Solstice Epiphanies

Last night Griffin and I talked about the sleep problem I’ve had for some time. Basically, I average 4.5 to 5 hours of sleep a night. Not only is it bad for me in general, it’s particularly bad for the fibro. Unfortunately, this is a habit I settled into after Mom died, or maybe just after I returned to Houston. I had developed the habit previously off and on over a few years prior to that, but never quite as extreme as this and not for as long an ongoing period.

Griffin suggested I keep a diary. He suggested I note when I go to bed, what time I wake during the night, what time I return to trying to sleep, and my feelings at the time — I think he meant my feelings as I try to return to sleep, but I think I should do so when I first get ready to go to sleep, and maybe when I first wake, if appropriate. To this list I’m adding a) what plans I have for the next day and what time those plans are for, and b) any events of note that occurred during the day, especially the evening.

I went to bed at midnight. I woke at after 6 a.m. to go pee. Then I sat in bed and journaled, and the rest of this post came from that journal entry. I made some important realizations and am going to write up the appropriate ones into thank-you cards for Griffin and Sabine, each. The following is the majority of the entry, edited for clarity.

***

6:20 a.m.  12-21-13  YULE! SOLSTICE!

Realized earlier that I didn’t do much for a long time [after I moved to Seattle] because I was healing. I’d wanted to just be cared for during all those months and years after Mom’s death — was so tired and drained and hurting and scared for all that time. So I got here and [Griffin and Sabine] took care of me. I may have needed care for longer than we all expected, but I am finally coming out of this mental and emotional space and doing chores around the house. Griffin being temporarily less able spurred me.

I am feeling more healed, I realized. Something that was clenched inside of me has loosened. I still have a lot to work on, but maybe I am now better able to not only work more effectively but recognize my progress.


Maybe relearning dependence, then interdependence, was a lesson I’ve needed to learn. It’s like becoming a child again and growing up in a caring, accepting, sheltering environment. G&S are not going to let me fall. I finally accept and trust in that. Even though they both got a little impatient with how long it’s taken me to start contributing to the household [by doing my share of the tasks], they haven’t swerved in their loving, unconditional acceptance. I needed that. I feel safe and can relax, which will probably make it easier to do what I want and need to do and allow me to be more effective in what I do, from job-hunting to writing to forging better relationships to being dependable and rebuilding my integrity.

This feels really, really weird. I bet these realizations lower my anxiety a whole lot — quantum levels! Breaking old covalent bonds to form new, stronger, healthier ones!

I even just managed to catch an elusive metaphor that teased my mind and carry it out completely, rather than giving up and not pursuing it. Same with last sentence — it came to mind and I almost couldn’t’ fully form it, but I reached further and there it was! This is hugely exciting! Am I getting my brain back? If so, what is the mechanism? Is the Abilify working? Is the gabapentin change affecting me this quickly? Is it a combo with the lower Xanax? Is it a drop in my anxiety prior to this epiphany?

I can’t wait to explore this with Michele! In fact, I’m going to write a lot of this in my thank-you notes to G&S and probably post this whole entry to my blog.

Ouch. My stomach fluttered and tensed. I was flying pretty high on the wave and then I clenched. Why? Anxiety kicking at me, sure, but why?

Maybe afraid of feeling that good, ‘remembering’ that feeling good goes before a fall, that false idea. REMEMBER — there have been lots of times [good before a fall] didn’t happen, or the two things occurred far enough apart that I’m working hard to connect them. REACH! REMEMBER the times that were good and didn’t precede a ‘fall’. [Or falls that were not preceded by particularly good times, either.]

All things must end. As Sylvia Boorstein says, things come, they rise, then they pass away (paraphrasing here). Lots of times I’ve followed that normal sine wave of life. Sure, I’ve had an awful lot of big hits, traumas, and crises in my life, a larger than average amount of loss compared to my peers.

 The fact that some of the peaks were interrupted by tragedy is just so jarring, and I am so highly sensitive and a touch dramatic, magnifies both the effect and the association.

But there was my being confident enough to go to Britain alone for a month. Or to apply for and attend Clarion West. I knew going into Clarion that I would break up with Thom afterward, and that was a HUGE positive, a release, like getting out of prison. But then I clenched, wanted the ‘safety’ of that prison back, and spiraled into anxiety and depression [when I couldn’t have it].

I was doing well off and on [for a while] after Thom. [I rode on t]he high and the power of buying my own home. Then another crash with [Thom’s] hidden marriage that somehow felt like a betrayal and I don’t know why I felt so hurt and harmed and fell into despair.

Then I rose again. Painted my house. Had great, if short-lived, jobs. Was hugely confident even after discovering I’d made a hasty choice with Dan.

Mind you, I have indeed run into a lot of walls, most of them out of my control, such as the dot-com crash of ’01. That crash led to a lot of years of increasing financial insecurity, leading me to the dependent situation I’m in now.

I don’t see how I had other better options to choose. I tried finding better work in Portland and I couldn’t. I know I could have tried harder to find work in Houston and since I’ve been here, yet it also seems I did and have done the best I was capable of at the time. The huge changes I’ve made caused anxiety in me after I reached my goal, they wore me out, and I kind of froze up and didn’t have my full 100% to give.

My stomach is really tight and churning now. I must be doing deep work. I think I’m challenging the beliefs —incorrect beliefs — that have gotten wedged into my psyche over the decades. Challenging deeply held beliefs and world views is complex, difficult work. It provokes anxiety and a feeling of insecurity. But I know I’m right about the work I’m doing and the discoveries I’m making.

[Here my mind decided that I was running through the notebook pretty quickly and maybe I’d better keep in mind that I could run out of paper in this notebook. It worried at that though like a terrier with a rat, never mind that I am only a bit past halfway through this journal.]

I WILL NOT BE DISTRACTED! IF I RUN OUT OF NOTEBOOK HERE, I’LL START ANOTHER, NEW OR PARTIALLY USED!

SHEESH!!!

No, this is good. These reactions show that I’m challenging deep stuff inside myself, stuff — thoughts, feelings, assumptions, beliefs — that needs to be challenged.

I want to share all of this, immediately, with everyone. But to do so would mean I’d put all attention on me. And I’m spending time with M today and she’s grieving and hurting and needs the focus on her. If she needs distracting, I’ll share an overview of the realizations and work from this morning, but not great detail. I don’t want to monopolize the time and attention. I want to share it. I want to deepen my relationship with M, with all my relationships. That means telling my story, but also listening. A lot. Like I listened when I worked at NOAA and was quieter.

I can be quieter here, break old patterns, listen more and better, and not give the impression I’m drugged. I was overmedicated last year (and the year before). I’m much less so now. I can be a listener in a lively way. I can interact without interrupting. I can listen fully in an active way, with a warm smile and sparkling eyes.

My thumbs, hands, and wrists hurt. I’ve written 11 pages! Need to meditate some to decrease/release the anxiety this thinking triggered.

***

I tried to meditate, but it didn’t work. I got cold, so I burrowed into the bedding and the lights went out around me at some time after 8 a.m. I didn’t wake for another 2 hours, giving me almost a full 8 hours of sleep broken once for two hours. I awoke feeling good and not additionally anxious; I think I regained my wave of pleasure over the epiphanies I had earlier in the morning.

I am amazed at what I learned once I paid attention and write everything in my head onto paper. The act of writing is so different from the act of typing. I feel as if I think further and more deeply. I’m so glad this Solstice brought me some (en)light(enment)!