I'm Rambling Blue Today

Today I have no umph. I don't care about much, I'm not particularly hungry but I was craving ice cream and cookies before lunch (peanut butter and butter on english muffins). There is a dark chocolate bar in the fridge but I don't have any real compulsion to go get it. I feel vague and kinda numb.

I'm feeling depressed.

Nothing specific I can think of, except that I am still struggling and needing therapy and meds (and the meds are probably forever, at least some of them). 

I even woke up feeling kinda good because my mom was in my dreams and it was her voice saying the kinds of things she would say (I think we were shopping). It felt nice waking up with her voice in my head.

But since then the day has gone downhill. I keep saying I'll go to the farmer's market on Thursdays (3pm to 7pm), but I don't want to today. I don't want contact with strangers. I want my mom, but that aside, I'd like to be with one of my close friends. Maybe they'd hold my hand and stroke my hair and tell me it's all going to be okay, because I feel like it's all going to be bad and just fall apart.

I know that Depression Lies (I read The Bloggess). But if you look at my life right now, depression seems right on the money. And money is one of the biggest problems. I can easily see me not having the ability to make money anymore because things are all new and different and I haven't kept up. I've been an editor, not a writer, for quite a few years now, and in government mostly where they don't do things differently from before.

I'm feeling old, fat, washed up, and useless. And throw in some anxiety, just for fun. I'm not saying this so that people will say "oh, no, you're not"; I'm saying it because it's how I feel right now and have been feeling. I haven't had a lot of successes to stand upon in awhile, to let me know I'm not those things. And my bad habits (no exercise, eating poorly) are proving difficult to change. 

But basically, I'm just feeling a general depression that is holding me down on the couch. I don't feel the energy to do anything, not even clean up around the couch. It's all just. too. much.

So I decided to whine about it online because hey, it's my blog and I can whine if I want to. But I'm telling you, being in therapy most of my adult life has gotten really old. I'm tired of it. Now I have all brand new types of therapies to try; old-fashioned talk therapy didn't do so much for me except here and there. Old-fashioned anti-depressants didn't do it either. So it's off with the old and on with the new and so far my progress can be measured in millimeters, if that.

I don't have time to make progress this slowly. I need to be up and running at peak performance NOW. I need to be able to find work and do my best work now, not when my therapy is done. I need money and recent experience and successes now.

Some friends to hold my hand and tell me it's okay right now would be nice, too. Some friends who are here. Some friends with empathy who won't try and fix it or tell me that maybe that writing/editing thing isn't working for me and maybe I should do something else. 

I don't have anything else I can do. I haven't even worked retail for 29 years. Can you imagine me as a barista? I hate the taste and smell of brewed coffee! I write. I edit. It's what I do. I don't want to manage, or work 50- and 60-hour weeks every week. I like the freedom of freelance, even if occasionally I have to pull a long week, at least I'll have time off or less work time in between.

I want to work. I need money to pay the bills and to eventually retire on (when I'm 90). I like to work. (Although I'd just do volunteer stuff if I won the lottery.)

This has been a ramble over hill and dale. I don't feel any more focused or anything, but at least I got it out and that is supposed to be good for you. 

We'll see.