I didn't used to be this way. Before I fell apart in my mid-30s, when an overwhelming depression washed over me and pulled me into deep, dark water. Before my ex-boyfriend — the one who'd changed his mind and decided he didn't want to get married, have children, or buy a house with me — got married and asked me how I used my 401K to buy my house. Before my insecure boss made me so diminished, anxious, and crazy-feeling that my psychiatrist prescribed not one but TWO mental health leaves within a six-month period. Before all that I was not perfect, but anyone could count on me to do what I said. Friends, family, and employers could trust me. I was active, flexible, creative, and committed.
I hate the way I am. I hate that I'm not the way I used to be. I hate that I can't seem to find my way back, after nearly 20 years. Twenty years is a long time to be disgusted by the person you've become.
I stayed up again
Oh, I am findin'
That that's not the way I want my story to end"
I have cancelled three lunches with The Other Skye (TOS). I backed out of a painting project for a friend of hers — She's got enough folks to help. They don't need me. Each time, I felt a twist in my stomach. Eventually, I thought, she would get tired of my behavior and drop me. I knew it would happen.
Instead, she wrote me a long email. She wasn't angry, she said. But she wanted me to know how she felt about my canceling on her. We exchanged a couple of emails. I said this:
"For too many years, I've been of the opinion that I was going to disappoint the people around me anyway, so I might as well do it early and get it over with. Early and often, because eventually they WERE going to become disappointed and turn away from me. It was inevitable.
I have taken to thinking that my presence isn't that important, that my absence will have little to no effect. Even if it's a 1:1 situation."
TOS told me that my presence mattered to her, and that she just wanted me to Show Up, even if I'm not hungry or haven't had time for a shower. Just show up and be the company that I'd said I would be. Because my presence matters.
No one has ever come out and said such a thing to me. I know most people tend to think that actions are louder than words, but honestly? Not always. I, at least, need both. I don't do subtext or inference at all well. (It took my friend in Houston three whole years to finally understand that.)
She also offered creative solutions for if I can't make lunch, so that we can still get together. Creative and flexible: two things I've stopped being. How can I create when I've hardened into into stone? When The Box is the whole Universe? I, who used to think almost entirely in shades of gray (or the full spectrum), have become someone who thinks in black and white, in ones and zeroes, in yes or no — and mostly no. And my fear of committing to something as huge as Burning Man, as challenging as Burning Man, as far away as Burning Man 2014 — what if something else comes up? I don't have the money; what if I can't find a beach bike (the kind with really wide tires that won't bog down in the sand) — has caused me to consider backing out several times. And she's counting on me to be the third person in our group. They need my portion of the costs. She and my BFF want me to be there and expect me to be there. Because I said yes. Because I promised.
I know I can never be the person I was; I'm someone else now. I've experienced so many more things. But it seems to me that, as I discussed in a recent post, there is a core that is me: a core of values, a core personality, a core of Who I Am. And I think that this core contains integrity and honesty and the ability to commit, the ability to trust and be trustworthy. This core contains responsibility and dependability, creativity, and flexibility. It contains the ability to see all of Life on a spectrum: shades of gray, and all the colors in the Universe. I hope this is at the core of me.
The first person I need to practice these things on is myself. If I cannot trust myself, cannot depend upon myself, cannot respect myself, how the hell can i expect anyone else to?
My online friends have pretty much just seen the good parts of me. And there are things in my past that I won't tell any of them: a very few people know about them and they will not talk either. I need to get beyond them and say "now I am no longer there, I am here, and I am set on retrieving my core aspects from the dusty closets they've been shoved into. I'm going to bring myself back to life. To my life. To a life I will go to my grave being satisfied with, no regrets.
I don't like being a flake. It makes my stomach hurt and makes me feel even more anxious. It would really be so much easier on me if I just followed through. Then I wouldn't have to worry about friends, or potential friends, dumping me like a bad cup of coffee. I wouldn't worry about being dropped by a client. I wouldn't add to the dislike I have toward myself.
I feel like I'm trying desperately to fix so many aspects of me, all of them all at once. Which is the most important? All of them. They are all essential. Will they all just fall into place if I just fix the right one or two? And if so, how do I know which one or two to fix?
No wonder I give in to sloth and torpor.
I have a new anthem. In my opinion, it expresses determination, struggle, ambivalence, and in the end, I hope, triumph. I want to triumph. I want to accept that life is hard. And I want to deal with my difficulties with grace.
"But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try"
I may not see the whole of you, but what I do see is a bright light.
ReplyDeleteOh, merrymac, thank you! I truly appreciate that.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, excellent video choices. I have that new album, it's amazing. As is Alecia.
ReplyDeleteAnd B:
any time we TRY we are already leaving the negative behind, because we've made the effort.
Lastly - now that you have acknowledged these things, move past them. No more dwelling there, go forward. And keep going.
Glad you liked the video. I'd love to get the album. I have Funhouse, but I don't think it works.
DeleteI totally believe in Try (which would disappoint Yoda). It is effort whether you succeed or not. it's doing, which matters.
And I totally knew you would say something about the negativity. I feel as if it needed to come out. I've been feeling so unhappy with myself, and so disappointed in myself and like such a fraud. But I think that writing all this out was kind of cathartic. I was going to call the supervisor from the freelance job to find out why she didn't want to continue working with me. Wondering why was driving me nuts. They'd been happy with me just one week before, when I called a meeting to ask! I just knew I had to have done something terribly disappointing or downright awful for her to want nothing more to do with me (and no longer willing to put in a good word for me with an organization she has contacts with). Bob even gave me instructions on how to talk to her about it and elicit information, but I just couldn't do it while I was feeling so emotional and inadequate and insecure and anxious. Now, I'm not feeling so much of all that (last week's good interview with a recruiter probably helps with this), and I find that I no longer care about why the other company dropped me. It's not my problem if they didn't tell me about anything they were unhappy about. I now feel I can simply move on.