Sitting on the Couch

I've got anxiety pretty bad these days. I feel anxious about looking for work, about signing up with a freelancers association that could lead me to more work, and about not finding work and going broke.

I feel anxious about leaving my apartment. It's hot outside and I can't be spending money on things I don't need, so I don't need to go out, except for therapy, grocery shopping (which I do on the same day), and getting the mail, which I often let pile up in the box.

My anxiety makes me want to just wrap my arms around myself, around and around until I'm unable to move and I am calm. So I sit on my couch, day after day, and I don't really do much. My comfort zone has become excruciatingly small.

I even try not to think: I go online and see what blogs have new postings, but even blogs with new content run out. So I have to think some. I get bored with blogs and with playing solitaire or sudoku on some electronic device.

And I think I've very nearly hit bottom. There's not a lot of room between me and the bottom of whatever it is, be it the barrel or the Abyss, so most of the space for movement is up. It would help if up were easier or I had help. But for some reason, my life has required that I do most things alone, with no help from others. I think this is quite mean of life.

I want to lose weight: I don't want to die from weight-related diseases such as heart disease. I want more energy and mobility. But sitting in an air-conditioned apartment isn't going to wear that weight away and choosing to do my exercise outside is rather a risky endeavor at this time of year. So today I actually got up every once in awhile and moved my body, doing different exercises or moves I've picked up in this class or that. I even made and ate a vegie wrap for dinner. 

But if I try to do too much at one time, I revert and just sit on the couch again, which is why I'm not much further along here in July than I was in January. 

My one real accomplishment this year has been writing my novel first draft. I'd like to have more accomplishments than "revised novel" for the second half of the year. Losing 20 pounds would be nice. Finding work would be even better in some ways: I don't want to spend my entire inheritance on living expenses.

The worst-case scenario (and my worst-case scenarios are probably worse than yours) is always the first thing that comes to mind when I think of things. Not being able to do work that I contract to do --- and I've not ever been unable to finish my work by deadline. Finding more tree roaches in the house (have found three dead ones this year so far); I walk around the apartment expecting to find more. Having another car accident, only worse than the fender-bender I had in january. And then the scenarios generally end up with me living in my car or being maimed or killed. Because it can always be worse.

I would so much prefer to think of rational, positive things first. For example, "How can I do this?" without assuming it will fall apart and put someone's eye out.

As I mentioned to a friend today, the more I give in to anxiety, the more it sets up home and settles in. I know I need to not give in for my anxiety to grow smaller. Each thing I do that makes me anxious diminishes the anxiety and increases my confidence, so I'm told at any rate.

It's not like I even like my couch that much. It was one of my mistakes when I was furniture shopping. I should have taken a bit more time. Also, I thought I wanted a black-and-white minimalist style home. Nope. Turns out I still love cottage style with a little bit of Shabby Chic and eclectic thrown in for fun. 

So I'm sitting on a couch that I'd very much like to replace. But I have no income and so don't want to spend my savings on a couch that might likely cost more than I can get for this couch. But then, it is still in very good condition. Just needs a little dusting (it's leather) and some cleaning. But let's face it: it's not the safe choice to replace the couch now, especially as I may need to replace my computer (or get my existing one fixed up; it might be more financially reasonable to just get a new one).

Yup, that's me, making the safe choices now. The same woman who changed her life in a major way three times now (besides that whole leaving for college thing) and who bought two houses on her own, one of which required major work done to it, is making the safe choices. Is that smart or not? I can't even tell any longer. I have anxiety whispering in my ears.

More friends might help. Having friends who would get together here in town, and/or having friends who would talk on the phone or Skype more often might help. Right now, it's just a crew of three who are holding down my fort (besides the therapist). They may need reinforcements. And none of them live here.

And they have better couches than I have. At least, more comfortable ones.

I'd go sit in my Ikea chair, but I'm not really that fond of it, either. And guess what? It's black, just like my couch. Like I said, I had this incorrect idea ....

So I'll continue to sit on the couch. But maybe I'll manage to do something that causes me anxiety, just to push the anxiety back. Maybe I'll get up off the couch.