I'm not where I said I'd be tonight. Instead of being at a very large event for a birthday party, I am sitting at home.
Why am I sitting at home? Well, two reasons, and then a third, which I just figured out. The first two are my introversion and my fibromyalgia. I'd worked through my introversion and decided I would go because I know a handful of folks who will be there. I figured I had that one beat. But maybe not, because my fibro flared up today, all along my left side, down my back to my ankle. Coincidentally (?), it is my left arm that I decorated with the temporary tattoo that came with the invitation (a cool brush-stroke dragon with a heart inside). Most likely, the stress of contemplating this event kicked up my fibro.
The third reason is related to my introversion: I am tired of going to big events alone. Generally, if I go alone to these things, even if I know several people, I still end up wandering around alone while others are with their significant others, their particularly good friends, and so on. I either play tag-along and feel awkward or I stand or sit uncomfortably and watch everyone else go by. I realized this after I decided not to go (and I'm waiting for the fibro to unflare but it hasn't gotten the memo yet).
There isn't anyone at this soiree who I have socialized with much if at all — most I know through my volunteer work. I would like to get to know them better, but it won't happen at an event like this. Most of them either have kids and will be staying close to the children's activities, or they are older and very outgoing and will be talking to dozens of different people as they mingle.
And I, outgoing only under very specific circumstances (and these are not those circumstances), would be wandering on my own, or having those quick little chats with those few people I know before they saw someone else they know that they haven't seen in ages and have to go talk to.
It comes down to the fact that I don't have a good time at large parties where I know few people and I don't have anyone of my own there with me. So I'm going to stop saying "yes" to such events because I hate working myself into such a state that my body has to step in and say "now you can't go" before I'll allow myself to stay home.
I'm not going to become a complete hermit. I'll still go to some professional networking meetings. I'll even go to smaller events where I know several people. But as of now I am giving myself permission to skip the big events that offer no enjoyment to me. I no longer have to think about my decision, which simplifies my life some (I don't get invited to too many of these things). And not having to think about my decision validates my sense of what is right for me.
I hope everyone else at the party, which started about 20 minutes ago, has a very good time, and my birthday wishes go out to Donna who turns 60. She sure as hell knows how to age well!
Hi there,
ReplyDeleteI stopped going to these types of functions because I just didn't enjoy myself and got tired of hanging around the door for a quick escape. I do better on a one-to-one which I find so rewarding. Someone once told me that after the age of 30, we don't have to say why we're not going, just something like, sorry, can't make it. After a while, it gets easier just to say that. In any case, good luck with your decision and for what it's worth, from my perspective it's a good one :) Lots of people enjoy larger functions. That's lovely. I don't. That's lovely, too :)
Susanne
In some of the "simplify your ilfe" books, they talk about things to say no to. This is definitely going to simplify mine if I can just say "no" and nothing else needs to be said. I have to struggle with my inner rationalizer who feels she must explain everything. But I don't. I really, truly don't.
DeleteOver explaining is one of the hardest habits I've had to break. And ultimately, only a few people really care about the "why". It truly has been liberating for me. I'm not rude or anything, I'll have a slight regretful tone in my voice, and manohman, it's been so nice. We can control number of people we want to be with. It has to be manageable for US, cause, yanno, we count too :)
ReplyDeleteSusanne
I have the same aversion to such things. And I mostly don't go. I made a similar decision some time ago. The only thing is, and I speak for myself alone here, I noticed that some people take my introversion as standoffishness or as snobbery. People whom I might like and want to get to know better. So I did decide that I would go once in a while. And, at first, when I would go, I'd do it certain that I was not going to have a good time. I was just making a sacrifice to make a point. But then I decided, well that's ridiculous. If I'm going, I can, at least be open to having a good time.
ReplyDeleteSo now, on the rare ocassions that I go, I try not to have negative expectations and sometimes I have a good time, sometimes not.
Whatever works for whoevers working it.
I figure it it's big enough that they won't even know if I showed up or not, I don't have to go. Or if it's an institutional thing, like a very large company party.
DeleteIf it's smaller, then I'll have to think harder about my decision. I have a tendency toward agoraphobia, so I have to work to not make it worse.
You are right: it's best to at least be open to having fun!
I can't endorse your decision. You've prejudged. Go and circulate, make light conversation with those you know, leave. You don't have to commit to the whole evening. Bet you will feel better at effort made. And at least it will give you something different to think about.
ReplyDeleteI can see your point. And my therapist had some other things to say about how to look at going to such events differently. (Apparently the latest term in therapy is "story" as in "tell yourself a different story than that you have issues and fibro and this and that; tell a story about how you can do this, etc.")
DeleteI'm still going to make judgements based on how large the event is and how many people I'll know, because I hate going to these things alone and I'm quite shy when I don't know people, but I can at least try to view the experience differently.
I'm not an introvert, but I generally dislike these kinds of parties too. All that small talk just feels like work. And at this point in my life, I feel no compunction in saying no. I know what I like, and what I don't like!
ReplyDeleteMy BFF, who generally posts anonymously and doesn't sign his comments, commented on how he and I always feel as if we need to justify our decisions to people. Anyone. Everyone. And why can't we just do what we want without any discussion, rationalization, justification. Not going actually hits one of my "shame triggers" (from the book for the e-course I'm taking). But going would also hit shame triggers so that one is a toughie. If only I'd remembered to apply my different therapeutic tools on Saturday instead of just being stuck in the issues!
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