Irrational Thinking, the Scarcity Mindset, and Cognitive Therapy

I am afraid. I'm afraid of many things, few of them rational. Some of them even have names. One of the things that most occupies my fear at the moment is that I'm going to run out of money and have no options. This is called a Scarcity Mindset. It's a little rational to think that I'll run out of money because I'm not working and the inheritance will last for only so long. But it's not rational to the extent that I fear it. I'm almost paralyzed with it.

It doesn't help that, for almost two years, I've been almost incapable of holding down a job. I worked at that contract job and called in sick way too often, just out of the stress of working and commuting when I was still recovering from my grief.

I'm capable of working a regular job now. I'd rather work freelance, but I think I can work something more normal. It would be best if it could be on a contract so I could get paid by the hour and extra for more than 40 hours a week; I don't want to work all those extra hours without extra pay anymore. I'm too old for that shit.

So here I am, looking for work on craigslist and the freelancer's association job list and LinkedIn and not finding anything or at least not getting even any messages back and I'm thinking maybe I need to find an office job (not like there aren't already enough office workers looking for work out there) or a retail job or something just so I can earn some money. I need to find work. I need an income. And I'm terrified that I won't find work and that I'll end up stone-broke. 

But this is something that cognitive therapy is designed to work with.

In the past, I have always found work, before I came here. Since coming here, my self-confidence has been low for a lot of reasons, some of which I actually know. Then, since Mom died, I've been a car wreck. But when I lived in Seattle, I worked even when my life sucked. So I know I can do it. I know I can find work because I have before. If I end up doing work I don't love for awhile, it will be okay because at least I'll be making money so I can pay off debts and put together badly needed savings. It will be okay to do work I don't love for a couple of years. Then I can look for work I do love. By then, maybe I'll have a great freelance career going. Maybe I'll have decided to move. But I know I can find some kind of writing or editing work.

Even if I go broke, my friends up north will let me stay with them until I find work and get on my feet again. They've said so. I believe them. They would even help me get up there if necessary. And I'm sure there are people here who would help me get rid of what I have down here. I'm sure I would find help.

I can decrease one of my expenses by a lot if I get my taxes for last year done and have a number for filling in a form. This is something I have the power and ability to do. I might be able to decrease another expense with a phone call. But certain expenses are kind of expensive but necessary, too, such as my iPhone, so I can get my email no matter where I am, and my internet at home because the internet is how I find and do work. So keeping my rent low-ish (i.e., not moving closer to the city) is important, even if I have to commute for longer. I have learned a lot about how people with a low income have to live, like living further from work, spending more time away from  home, and so on.

I need to do what I can, which is get my taxes done and make that phone call and fill out that form. And maybe meditate and exercise, just to work off some of the fear and anxiety. And practice this cognitive therapy about this one aspect of my irrational thinking, over and over until I nail it down and fully accept it. Because at the beginning of writing this post, I was on the verge of panicking. Now I am breathing more smoothly and I am believing that I will find work and I will have enough money and more.

How's that for a powerful tool?