Okay, But Still Struggling, Plus a Self Pep-Talk

Hey, just want you all to know that I am okay. Yeah, it's been a while since I posted and I didn't do that The Versatile Blogger thing that JudyX3 nominated me for. 

I'm still finding it a struggle to do my tasks. Or much of anything. Even though getting this stuff done will get me to Seattle, and will also decrease my stress. It's not logical. Hell, I even had a really great session with my therapist yesterday, and my friends are holding me accountable or reminding me of what I've done in the past, etc. Yet today I didn't change out of my pjs and I watched videos all day instead of doing the simple things I have on my list. And I really need to do laundry and clean the kitchen and do the dishes, too. I mean, really really.

So what's it about? Don't know. Don't want to think about it, don't want to talk about it, don't want to talk to anyone. So I'm avoiding and I'm withdrawing. I'm scared and feeling helpless. Maybe I'm afraid that moving to Seattle is a mistake. 

Okay self, listen up! Moving to Seattle is a great thing for you! You have close friends there. You will probably find a job there quite quickly because your background is almost entirely high-tech and that's certainly a high-tech center. And you will be okay because your friends will help you and take care of you and keep you from falling. Moving to Seattle is probably the best thing you can do for yourself right now. 

And you've moved so often, that you could teach classes on how to do it. All the tasks you have to do are fairly easy and not onerous. You don't even have to spend all day any day doing them! Just spend part of your day getting them done, then you can spend the rest of the day watching videos if you want. It's okay.

You want this. You are going back to things you have missed. There is truly nothing to be afraid of. You will be just fine. Allow yourself to use those wonderful cognitive skills you've learned. Allow yourself to act. Allow yourself to regain all that good feeling you had only a couple of months ago.

It just occurred to me that maybe I think I'll miss Mom more once I'm back in my old surroundings. That's a possibility. But even if I do, I have my friends who are now serving as my family and they will hold me if I need it and give me love and acceptance. And if I find myself grieving again, I think my friends will, all together, be able to help me refrain from becoming mired in it once again.

One other thing just occurred to me. After I moved to Houston, Mom would say sometimes when we talked on the phone, "I wish you were here, but you sound so happy, so much happier than you have in a while, that I think you are where you need to be. I'm glad you are so happy." And here I am, leaving that place I moved to, away from Mom, and returning to the Pacific Northwest, now that she is gone. It's stupid to feel like I'm somehow betraying her or that I betrayed her by leaving her when she was still alive. But there seems to be a little spark to that thought, too. Well, self, it's not true. No betrayals anywhere along the line. I think Houston was where I needed to be for awhile. Now it's time to go back to Seattle. For however long you live there.

(Man, it's like my mind is one of those boxes of old computer wires and TV cables and power cords, all tangled and knotted together that you keep around because you think you might need some of it some day. I'd pound my head against the wall in frustration, but that would hurt.)

So breathe deeply, dance or walk, and do all your to-do tasks. Because you are doing one of the best things you can do for yourself right now and it's really going to turn out fabulously well. Your friends agree.

So go ahead and take this last night off. Tomorrow, get up early and do your exercises and all the usual stuff, then catch up to your list. Keep smiling and breathing and you are going to find yourself having fun as you tear through those tasks! I promise.