly fair of me to put all of that on all of you.
Well bummer. I wrote what I considered a great comment and then it disappeared. Obviously I'm comment challenged today. And now senioritis is setting in and I'll be darned if I can remember it all. LOL
ReplyDeleteI'm a frequent reader who rarely comments. I guess that comments are the cyber equivalent of signs of acknowledgment in face to face conversations and we forget you can't see us nodding our heads or making noises of agreement or empathy.
I think your goal of finding validation from within is great but getting a boost from responses to what you've written is something we all seek. We don't live in a vacuum and although I don't blog I can imagine a blog entry without any comments feels like a one sided conversation.
Thank you for your honesty in your blog posts. I hope what you writes helps you progress toward any goals you set.
Okay, fumble fingers and bad proof reading. That should read "I hope what you write . . ."
DeleteOh Cathy, thank you for responding! I'm so glad to know that you are out there, if not commenting. I was talking to my housemate and reading him some of your comments and he led me into checking my stats where I saw that more people are reading than just those who comment. It's nice to know that people are listening, even if quietly.
DeleteI'm glad you appreciate what I write. I do try to be ridiculously honest, even if it doesn't always cast me in the best light. Because it wouldn't be honest even to myself if I did that, and it wouldn't be useful and true to the purpose of this blog.
And I fumble letters and words on blogs all the time!
Glad you learned about checking statistics. Right there, insight provided. Mostly I rely on you to give us insight, no numbers attached.
ReplyDeleteThank you, thea! Good to see you.
DeleteI don't often comment, either, and it's a time thing. I like to know what you're doing, and how you're doing, but there are only so many minutes in the day. I know this sounds awful, but I try to limit my time on the computer (otherwise I feel like I'm on it 24/7).
ReplyDeleteYour honesty is always compelling. Your sincere responses to others on BettyVerse is always worthwhile reading.
It's a strange world in blogland isn't? But I've always thought your postings were ways of dealing with what's going on in your life. It's like you have control over posting and control over what you want to say.
Sometimes it's hard to find our place in this world. This is your place, and whatever you want to do here is fine. Don't change your approach for readers. This is yours.
Anyway, I'll take this time to wish you all the very best, Merry Christmas, and all the best for 2014.
Be as kind to yourself as you are to others.
Susanne
Hey Susanne! Good to see you. I understand about feeling like you are on the computer 24/7 because I practically am. I applaud you for taking control over your computer time. I am working on doing that myself by turning off the computer at night and working on my novel again (finally!) and crocheting.
DeleteYou said a couple of things in your comment that really touched something in me. "[Y]ou have control over posting and control over what you want to say." This is a big one because I have control issues and one thing that anxiety and depression have in common is a feeling that one is helpless and has no control. What you say is such a great way for me to stay aware that I have control over something.
The other was your last line: "Be as kind to yourself as you are to others." I'm touched by this. I try to be kind; I'm gratified that I am perceived as being so. And yes, I need to apply what I give to others to myself as well.
You always have such thoughtful comments that give me perspective or clarity.Thank you for touching base!
You have a Merry Christmas and New Year and I'll see you on the other side (of the New Year)!
I try to comment whenever I get here, but I do occasionally miss a post. My blog gets a few comments (often less than 4!) for most posts, and yet it may get 50-100 views for those same posts. No comments doesn't necessarily mean no readers.
ReplyDeleteAnd we don't do shame here, missy!
I realized, after viewing stats, that more people come here than comment. The main thing is that I kind of got caught up in getting comments from people and lost sight of the real purposes of this blog. So I need to work on this self-validation thing.
DeleteAnd, yes ma'am. ;)