Y'know, when I first set out to move back to Seattle, I was full of confidence about finding work back in high tech. I had a long history of high tech and I'd done a lot of extreme editing of scientific materials and I'd broadened the types of writing I've done with my various projects in Houston. Fantastic, right?
So now I am in Seattle and I've settled in and begun networking and looking for work. I've joined meetup groups in Content Strategy, Information Architecture/User Experience (IA/UX), general technology, and so on. I've gone to their meetup events. And my confidence has been pouring out of me like blood from an open arterial.
For example, last night I went to a Content Strategy meetup with my friend. The first presentation was fairly basic and I didn't really find it that informative or interesting, but the presenter was pretty excited about it so that made it okay. The second presentation was exciting, entertaining, and … confusing. I may have taken in about 10% of what the guy was talking about. The fellow to my right, an engineer and writer, had the opinion that the presentation was fairly content-free. I felt like I was too stupid to understand it, because everyone else seemed to really like the presentation. On the way home, I expressed my feeling and the other guy's opinion to my friend and he asked me what points I was confused about or what questions I had because maybe he could answer them. I only had one basic question because the rest of the presentation didn't make enough sense to me for me to even have questions I could articulate. I know I've been out of the high-tech biz for a while, and that things that used to be just what tech writers did are now their own professional niches with their own jargon, but I expected to be able to understand a hell of a lot more than what I did last night!
Secondly, I am not getting responses to job applications, other than the one where a friend submitted me via his company's employment referral system, probably because I've been out of high-tech for so long. There's a lot of jobs I'm not even applying for because of not having a few of their Required qualifications: specific programming languages, specific tools. I'm very happy to be here, but maybe I'm too out-of-date, too old. But if I'm not writing and editing, I don't know what else I can do. And honestly, I need to be working a professional job in high tech to be able to afford a decent apartment now and a decent house someday in this area. Besides all the other typical living expenses.
Yes, I have found a part-time freelance job, or rather, it found me. But it's taken me three weeks (okay, three part-time weeks, but still) to truly get up to speed on the information and how they want it presented for this first project and I've just been revising the existing stories written by someone else. I haven't even begun to write original text yet and I'm as nervous as my housemates' cat about doing so. What if I can't do this anymore? What if my work sucks?
I know that this kind of negative thinking isn't useful, but it's also a fact that these are the thoughts going through my mind, and these are the feelings I've been experiencing.
Confidence comes from accomplishment — I know that. But many more things dry up one's confidence, and I've had much more of them than I've had of accomplishment over the past few years.
I've been reading inspirational things that say to give up fear and doubt to lead a serene and joyful life, to "just do it" to develop confidence, but those things are unreasonably difficult for me to do. Doubt, fear, and a lack of trust (both general and specific) have been my companions since I was a toddler, except for some notable exceptions in time and situation or skill. I've been pursuing happiness via therapy, inspiring books, visualization, and positive thinking for more than half my life, so "just doing it" hasn't succeeded either. It's downright discouraging!
I suppose all of this is why I haven't been blogging much. I don't feel as if I've done, or even thought, anything of interest. I don't even feel like I'm making any progress in therapy; of course, it's still new with this therapist.
I feel small and weak.
Of course I will continue working the freelance job and putting all my effort and more hours into it. I'll keep going to therapy and try to find ways to work on what seems to be nebulous goals and skills. I'll keep networking and applying for jobs. But without some tangible accomplishment or success, I'll probably still feel like I'm standing at the bottom of my confidence, feeling it pour down upon me like a waterfall.
What do you do if and when you feel anything like what I've described?
http://www.ted.com/playlists/77/new_to_ted.html
ReplyDeleteFor one thing, I do this. It works, and it's very simple.
You are doing what you need to be doing, getting back in there and educating yourself. You're still wicked smart, you're still brave. Remember who you are, remember it was bound to be uncomfortable re-immersing yourself, remember you can do it.
Now, please send this to me, I need it, too!
Maine Betty
MB, thank you. I will spend some time today remembering. And I'll listen to this link.
DeleteYou're still looking for work, too, right? Well yes, I'll send it right back to you: you are brilliant, you're brave (you moved across the country after all!). Remember yourself: you're nice, you're funny, you're great at what you do. Remember you can do it and much more!
FGBVs, baby!
Wow, thanks! I did need that!
DeleteMB
Big hug on feeling small and weak. Think about this though -- anyone who has gone through what you have is anything but.
ReplyDeleteYou asked what we do when we feel like you described. I make lists. Never used to, but times change and so do we. But I just make a list for the important stuff. And then I focus on one thing and one thing only because there's too much going on if I'm not careful.
Susanne
Great reminder, Susanne. It's when I feel this way that I most need reminding of what I've survived and what I've done. Thanks!
DeleteAnd I, too, am more distractable than I used to be. Don't know why, except that maybe there are so many more distractions: email, the web, cell phones, text messages, more projects required at work, etc. I need to use to-do lists more effectively, that's for sure!
Recently I'm finding "things done" lists to be more useful than "to do" lists. I do have to-dos, one at my office and several for my personal life. But a "things done" list gives me such satisfaction! I didn't waste my day - look at all the stuff I caught up on so I can tackle a new thing tomorrow. I didn't waste my weekend - I did 6 loads of laundry and some cooking as well as finding time for relaxation. Or whatever.
ReplyDeleteI like this idea! Reminding ourselves of our accomplishments, acknowledging and being mindful of them, are probably very effective ways to maintain confidence and satisfaction and awareness. That might be a very good thing for me to do every night before I go to bed. I also need to return to writing down five things I'm grateful for each day as well, something else that helps keep me centered and feeling better.
DeleteThanks so much for the idea!
LRS,
DeleteYES! There are times when I think, what did I do today? And when I think back, I think, oh yeah, that's what I did!
Susanne
Hang in there, kiddo! Sometimes a plan doesn't go exactly the way we thought it would. Sometimes that just means you need to give it more time. Sometimes, that means you need to look at things differently and maybe come up with a new plan.
ReplyDeleteYou're talented, smart, and very accomplished! You just need time to get back in the swing of things.
FGBVs (to Maine Betty, as well) for finding the right job at the right time.
Hey Deb. With the wonderful feedback I'm getting from you and everyone, I'm going to try and open up my plan to allow different things in. I appreciate your belief in me: it means a lot to me.
DeleteThanks.
Skye, I firmly believe in your ability to rise to the new hi tech developments and do everything brilliantly. The wobbly confidence is natural, I think.
ReplyDeleteWhen I have a crisis in confidence I try to remember that I'm not wrecking the world if I don't hit the bull's eye every single time.
You can do it, Skye!
Mary, your beiief in me means a lot! I like your thought about how you're not wrecking the world if you don't hit the bull's eye. I do fall into black&white thinking when I'm stressed.
DeleteThank you.
Reading this, I'm thinking back to when you still kept your other blog. Of how dark things were. I kind of remember one description of, like, a dark matter spreading out over your inner landscape.
ReplyDeleteYou've already done SO much. You've worked really, really hard to get here. It's paid off. Your work will continue to pay off. It's just hard to see the forest for the trees.
When I first came to Nanaimo, I was hoping to find a non-retail job cause I wanted to get into something new. But with no office experience, I only got two interviews, two nibbles, no job. When I saw the posting for Salvation Army Thrift Store I thought, well, if I need to go back to retail, this sounds alright.
Once I was in the job I realized how mentally messed up I still was, from all the depression and stress. My brain was foggy. I'd find myself putting a short sleeved shirt in the long sleeved section and think: I am SO glad I'm at a job where the worst I mess up is put this shirt in the wrong place. I realized that a more complicated job might very well have been out of my skill set at that time.
The people I work with are really KIND, and they're gentle, and the main woman I work with (friends with) is New Agey so she's there to say all the right things and dispense hugs. I really feel like I landed in the right job for that time in my life.
So as I now think ahead to moving back to Montreal and job hunting again, I'm reminding myself that if I keep an open mind, and spread my net wide, I can find something *right* again. Even if it's not what I pictured or hoped or imagined. Being a spiritual person, I think of it as: The Universe knows shit about me that I don't. ...Secularly, I think it's safe to say that your mind and body know things that you're not conscious of knowing. If you give them some scope to work without your consent, they might lead you to possibilities you haven't considered.
In other news, I admire you for going to meet up type things. That takes the kind of energy/initiative I often lack.
Go! Go! Go! :-) xxxx ooooo
A couple of other people have suggested the same thing, that maybe things won't go as I'd planned & expected but in some new and more suitable way. So I'm trying to be patient and go with the flow.
DeleteI've had a really bad couple of days (I'll email you and we can trade stories!), but my friends (and I forgot to include you on the email --- I'm sorry, I'll email it to you, too) have rallied 'round and been a cheering section to help get me through it. And Deb has suggested that I need to just work at this part-time, flexible freelance job for a while longer just to get me back into the working world a bit more gently. She's probably right.
Thank you for reminding me of the Dark Time. I sometimes forget how far I've come. I forget the ways I've been strong and the times I've been brave. It takes friends or my therapist to remind me.
Going to the meetups is easier because Steve goes with me. Or rather, pulls me along. We don't always go to all of them we sign up for, but we go to most. And I am making contacts. I'm just feeling impatient to get to my own space. :)
Thank you so much for your words. They make a difference!
xoxoxoxo