Two Years

Yesterday was the two-year anniversary of my mom's death. I didn't cry or get horribly depressed, although I think my being slightly less functional this week may be related to it. My organizer came for three hours (our final three hours, it turns out ... we're done! Now it's all up to me ...) and I had an hour-long conference call meeting later on. I went to the grocery story and the library (finally able to get out of the house). But while I felt some sadness, it was mild and easy to handle.

I did feel on the edge of some major crying a few times, and on the edge of feeling very sad, trauma-sad, but it didn't come, even when I allowed myself to think about my mom and about losing her, oh so much too early.

My friend Deb chatted with me on IM for awhile to make sure I was okay. My BFF and I texted and he wanted to make sure I was alright, too. I still feel on the edge of great sadness, but I know I'm okay, as well.

For most of this year, I've been highly medicated, to get me to a place where the therapy could work. I've also felt rather emotionless, other than anxious. Numb. In the last couple of weeks, I changed some of my medications around and I have started feeling again. This is a good thing because if you numb your feelings for too long, they just build up rather than going away. Then, when you start to feel again, you have a flood coming out rather than a stream.

So I'm glad I could feel sad about my mom, and glad that I didn't fall over the edge into trauma-sadness. I feel like I am finally getting better, which will spread out into all of my life. I may have other times where I feel sadder — it's not at all predictable — but I feel I can handle it. And I can always get in contact with one of my friends if I need help handling how I feel. I know and trust that now.

Two years. It still doesn't seem real or right, but I am fine.