Things are changing. Again. The feeling is just as pleasant as it usually is.
The events and situations causing the changes are good: I've been spending my weekends at the home of one of my best friend's and her family, and I've finally found work. Both of these things have an effect on my schedule and routines. Both of these things, because they are changes, cause me some stress. Stress is not always a bad thing.
One set of routines that has changed is my morning routine, which had grown to last until past noon. I woke up, got out of bed, made tea and breakfast, then spent hours reading my selected blogs — those blogs you see listed in the right-hand column. I comment on most of those blogs, too, which also takes a lot of time. And if I have comments on my blog post, I usually respond. That's a lot of time spent on blogs. Oh, and then there is the time I spend revisiting some of the sites to see what other visitors have said.
My first adjustment was that I didn't get online while I was at my friends' house, so I didn't visit my blogs on the weekend. Sometimes I'd catch up with one or two blogs on Sunday evenings, but that has become less frequent.
Next, I've been spending less time on blogs during the week. Today was my first (nearly) full day of work. I get to work at home, but I woke up later than planned and didn't have time to read blogs at all. Now that it's evening, I find myself uninterested in doing so. Perhaps I've become lazy.
I've also been reading books a lot more. I recently started borrowing ebooks from my library and reading them on my iPad. Because I read very quickly, and many of the books I want are available when I want them, I've managed to plow through a couple of writers' entire booklists and I'm working my way through a couple more. This reading has taken time and energy away from reading blogs.
I anticipate that working will change a lot more of my routines and schedules. For example, I simply must go to sleep earlier and get out of bed earlier. I need to get through with my morning routines more quickly so I can start work earlier and I honestly want to start exercising again, which I prefer to do in the morning.
Because of these changes, I need to reprioritize my activities. I want to keep up with blogs, but maybe I need to keep up with fewer blogs, or not comment on all of them so often. Maybe I can read them in the evening, even though doing so means my comments will be among the last posted and will be unread by most other site visitors.
I also want to write and draw and make things. I haven't made these activities a priority, as usual shunting the things that are most important to me and my well-being to the end of the line. Why is it so much easier for me to do the things that are less-healthy for me or less meaningful?
Change in my life has strong psychological effects. For example, at last week's therapy session, we got into a discussion about how I feel like I am not resilient and how perhaps I'm just not going to get any better than I am now, how I'm not going to be able to raise my median level of mental and emotional health from the level it has fallen to over the years. (My therapist very politely disagreed with me on the resilience topic and we didn't really get into the other stuff.)
Change is difficult. Adjustments range from uncomfortable to painful and my go-to mental/emotional space has become a negative one. While I am very happy with my weekend routine and my new job (two-month contract to begin, potential for longer), I am not having fun with the associated effects. It's kind of like having an allergic reaction in my mind, all itchy, burny hives and diminished airways. Therapy is one of the antidotes. Or part of the antidote. I suppose the real antidote would be for me to become a lot more comfortable with change and adjustments, or, as one of my inspirational authors says, become comfortable with discomfort.
I'll add that to my schedule.
Skye, congratulations on finding work. While the changes require adjustment, I bet it won't take long until you're in the flow.
ReplyDeleteI think you demonstrate a lot of resilience and admire your effort and ability. You were determined to find work and you have. You continue to explore your issues and challenges. While you have often been down, you refuse to tap out.
Regarding the blogs, they'll always be there for you to read when you have time. It's great to focus on fun times with friends, your work, your health, and all of the positive changes you're making. Good for you!
The things about resilience seems to be about perspective and definition. I think I'm not resilient because I don't come all the way back from a trauma or crisis anymore. It seems each one leaves me a bit further down. Of course, my therapist disagrees. :)
DeleteThank you for your perspective and support. I appreciate them.
You can do it! Yay for starting the job!
ReplyDeleteI have a lot of blogs I would like to follow, but the reality is that I will never have time for them all. There are a few that I will always check as soon as something is posted (like this one) and plenty that I get around to if I can (like ReFab). Like you, I have WAY too many things to do that are higher priorities. Lots of times I read and don't comment, too.
In other news, I miss you :-(
Yeah, I'll now have to pick and choose the blogs I read regularly. That's going to be hard. But I do need to change my priorities.
DeleteAnd I miss you too. We need to adjust how we contact each other. You are a priority too.
I saw over at Julie's that you had gotten a job!!! Congratulations! And lucky you that you get to work from home!
ReplyDeleteI, too, was faced with cutting back on my bloggy stuff. It just ate up too much of my day. It was not fun, but after the 'ouch' factor and the guilt I felt walking away from some of the blogs eased up, I was glad for the extra time. Still miss those 3 hour breakfasts, though! :)
I think part of the reason we neglect ourselves has to do with the way society views women (yep, that's present tense I'm using). We're supposed to take care of everyone else first. Otherwise, we're selfish and self-centered. So it's easy to slide into the bad habit of neglecting ourselves. Less guilt. Less conflict, internal or external. And, really, we should be taking care of ourselves first so that we are better equipped to take care of others. The example used to me is to think about being on an airplane in trouble. The first person you give air to is yourself or you can't save anyone else 'cause you're dead! Easier said than done, of course. I'm currently trying to bring myself out of that rut - again. Bad habits are hard to kill when they've been around so long. Sending you strength through the ether!
As for resilient, babe, you're still here, you're still getting angry, you're still fighting for what you want for yourself. That's STRENGTH in action. And, brace yourself (I can't believe this is coming out of my mouth, omg.), when we get older we don't bounce as well. Something I bitch about constantly (some would say rage about). EVERYTHING takes more work it seems. But, as one smart ass in my life says to me, "Well, there's always the other alternative (death)." So stop beating yourself up. Going forward slowly is better than not going forward at all. And, yeah, yeah, I know, easier said than done and it's kinda like the pot calling the kettle black. So I'll quit throwing assvice at you and just wish you the best of luck! :)
Hey, you're resilient! You kept at the job search until you found work. I for one didn't have to be told -- your commenting and blogging style noticeably changed. It became more on topic, more concise, more involved with the world. I knew you had found work. You're back on track ... and, hey, maybe it's a new track taking you new places.
ReplyDelete