Wrestling with the Demons

Since making the decision to move back to Seattle, the anxieties, insecurities, and depression have gone into overdrive. Perhaps they would have done so if I'd chosen Houston, but I can't know. I just know that I have been struggling with my personal demons and they have been taking up all my time.

For much of the last week, I've been in a state of constantly clenching various muscle groups and having to consciously unclench them. It's been making me very uncomfortable in some areas; I have been dealing with the added stress of feeling a greater frequency and urgency to urinate.

So after a couple of days of these feelings and actions running rampant, I began practicing my cognitive skills again, as well as deep breathing and muscle relaxation. I began reminding myself that I've done scarier or riskier things, such as loading up my car and heading off for an unknown destination; or selling my car, taking out a loan, and going back to school while working part time — and having to basically find new work each quarter through my first year back at school. I once bought a house that needed major rehabilitation and I acted as the general contractor for the project, as well as doing all the tile work myself, as well as some of the flooring with friends and much of the painting with my mom. 

I have done major things before and succeeded. I have been out of work before and found new work. While I've gone through a great deal of money the past five years, I have survived being mostly unemployed for four years (the first one of the five was on purpose). So I can easily move back to a place I've lived before where I have a significant support network. I can re-embrace those things I liked about Seattle and reframe those things I didn't like. And I can find a job working in the industry I worked in for most of my professional career.

It's talk like this that has helped me come back, little by little this weekend, to a place where I am actually feeling better. I'm still clenching my muscles, but I can eat again. I didn't do anything much beyond do a little laundry and watch videos on Netflix, but my levels of anxiety and depression have decreased so that I have a smile on my face and even a little smile in my heart.

I know that I'm going to have to work very hard on this talk and reframing, especially as I move into actually doing things this week. I have about two months to get ready to move, unless I find work sooner than that, and there is a fair amount to do. Even thinking about all the things I have to do makes me breathe more shallowly and quickly. (Deep breathing break here.)

I may be asking a lot, but if any of you want to help, I could use daily reminders that I've done a lot of big things successfully in my life, and reminders to DO the stuff that needs to be done. (I would love to have physical help, too, just because it would keep me moving, but at least I'll have Sierra here helping me pack at the end.)

I will continue to wrestle, because such well-established issues as anxiety and depression don't give up easily or go away quickly. But I hope that every time I win will make the next go 'round easier and quicker.

I am doing this next big thing, and I am going to succeed. I know it.