Stumbling Again

I spent most of last week in my pjs, without showering, watching Phineas and Ferb cartoons on Netflix. I felt anxious and overwhelmed and failing and all I wanted to do was escape and distract myself. So I did.

Then I had therapy. I had great difficulty even articulating my thoughts and feelings to my wonderful therapist. She was bewildered by the fact that I was succumbing in ways I haven't in months, seeming to have lost the progress she's seen me make.

I really wasn't feeling good.

But my therapist and I talked about how I have moved many times, always successfully. We talked about how I have the skills to overcome this feeling of being a victim of my emotions and thoughts, and of feeling smaller than my circumstances.

In addition, Deb and Sierra are participating by holding me accountable and checking in with me every day or two. And giving me pep talks and suggestions. My BFF says he'll help remind me that I can do this and have done it many times. 

I basically need all the cheerleading I can get because my confidence collapsed big time, another thing that baffled my therapist. But I think I know partially why. This is my first move where there wasn't this background safety net of my mother, and the first where there is literally no one here to come help me from time to time. So until I get Sierra down here near the end to help me with the final major packing, it's all on me. I'm still not strong in the "depend upon only myself" department. I suppose that this move will help me with that.

I have to start getting caught up with my list and schedule, especially because my old job told me today that in a week or two they may have a full week's worth of a job for me. I can definitely use the money, but it will keep me from having all day to get stuff done. So I have to get ahead of my schedule.

Deb suggested I call in the personal organizer I used last year to help me get everything together. It's a good idea. I think she could help me sort out stuff I don't need and package up bits of chaos around the apartment, such as my jewelry. But I really need to know if I am going to move all my stuff or get rid of most of it and move just some of my stuff. That's going to make a difference in a lot of ways. Then again, the organizer may have the names of some movers and some recommendations, too.

So, while I have stumbled and collapsed and badly skinned my metaphorical knees, I have people supporting me remotely and giving me great ideas. It helps. I am feeling a bit better than I felt last week. So time to work harder and remember what I know that I can do and have done. And rely upon my friends for what they can give me.

I'll manage, truly. I've moved 26 times, I think. That includes moving into and out of the dorms during school. But I've managed and it's all worked out. This will be the longest move I've ever made, but that shouldn't be a problem. It's all the other logistics that count.

I can do this. Then I will be happily ensconced in Seattle and the warmth of my oldest, closest friends.

Pom-poms might help.