Stumbling on the Road

So my January 1 post was positive and optimistic and forward-looking. That's a very good thing. Unfortunately, I have not been positive and optimistic. Since I've gotten home from my trip to Seattle, I've been kind of depressed, kind of blue.

At first I thought it was just the fatigue that comes from traveling and being with people 24/7, but it hasn't gone away. My sleep is messed up. I've only exercised once (although I think I overdid it and I still am very sore from it). I'm not eating well. And I'm not doing anything but surfing the web and going to appointments and doing necessary errands.

So I pondered what could be causing it. Well, it's been gray at home since I've been back, and cold, and rainy for much of it. It was that way in Seattle, too, but there my friends had lots of windows so that even gray light seemed like light. And I didn't even have my light box. At home, I live in a cave for all intents. I live on the first floor and cannot open my blinds all the way because then people could see in. If it's sunny outside, I can at least turn the blinds all the way so the light comes in and no one can see in because it's darker inside than outside. But on gray days I have all my lights on and it's lighter inside than outside so it would be just like being in a fish bowl. So I don't have windows letting in the natural, if gray, light.

I miss my friends in Seattle. I remind myself that I would not be living with any of them if I moved up there, but I would see them with some regularity and frequency (but not every weekend, most likely). And here I have only seen the people in my apartment office, briefly, the people at the dermatological surgeons' office, and my psych, briefly. And the brief contact with the people at the pharmacy and grocery store. No real connections.

Being home, reality sets in. I am still unemployed and I feel rather listless and unmotivated about looking for work given how unsuccessful I've been. I feel more motivated (slightly) about looking for work in Seattle. I've got to write that manual for my volunteer thing but I'm unmotivated because I find myself not caring as much. I haven't been treated the same since my 2011 breakdown. Plus, I totally forgot to do an editing project for them: I blame my worry about the skin cancer possibilities because it was for that week. So I'm going to sit myself down for a couple of days and write the damned thing and get it out for review.

Do I want to move to Seattle? A large part of me says Yes! Yes! There are all these areas in the Greater Seattle area that feel like small towns surrounded by city. And let's face it, The Greater Seattle area has maybe a little over a million people, which includes the east side and north and south. The Greater Houston area is 90 miles across (that would encompass from Seattle to Bellingham) and contains about 4 million people. Sure, your 45 to 60 minutes of driving get you further than they do in Seattle, but it's so damned big it's intimidating. Living in the city really doesn't appeal because of the sheer density. In the Seattle area, there are definitely pockets of greater density and pockets of lesser density, but nothing on the level of Houston, for all that Houston has so much room to spread out.

But there is the weather. Sure, the weather in Houston right now is like the weather in Seattle right now, but that's not always the case. And the weather in Seattle these days is not the weather that I experienced for most of the 22 years I lived there: I was informed about some decadal oceanic current that changes the climate every 20 years or so and it has returned the climate to more snow, more rain, and cooler temperatures. That also explains the Oregon Coast weather changes. 

I do love sunshine, but I have lost my enthusiasm for over-85-degree weather for more than a couple of days here and there. I like to putter in a garden, but don't want a high-maintenance one (or maybe having over 8000 sf of yard was just a little too much for me). I think that my ideal climate is somewhere down on the southern Oregon Coast or in Northern California, but I cannot afford California and there isn't much work on the Oregon Coast. Maybe once I am making money as a freelance writer or telecommuter. Or if I actually start publishing and making enough to live on — frugally. I can dream.

I don't want to live in another place where I have to start making friends all over again. I want to be in a place where I have friends who love me. Most of them live in Seattle. Is it ideal? No. Is living in Houston ideal? Only in the spring.

Okay, I wandered away from being blue to whether or not to move to Seattle, but that decision is spinning around in my head all the time now and probably is contributing to my blues and my anxiety. Dropping the Abilify is probably contributing to my struggling a bit with feeling down, but as my feet have stopped their constant movement, I'll learn to deal with feeling down and handle it myself. Besides, I think it is good for me to learn to handle it without large amounts of drugs. Having to have surgery, even if it is kind of minor surgery, to remove the basal cell cancer on my nose certainly doesn't thrill me and I hated having to ask someone if they could take me there, wait for me, and bring me back, but the only person I could think of is delighted to do this for me, which takes the edge off of my hating to ask for help.

I'm glad I'm going back to therapy on Monday: I feel a real need for some help and direction and focus to address all that's going on inside and outside of me. If I can maintain some focus on my own, I'm going to work on applying all the stuff I've learned to how I'm feeling. But maintaining focus is part of the problem, too.

Things are just kind of tough emotionally right now. I know that I will make it and I keep reminding myself that it is temporary. I just am not happy right now. I will feel better again. Just don't know when.