When I was a child, bedtime was a pleasure I looked forward to. When it was time to go to bed, I went happily, looking forward to resting and dreaming. Even though I was prone to nightmares and night terrors that my parents didn't even know about, I still had more good dreams than bad and I looked forward to each new day.
Fast forward a few decades. The summer of 2007, I wasn't working and it was one of the most glorious summers ever on the Oregon Coast. Temperatures ranged from 75 to 85 most days, with sun and a bit of a breeze and I spent almost every day walking down the hill to the beach, walking up and down the beach, including into the breakers, and then walking back up the beach. I was in good condition, I was losing weight, and I was actually enjoying myself, but I wasn't going to bed until between 2 and 3 am every night. This was highly unusual for me: I hadn't pulled all-nighters or even super-late-nighters in college!
That summer, I was staying awake late because I had created an enormously detailed imaginary life and I stayed up every night into the wee hours living and creating that life. The people sharing that life with me were so real, with complete life histories and backstories. It was beautiful. Every night I would turn off all the lights in the house, turn on some music, light some candles all over my bedroom, and watch the moon wash across my bed and the floor in the room outside my door. And I would dream.
This imaginary life bothered my therapist. She was afraid I was hiding from reality within it. It wasn't until a conversation in mid-summer that she suddenly said "I get it now! Your mind needs to be occupied and it's so unused right now that you need to do something with it." And that was, in great part, why I stayed up late every night dreaming. Once I went back to doing some work and thinking about what I wanted to do next, the imaginary life just melted away.
Fast forward another few years. I've returned to Houston after getting things moving with my mom's estate. I'm miserable: lost, rudderless, and more alone than I've ever been in my life. My closest friend in Houston was rearranging things in his life, in particular his marriage, and he no longer made time to do things with me other than a few days in the Spring to go photograph birds and the occasional lunch. I spent my time — all day, every day — surfing the web. I stayed up far into the night more often than not, not because I had an imaginary life I loved but because I had a real life I despaired of and I stayed up late to put off having to begin another new day.
The only thing I looked forward to was therapy. Other than that one hour a week, I would have been fine being unconscious for the other 167 hours. But instead of sleeping for hours and hours, I was awake for hours and hours into the night to try to avoid waking up the next day. It didn't make sense, but that's how I felt. It became a habit, but the habit was reinforced by the fact that even when things started getting better, i still didn't look forward to the next day. Not at all. Not ever, other than a few special occasions (Hi, Sierra!).
Eventually, I moved and started over. Again. Not the first, or the second, or even the third time I've changed my life entirely. Now I'm in a nice house, living with people who care about me and who don't allow me to buy groceries or pay for rent or utilities. I'm close to friends I've known for 30+ years, plus my fake nephew and niece who enjoy my company. The weather has been beautiful since I've been here. I'm meeting people and I even have a good part-time freelance job that challenges my mind. But I still don't want to face tomorrow. I still put off going to bed (only occasion until 3 am or later), and not just out of habit. I run out of things that interest me on the internet (yeah, I know, I just have to find something new), but I still stay up, refreshing a blog post one more time to see if there are new comments to read, or rereading the news headlines to see if something new has occurred (even though I really don't like the news). I just don't look forward to living my life.
So I'm tired during the days: I don't get much exercise and I often stay up far too late. I expose my eyes, and thus my brain, to bright light too late in the evening, which represses the melatonin that normally makes one go to sleep. I don't take pleasure in my days, my evenings, or my nights.
Today in therapy we talked about why I haven't been doing my therapy work much outside of my therapy appointments. We ended up talking about my lack of energy, then my poor bedtime habits and sleep routines. And we decided to start small: instead of a larger set of ideas and behaviors to address for this coming week, I am just going to address bedtime: my routines and my "sleep hygiene" — no bright lights late in the evening; going to bed earlier; doing something pleasurable instead of web surfing, such as reading a novel or one of the three books I call my inspirational books (the reading of which would also help me attain a better mental state as well); having a calm and comfortable bedroom (pick up the pile of stuff on the floor and deal with it and put it away). No hurry, no fuss, no falling asleep over my laptop (yeah, one of my housemates has been having to wake me up from that a few times recently).
I need to focus on the immediate goal: go to sleep earlier and sleep better so I can feel better the next day. I don't have to look forward to tomorrow; that's not part of this work. I might even be able to break that link between when I go to bed and whether or not I'm looking forward to the morning, which would be a good thing for me. I can address looking forward to my days and my life later.
So I'm to work on these parts of this new routine. I need to make sure I do something that gives me pleasure during this routine, so I can start looking forward to it. And if I have difficulties getting into this routine, then I need to look at why. Why am I having difficulty? What would make the routine more doable? What purpose does surfing the web serve? Am I enjoying how I'm spending my time. I can tell you right now: I don't enjoy the time I spend forcing myself to surf and stay awake late. And that's just a silly way to spend my time.
I've given my housemates permission to nag me about getting off the computer by 9 or 9:30 and to go to bed by 11 (to begin with). I'm looking for an application that would disconnect me from the internet at a certain time each night, forcing me to stop my incessant and useless surfing. I'm setting more alarms on my phone to remind me.
Setting up these habits has great potential for good in my life. Returning to reading my inspiration books could help me get to a better place in my mind and my life. And sleeping more, and better, could lead to having more energy, which could lead to my doing more than I want or need to do. Even if I don't immediately start looking forward to a new day, I can see myself at least not dreading it. And that would be a very good change.
I'm having trouble with my sleep hygiene lately, too. I know I should change things, I just can't bring myself to do it. I like your plan, though. It sounds like it could help and I hope it does. You deserve to look forward to your days. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteIt can be hard to change sleep and bedtime habits. When I lived in my apartment in Houston, I made my bedroom tidy and relatively clear of stuff. (my bedside table was a bit cluttered.) And I always made my bed, which was basically white sheets and pillow cases and white blankets. It was very serene and relaxing.
DeleteHere, livng in my friends' guest room, I have stuff all over on the floor and on top of the yet unpacked items taking up floor space. Definitely need to change that. An uncluttered bedroom helps me wind down for sleep. Maybe that would help you?
These small steps sound workable. Last year I unplugged from the computer for a week, then limited my surfing when the week was over. I also worked with a writing coach and that really resonated with me and I had the most productive month ever because I was focused on what I needed to do (as opposed to be focused on me).
ReplyDeleteThe internet is like too much TV isn't it? Or reading too many magazines. (I haven't watched TV in my home in about 30 years and I rarely miss it. But man, when I had it, I LOVED it. I remember watching Orsino Hall and other shows long into the night and then being tired for work. Not good.) The internet habit -- the draw of the computer -- is so tough to limit your time on, but you can do it.
Small steps are the way to go. When you mentioned refreshing the comments section I laughed to myself because I do this too. What's new on Refab? What's new on the Bettyverse? So maybe trying to log into the comments in the morning, and then early evening -- and that's it. I was shocked when I realized how those minutes added up.
We don't know one another, but I have followed your life here. Sometimes I wish you'd be as kind and understanding and sensitive to yourself as you are to others. Your comments to other posts are always so genuine and caring. The depth of your compassion is deep and true.
I've been thinking about your comment about looking forward to the new day -- it really made me pause to think. Maybe your approach could be different (I don't look forward to the new day -- it just comes). Maybe you could try thinking about the day you've had, and what you've done and what pleasure you had -- even small stuff like a good cup of coffee. I only offer this as an alternative because it seems as though you've got a good therapist. But if the suggested approach doesn't work, try mine.
One of the things the writing coach had me do is to develop a mantra at night, and mine was "I've done the best I could with what I had and I tried."
Anyway, this post turned out to be all about me, but know that there are people like me that are rooting for you, and have faith that you'll find your path.
Wishing you solid sleep...
Susanne
Susanne, I like when you write about yourself and your life and your experiences! I consider the blog comments part of a conversation. Plus, it's always good to get another person's perspective, especially from a person as caring and insightful as you are. I always enjoy your comments.
DeleteI really like your suggestions. Having even small pleasure to look forward to would be a simple and, hopefully, easy first step to build upon. And I like your mantra! I need to develop something similar. And return to my gratitude journaling and my affirmations I used to do, years ago. I think they helped.
I will try to be kinder to myself. Thank you for your very kind words: I appreciate them and they mean a lot to me.
I didn't go to sleep on time last night, or get off the computer early, and I woke up for a while between 4 and 5 this morning. I may take a nap later, in the middle of working at home. But tonight is another night and I will try harder to get the computer turned off earlier!
Susanne--excellent thoughts!
ReplyDeleteSkye,I have my own struggles with sleep, and one of my goals for the upcoming 3-day weekend is to go to bed early and sleep late if I am tired. And to stay off the computer as much as possible, because like you, I find that to be one of the biggest issues with getting to bed at a reasonable hour.
I started, a couple of months ago, staying off the computer on the weekends except for writing, and checking my primary email (the one used by friends). It really helped!
Man, I've been an internet junkie since 2007 or 2008. It would probably be good for me to be off the webz now and then, but I think that would be an even harder addiction for me to kick than sugar is! Maybe I could start with one day and see how it goes.
DeleteI'm glad you are finding that it has helped you! Plus, you got SO much writing done!
Hi Skye, I found your blog via your link from Refab. I am not much of a commenter on any of the blogs. However this current post of yours really resonated with me, to the point where I thought I would respond in case it helps at all.
ReplyDeleteYour comments to others at Refab, here and elsewhere have always impressed me because they present as coming from someone who is thoughtful, considerate, and inherently ‘giving’. I wish for you that the universe will reciprocate in kind and support and nurture your gentle spirit so that you continue to find and take the steps that will be your pathway to gaining the fulfilling life that awaits you. I know that even the smallest things seem so much effort when we are struggling mentally, so do try and cherish all the 'positives' you achieve each day in all areas.
If it helps at all, after reading your post, I have decided I will metaphorically ‘walk with you’ and thus set myself a goal of shutting down the laptop (being a luddite this is the only internet and email access I use) by 10.30 pm commencing this week and dial it back by 30mins a week until I get it down to 9 pm. My ultimate goal is to get to bed earlier so hopefully I get more sleep and then I may be more likely to get up and go for a walk in the morning. ‘Bird by bird’ for that outcome.
Also each evening before I shut down I will send out a ‘shout out’ of positive thoughts and support for you.
Take good care of you Skye – you do deserve it.
Best wishes, Elisabeth
Hey Elisabeth! Wow, thank you for all your kind words! I am elated that you are going to metaphorically walk with me this week and the following weeks! What a tremendous idea and I appreciate it. I will make sure to keep my mind open for your 'shout outs' every evening.
DeleteThanks so much for commenting here today. I think it was just what I needed.
Hiya, Skye just thought I should clarify, my shout outs will come your way in the am your time (there is about 15 hours time difference) as I live in the southern side (Australia) of this amazing planet.
DeleteWhen the sky is clear I will go outside and look towards the Southern Cross (my favourite constellation) or the moon if it is looking blooming and sassy; and send my thoughts to you via their wonderment in the hope they will be even more powerful on those occasions.
Take good care of yourself, Elisabeth
I do find I'm more prone to depression if I've gone to bed too late. You'd think that would be disincentive enough!
ReplyDeleteI suppose the other way to try to combat "I don't want tomorrow"-tude is the whole mindfulness thing. Focusing on the present moment. As you know, I've used that a LOT this past year to keep control of my anxieties. Or even when I'm bored at work. "My feet are sore, the counter is very blue and feels cool under my hand, I can hear a child playing with a toy piano..." Just a couple minutes of that, and then my mind is turned away and onto some new track, and my day continues. Usually. ;-)
Anyway, fgbvs, best of luck!!!
Mmm, I like your use of a few minutes of mindfulness to bring yourself back into a better mental space!
DeleteMindfulness, when I practice it, has a HUGE effect on me. You'd think that would be incentive enough to practice it! :) I'm going to return to reading Thich Nhat Hanh's Miracle of Mindfulness, in bits and pieces before bed, along with a couple of other books that have a similarly beneficial effect on my mental states and how I live.
Doing things that make me feel better and not doing things that make me feel worse: it seems so reasonable and easy. *rolls eyes* Okay, I'm turning over a new leaf TONIGHT! (Because I hugely regret not doing ANY work on my freelance gig, putting me even further behind because I seem to have a compulsion to sabotage my efforts at success these days.)
Thank you very much for sharing the mindfulness practice. I like it.
And FGBVs and good luck to you, too! Hope all is going well.