My mom has cancer. It came as such a surprise. I'm sure everyone who develops cancer or who is close to someone who does feels the same surprise, the same shock.
We had made the mistake of thinking life is fair --- we have lost so much. We had succumbed to the belief that all of life's hardships and good fortune balance out, but they don't. I knew that, but I had forgotten. Life is reminding me.
I've heard and read that hardship teaches you something you need to learn; I've heard the same about cancer.
People say that hardship teaches you to value each minute of the day. However, "teaching" implies directed volition and a teacher. I don't believe in such a teacher. In my belief system, life has a great deal of randomness and chance. Entropy, if you like. Serendipity, too. And what is cancer except entropy experienced in the most personal way?
Grief becomes easier to endure when you have practice at it. You no longer feel as if you will die from it. All of the losses I've experienced have been horribly painful and have left holes in my life and in me. But I've known Mom the longest, and we are not only mother and daughter but great friends. And when she dies, I lose the last of my family. Thinking of being so alone wrenches me --- I'm tearing up and hurting just writing this.
In the end, Mom and I will do what we always have done: we will get through it. Well, for Mom it will be over. For her, I guess, there is no "through" but simply an end. After the final moment of her life, I will get through it alone.
I just hadn't expected to do so this soon.
Skye - you'll have the Betties and while they are no substitute for flesh and blood, they are very real friends who care a great deal for you. I never would have believed that anyone could find a real community over the Internet until I experienced it for myself. Lean on your friends as much as you're able. You're not alone, and never will be, unless you so choose. That doesn't mean the loss of your mother isn't horrific and won't suck. It does.
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
Sheryl (Betty Magic)
I can relate -- or at least I can foresee a time in the near future when I'll be relating. My mother was so healthy for so long, it was easy to lull myself into thinking that she'd be going strong for a long, long time.
ReplyDeleteHug 'em while you got 'em.