I'm taking an e-course at the suggestion of my therapist. It's titled Ordinary Courage: Lessons in Love, Shame, and Worthiness by a woman called Brené Brown. There are writings, audio conversations between her and a woman named Jen Lemen, activities, and readings from one of Brené's books: I Thought It Was Just Me.
Brené has been studying shame and its effects on people (mostly women, until recently) and their lives for well over a decade, and for the next six weeks I'm going to learn about what shame does and how to develop what she calls "shame resilience" — the ability to bounce back after an experience causes you to feel shame.
Shame is not the same as humiliation, guilt, or embarrassment. The closest thing to it would probably be humiliation, but while they both make you feel like crap, humiliation also contains anger because you know you didn't deserve whatever happened, whatever someone said to you, and shame makes you feel like you deserve it and you simply are bad or something is wrong with you.
My therapist has thought about some of the last few stories I've told her, including the baseball one, which she read and we discussed, and has concluded that they have shame as a common denominator, the feeling that I am bad and unworthy and unloveable. So she suggested this woman's books and this class. I have to say, what Brené writes and says is very powerful and makes a lot of sense to me. I can see the ways in which shame has ruled my life from the time I was quite young.
Shame is disconnecting, which feeds into my solitude. Shame makes you feel you aren't worth anything, so you'll take any kind of treatment from others, explaining why I stayed on the softball team and with some of my boyfriends. Shame makes you feel unloveable, so you are always afraid that those who supposedly love you will stop, which explains why I was such an obedient child and tried to live up to my parents occasionally impossible or at least unreasonable standards and demands.
What I learn in this class has a lot of possibility to make a major change in my therapy and me and I have to say I hope it will. I'm getting tired of fighting with the anxiety and the frustration and the depression. I'm tired of not having a support network here in town. I'm just tired of struggling. It would be great to catch a break, one that will create a breakthrough in my therapy.
The cognitive-behavioral therapy is still something we are doing but it's going slowly. I guess I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. With this class, I do know what I'm supposed to do, so I can at least feel as if I am accomplishing something.
I'll report back from time to time on this and let you know how it's going. At the very least, it will be interesting. I'm taking a risk, talking about this here on my blog because most people are very uncomfortable talking about shame and shaming experiences. But of the readers who comment, I don't think it's much of a risk. And if anyone comments destructively, well I have the power to delete their comment. So Be Warned!
What do you think?
When I was in grad school, we had a prof who talked a lot about shame. It was in a religious context and we compared it to guilt a lot. The difference was (is, really) that guilt has an aspect of control and the idea that it CAN be constructive because you can learn things from it and not repeat the behavior.
ReplyDeleteShame was a destructive emotion because it was...NOT something that you could do anything about. Something that was a false construct. Shame was hurtful, which guilt could sometimes be too, but shame was never helpful.
Of course, in the context where we were discussing it, one big answer was the idea of grace in terms of faith and religion. Though I think that "grace" has its place in regular life too, in that it can be something we grant to one another. I don't know that I have answers, but the conversation is interesting.
And I hope your class is helpful!
Brene makes the difference that guilt is I did something bad (and can make up for it by apologizing or something), and shame is I am bad and there's nothing I can do about it.
DeleteSounds like a fascinating class adn you're very courageous to take it. It sounds like something I need but the thought of it makes me want to crawl someplace and hide (probably a sign that I NEED it) because I don't like to look at the shadowy places.
ReplyDeleteI think shame is used as a tool to control and manipulate a lot of us, especially women, but I can really only speak to my own experience of being called "worthless/lazy/fat/useless" by my father.
So, let us know how it goes!
Brene says that shame is one of the most difficult things to talk about because many people feel shame just talking about shame. You're right that shame is used to control and manipulate, often by parents, teachers, and other authority figures. They don't even always know the damage they are doing.
DeleteAnd your father was/is definitely shaming you. None of those things are anything you've done, he is saying they are what you are. And they are untrue, but difficult to fight against.
I love Brenes TED talks. Especially the one on vulnerability and shame. She's such a fabulous lady. In fact I'm gonna go over and listen again. Thanks for the reminder, and I hope you continue with the course and do really well. It takes courage to open that door into the arena, so good for you for having that strength. (That's straight from Brene.) : )
ReplyDeleteThanks, Roben! You're the first of my friends who's even heard of her. I'm trying to get one of my friends to listen to one of her TED talks because it will give her some legitimacy in his eyes. He doesn't realize that he sets most women "self-improvement" authors aside as not really knowing what they are talking about, no matter how many letters they have after their names.
DeleteI saw a video by her and it was so inspiring. Really powerful stuff.
ReplyDeleteSo, when I tell my kids "that was a really stupid thing to do" (and, for being smart kids, they do come up with some doozies) it's okay, but if I were to say, "you are a stupid idiot for doing that" it would induce shame. I wrote almost this exact same comment over on Mary Stella's Weighty Matters blog a day or two ago, but it was more along the lines of recognizing that we are all human and we all make mistakes and to forgive ourselves when we screw up.
So yay you! for having the courage to undertake this journey.
Exactly!
DeleteThis week instead of reading part of her book, we're to listen to her TED 2012 talk. It will be fascinating, I'm sure.
Thank you.
I have seen something of hers, not sure where, but it was recently. As Robena said, powerful!
ReplyDeleteKeep at it, the more we learn the better we can deal with our challenges as we recognize them so clearly, now that we've got handy labels to stick on. Keep us posted!
Lani talks about that TED talk a lot and I keep meaning to go watch it. Looking forward to hear how it goes. And fgbvs for the break--I can understand feeling totally exhausted by what you've been going through. You can't exactly escape from Yourself, can you? xx ooo
ReplyDeleteWow, that's some stuff. You are a brave little lady. And who in the world would comment destructively? Who ever they are, we need to sick the Fokker on them.
ReplyDeleteKeep on keeping on girl. :] <3