It's Not Raining

I've heard from my friends that they have been worried about me and I don't blame them. I haven't been this deep in the Abyss for a while. I wondered if I was stuck there for good this time: each time it seems as if it will be forever.

Then Deb and I chatted on IM the other day. Deb supports me, cheers me on, gives me pep talks, and when she feels necessary, gives me come-to-Goddess talks. Using examples from her own life as well as her exquisite personal wisdom, she talked me through a point — out of a bubble? past a barrier? around and over a ledge on a vertical rock face? — and somehow into a better frame of mind.

I am not well, but I am better than I was last week, and that's enough for now. I am standing between rain storms and enjoying the white stratus clouds and wispy blue sky. And I am thinking about Deb's description of how to get out of the Abyss: a spoonful of dirt at a time.

I saw my psych on Wednesday. I wish I could see her every week, but because she is not covered by my new insurance I have to pay her myself so I've backed down to every other week. She liked the "spoonful of dirt" analogy and nodded her head sympathetically when I told her I was hoping it would be more like a dramatic breakthrough.

Michele gave me three things to do:

1. Engage with myself. When I am distracting myself or escaping, as in playing a game or reading in lieu of being aware or acting, re-engage in the moment and really be there. Don't escape. Don't distract.
2. What do I need? What do I want? I am very clear about what I don't need or want — I tell myself and others all the time. I don't want to keep living with my friends. I don't want to work on the Eastside. I don't want to change careers. In fiction, those are all considered "negative goals" and considered poor goals to set for your character. It's better to have positive goals, something to move toward rather than something to move away from.
3. I forgot. Of course this one is getting away from me. I'll remember it. Eventually.

These things all relate to Awareness and Mindfulness. Being present. Being positive. They are some of the spoons that will help me dig myself out of the Abyss.

I continue to work on my sleep. My sleep supplement, Tranquil Sleep, works very well. Too well. Two tablets is considered the standard dose. Two made me groggy for almost 24 hours. I've been taking one, but I still end up having difficulties waking up. So my new intention is to take half a pill and go to bed earlier (my eventual goal is to turn off my bedroom light between 10:30 and 11:00, but for now I'll be happy with midnight). And Michele recommended a second supplement for me, called NAC. Once that arrives (we ordered it from Amazon), I'll start on that. It's supposed to help with memory and mental clarity, with energy, and with depression. It's another pill, but not another "potential side effects include death" sort of pill.

I need to begin working on two more things: exercise/movement, and writing on my novel or any other fiction thing that comes to mind. I need both of those to become well and maintain wellness. And yet pursuing them remains elusive.

So. I'm doing better. Not well, but better. It rained yesterday and it may well rain tomorrow, but today it is not raining and the sky is a lovely pale blue. My life is in color again.

Worry not, my friends. I'm getting by. I'm digging my way out, one spoonful of dirt at a time.

I still really wish I could use a backhoe.