From a Place of Fear

While lying in bed, trying to make myself get out of bed, I spent some time musing about why I am at such a low place in my life. I have less than $3000 in the bank. I still need to find work. I generally stay in bed until noon or 1. I take a shower about every 5 days or so (I often lose track). I haven't finished my initial read-through on my novel; I read over half of it about a week ago and haven't touched it since. I don't exercise. I don't go for walks. My diet is crap.

Why? I, who have done so many different things in my life and who have made major changes and gone on to success, am stuck and passive. I am afraid. It all comes down to fear.

Detailing each individual fear connected to each individual lack is no longer useful: I believe it's all fused into one solid, darkly shining ball of fear and either it has overwhelmed me past my ability to cope or I have surrendered to it or both. Even that doesn't matter anymore. What matters is that virtually everything I do comes from or passes through a place of fear; fear controls me.

Inside, I want someone to save me. I want someone to take my hand and lead me out of bed early in the morning, lead me through exercise, make sure I eat fruit and vegetables, sit with me while I go through my novel, help me look for work (actually, I want someone to either hand me a job or tell me exactly the right work I should be doing right now), and make sure I go to bed early enough at night.

I don't think I've ever been this passive before in my life, no matter what trials and traumas I've faced. I feel ashamed.

I want to be active. I want to be in control of my own life. I want to make my choices from a positive place. I want to be strong and happy and healthy. I want abundance in all good things. I want to have enough money for all that I need and want, including enough so I can live on my own again, independently and comfortably. This doesn't seem like too much to want.


It's possible that my internal "muscles" have gotten flabby and atrophied from lack of use: my action muscles, my push-myself muscles, my strength-against-adversity muscles, my I-can-do-it muscles. So how do I build them back up?

Well, my best friend in Houston told me how he built himself up physically following his triple bypass surgery. Given a small set of basic exercises (sit-ups, push-ups, squats, and heel lifts), start slow and work up slowly. On day 1, do one of each exercise. On day 2, do two, and so on. This is what I did a year and a few months ago and I built up until I was doing three sets of 30 reps for the squats, push-ups (against a counter, but it counts), and heel lifts, and three sets of 22 for the sit-ups (it was hard to build up as quickly for those). I had muscle tone and I felt very good about myself in that way. I was not doing the other things I wanted to do, but I was doing those exercises and I felt good about them. I stopped them when my friend Sierra came to help me pack for my move and then there just wasn't time to do them again until I arrived in Seattle. I let myself rest up from the trip and as yet haven't finished "resting" or made myself start exercising — or anything — again.

My shame is probably helping to hold me back at this time. Once you enter the shame spiral, it becomes a self-fulfilling state. Shame and fear, shame and fear: I feel buried beneath them, overwhelmed and smothered

So what can I do? How do I get out from under the fear and the shame? How do I get my life back?

Baby steps. Spoonfuls of dirt. Yeah, I can do a whole-life reboot (and contrary to Anonymous's comments on my previous post, I do think I need to and can (theoretically) do it, but it's going to be slower than I'd like. Just like everything in my life right now.

I have very patient and generous housemates. And I'm going to need to borrow money, which pains me more than I can express.

I have to do this myself. I think it's okay to have help, but not to the level I've been wanting it. I used to be internally motivated. I don't know what changed to make me externally motivated, but I need to change it back. The only way I will be able to make my life be what I want it to be, the only way I'll be able to become the person I want to be, is by moving myself from within, finding my answers from within, pushing and pulling and leading myself from within. I can find inspiration from others. I can get help from others. But I'm the only one who can do the actual work. And I feel so tired all the time.

Yes, I know. I need to eat well and to exercise in order to have energy.  I know what I need to do. Well, most of it anyway. My problem has been doing it. And I'm sure there are still some things I don't know (I know, hard to believe). Most likely my psych will fill me in where necessary.

It's hard to believe that this person I'm inhabiting is me. It's hard to believe that this life I'm living is mine. This isn't me. This isn't my life, not my right life. But at this point I feel as if I've lost the thread of my life, as if I've lost me. I don't know where I lost it all, so I don't know where to pick up the threads.

And that's why the life reboot I talked about in the previous post is necessary. I feel as if I don't know who or what I am, what I want, what I need, what life I want to live (well, I kind of know that last one, but I'm not sure if I can get it). So little makes sense to me anymore.

Fear of pain. Fear of failure. Fear of being alone. They aren't empty fears: I've been living them intensely for the past few years. I can't tell myself they aren't real.  I have to find a way to function in the face of my fears, in the face of the very real things I'm afraid of. That's hard, and I feel weak. I feel that I have failed at all the challenges I've faced for several years, so I wonder how I'll be able to succeed at overcoming my fears, finding myself, and creating a new life. I know it's supposed to be bit by bit, I just don't know if I'm capable anymore. And isn't that the biggest fear? I wonder if I'm even capable of life.